be informed

This video was posted today on Google and was so popular on Digg that we couldn't view it right away because so many people were watching it at once. This evening as soon as we finished watching it, we went back to Digg to rate it and couldn't find it. It had already been pulled off Google Video and therefore is also unavailable on Digg. This is weird because these sites like popular videos because they bring a lot of traffic.We'll see if it stays on LiveLeak.com.

as we fast

O Lord and Master of my life!
Take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness,
lust of power, and idle talk. (prostration)
But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience,
and love to Thy servant. (prostration)
Yea, O Lord and King!
Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother;
For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen. (prostration)

O God, cleanse me a sinner. (x12 with prostrations)

--prayer of St. Ephrem the Syrian

Ancient Faith Radio
thanks for the link, Xenia!

Humility, part 2

I just want to revisit my post on humility because I found a couple more quotes relevent to the post.

“Those who seek humility should bear in mind the three following things: that they are the worst of sinners, that they are the most despicable of all creatures since their state is an unnatural one, and that they are even more pitiable than the demons, since they are slaves to the demons. You will also profit if you say this to yourself: how do I know what or how many other people's sins are, or whether they are greater than or equal to my own? In our ignorance you and I, my soul, are worse than all men; we are dust and ashes under their feet. How can I not regard myself as more despicable than all other creatures, for they act in accordance with the nature they have been given, while I, owing to my innumerable sins, am in a state contrary to nature.”
-- St. Gregory of Sinai, Philokalia, Vol. IV.

"Humility is above everything else the victory of truth in us, the elimination of all lies in which we usually live. Humility alone is capable of truth, of seeing and acepting things as they are and therefore of seeing God's majesty and goodness and love in everything. This is why we are told that God gives grace to the humble and resists the proud."
--Fr. Alexander Schmemann

This quote really put to words some original thoughts I had about the previous quote. The deep, pure humility of St Gregory is not destructive nor depressing. It is just the recognition of reality. As Fr Alexander says, recognizing the truth about ourselves and where we stand before God then allows us to fully feel the joy of God's grace and goodness and love. We then are encouraged and motivated to work toward holiness, toward existing in harmony with our true nature...which brings me to the next passage:

"but it is also our natural duty [to obey His commandments], for since we were originally created by God as 'very good' (Gen 1:31), we owe it to God to be such. Although sin entered us through our negligence and introduced into us what is contrary to nature, we have been reclaimed through God's great mercy, and renewed by the passion of Him who is dispassionate. We have been 'bought with a price' (1 Cor. 6:20), namely by the blood of Christ, and liberated from the ancient ancestral sin. If, then, we become righteous, this is nothing great; but to fall from righteousness is pitiavle and deserves condemnation."
--Philokalia (Vol.2, pg 14)

Our present state is not hopeless. Everytime I repent and renew myself with the Eucharist, I am freed and can continue my work toward holiness. I believe along with the Fathers that we can achieve holiness in this life. It's said that it is no great thing to become righteous because that is our true nature; it's how we're supposed to be in the first place. Many may disagree with me here, but I ask where is the power of Christ's blood and why would he tell us to be holy if it weren't possible? This is why the saints are so precious: Christ showed and told us how to live as recorded in the Scriptures, and He has also given us His saints who continue to show us the way with their own lives as examples.

But the journey to holiness must begin with absolute humility before God and our fellow man.

someday

I miss the mountains. I'm thinking that one day I'd like to have a small place in or near BV ('cause that's where my beloved ones live) and live there for a while. Admittedly I am a city girl. But it's getting old not seeing any natural nature. Sure there is a big landscape of cleared land, planted trees trying to grow a little taller, and a resevoir nearby. I'm thankful that we have at least that. But it's not the same. And it's hard to get out of town for a trip. When we have free time, we just want to rest at home. BV has WiFi right? See, I can't totally leave behind the conveniences, plus my man's gotta work somehow!

I'm planning it out as I type. He'll work at his leisure, keeping his businesses running. I'll begin taking midwifery courses. Taisia will have play-dates with my favorite adopted niece/nephew (who will it be?!). We'll go on walks all the time. I'd miss my church so we'd make trips to Denver every other weekend. Maybe come down on Saturday evening, stay with Grandma Jo, go to church on Sunday, have coffee with friends and then head back up in the evening. OK. That's the plan. I haven't even told my husband yet, so keep it quiet. :) I think he'd agree with me, though.

our future

Had another wake-up call last night. It's all stuff I already pretty much knew, only I never thought about it long enough to look at the big picture. Basically because of the way our country has chosen to conduct business, we're on the way down.

We are a militant nation feeding our captialist appetite in the name of democracy. We stand alone, do not follow international laws, and you better accept it or else. We rule the world, or didn't you know? In our country, everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others. Right to privacy, a speedy and fair trial, freedom of speech and free press say goodbye. Don't worry it's for the best...for our country's mighty 1%.

Sound extreme? It's not. One terrorist act and suddenly the nation willingly gives up the above rights out of fear of the unknown. (Don't get me wrong, it was a massive, terrible tragedy to say the least.) It even gives up its power of reason and discernment. Outright lies are not noticed or just plain ignored. We support a war for which we are given no good reason, only ideas. What will we agree to if one more bomb goes off in America?

I know many people will think that I'm just getting all fired up when really things are going fine--that I need to stop watching these liberal videos. But as I said, they talk about things that anyone could figure out for themselves if they thought about it for 5 minutes. I don't want to naively think that my dreams will come true in magic America no matter what the government is up to. When a government falls, we all suffer. What will the fall of America look like? Probably economic. There goes the Dream. I don't know what I can possibly do about it at this point, but I figure I want to be an informed citizen so when an opportunity arises I'll notice it and take action.

You should watch Why We Fight or go to the website. I know there are different ways to view all this, and I certainly don't have a great political mind so let me know what you think.

Conspiracy Anyone?

So I've been super anti-9/11 conspiracy theory all these years. Just ask my husband. Why should I think such horrible thoughts? It's unimaginable. Disgusting.

Then I consented to watch 9/11 Press for Truth off the internet. It's well done and more of a documentary that makes you ask questions for yourself--it doesn't shove a theory down your throat. Then I watched Loose Change 9/11 and had some discussions.

Now I'm reeling and upset. For good reason, too. I consider myself to be pretty rational about most things and not easily duped. Well I was duped, but not by these shows. It's hard to imagine that our country is actually NOT that much different from all the other countries of the world who've experienced the corruption, deceit and plain wickedness of a government. I secretly was hoping we lived on a utopic island.

I'm not going to go into what parts of these so-called theories I do and do not believe. To me, at this time, the main point is that something dark is lurking behind the public lies and, frankly, I'm still nervous to find out what it is.

Slava Bogu!

Saint Taisia

Taisia is named after Saint Taisia of Egypt (4th century) who is celebrated October 8, the day before Taisia's birth.

Brought up by her mother in a spirit far removed from Christian piety, Venerable Taisia led a wanton and depraved life. Renowned for her beauty, she enticed many to the path of sin. Word of the harlot Taisia spread throughout all Egypt and reached the Elder Paphnuty, a strict ascetic struggler who had converted many of the lost to Salvation. Attired as a layman, Paphnuty came to Taisia and asked her to meet him someplace where neither people nor even God Himself would see them. Taisia responded that this was impossible, for God is everywhere present, and sees and knows all things. Seeing this glimmer of the fear of God in her, the elder revealed his identity to her. He showed her the full severity and vileness of her sins and told her that she would have to answer before God for the souls of those she had seduced and destroyed. St. Paphnuty's words so touched the sinner that, gathering up all of her riches acquired on the shameful path, she burned them in the town square, and went with the elder to a monastery, where she spent three years in seclusion. Turning to the East, Taisia unceasingly repeated this short prayer: "O My Creator, have mercy on me!" Before her repose, Venerable Taisia told the elder, "From the moment that I entered this cell, all my sins were constantly before me and I wept remembering them." The Elder Paphnuty answered, "Because of this, and not for the strictness of your seclusion, has the Merciful Lord shown you His mercy." (http://www.stjohndc.org/Russian/english.htm)

Infant Baptism

We are excited to baptize our lovely Taisia this month.

I've been asked to clarify what is the expected outcome of this baptism. I am no theologian, but I do my best to understand everything and I'll do my best here to explain the Orthodox perspective. I welcome comments.

Baptism is wonderfully mystical. I'm going to use a bunch of quotes to explain it (and more). But first it may help to note that the Orthodox believe that the human body is very important since Christ's incarnation-- he is fully man and fully God. We believe in a strong soul-body connection. Therefore when we profess a faith, it is very important to make deliberate actions with our bodies that equal/parallel our words and thoughts. Also, Orthodoxy is not a 'once saved, always saved' faith. Every day we either choose Christ/choose to live by the Grace we received at the baptism, or not. But baptism is the important beginning. It gives us a clean start and allows us to receive the gifts of the Spirit in order to work toward holiness. Infants should not be excluded from baptism as they too are guilty of original sin (many do not believe this); and why keep them from spiritual rebirth until they are older when it is that much more time for God's Grace to work in them! My baby is not guaranteed a free pass to Heaven by this baptism; but by it she is welcomed into the folds of the Church, is given a new life free of original sin, and is enabled to partake worthily in the Divine Mysteries (sacraments) through which the Spirit's Divine Grace or Energy flows into her.

There are a few important verses:
"Verily, verily I say unto thee, except a man be born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God.That which is born of flesh is flesh, and that which is born of spirit is spirit" (John3:3-6).
"Repent, and be baptised every one of youin the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit"(Acts 2:37-38).
From these verses I get the idea that baptism is very important to our salvation.

"We are buried with Him by Baptism into death, that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life" (Rom. 6:4).
The following is from the book 'Orthodox Dogmatic Theology':
"Holy Baptism by the Holy Spirit, again unites him with the Divine Nature as it was when he was created by the hands of God, restores all the powers of his soul, renews them and brings them to the condition in which they were before the transgression of first-created Adam; in this way it leads him into the Kindgom of God, into which no one unbaptized can enter, and enlightens him with its light and grants him to taste its joys. Thus each one who is baptized becomes again such as Adam was before the transgression, and is led into the noetic Paradise and receives the commandment to work it and keep it--to work it by fulfillment of the commandments of Jesus Christ Who has recreated him, and to keep it by the keeping of the Grace[Divine Energy] of the Holy Spirit which was given to him through Holy Baptism, confessing that the power of this Grace which dwells in him fulfills together with him the commandments of Christ."
Also this:
"Baptism is not only a symbol of cleansing and washing away the defilement of the soul, but in itself is the beginning and source of the Divine gifts which cleanse and annihilate all the sinful defilements and communicate a new life. All sins are forgiven, both original sin and personal sins; the way is opened for a new life; opened is the possibility to receive the gifts of God. Further spiritual growth depends upon the free will of man. But since temptation is capable of finding sympathy in the nature of man, who from the day of his first fall into sin has had an inclination to sin, therefore spiritual perfection cannot be accomplished without battle."

If you're interested here is a nice article discussing baptism into the Orthodox Church.It also describes what will be done at the baptism.
Infant Baptism.

the Crucifix

I recently realized that I have an aversion to the crucifix. That bothers me.

I need a new cross to wear around my neck. I really liked my previous one, it was a plain and simple three-bar Orthodox cross. It seems to have been the only one of its kind, though, as I cannot find one without the crucifix. I don't want one with the crucifix. This is how I have come to realize my enduring aversion to Christ depicted on the cross.

Since I can remember Catholicism, with which I associated the crucifix, has been portrayed to me as wrong and icons as tools of trickery and idolatry. I accepted this without ever looking into either.

For a long time I also had this general line of thought: Christ died on the cross. But then He conquered death, arose and ascended into Heaven. He died so I wouldn't have to. Death (and the ultimate sacrifice) is behind us, and now I must focus on my personal relationship with God and rest in His loving, protective arms.

I still agree with this, but I find that I added some feelings and attitudes between the lines which I am now questioning. Between the lines is an even sunnier outlook on my spiritual walk. Forget the sorrow, forget the pain, forget the (real) sacrifice.

To look at a man dying a horrible death on a cross every day is just as disconcerting as taking an honest look at my soul and describing it's ugly blackness aloud, for all to hear (and oh it will happen someday...before God...before the saints and angels...before the smirking demons). Actually, isn't that what happens when I look at the crucifix? My soul is exposed and I am the guilty one watching the innocent, beautiful One suffer my fate. To read about it is one thing, to see it is quite another.

To be honest, deep down I'd rather encounter this once a year, like on Good Friday, with the buffer of sing-songs and sermons that point one big finger at everyone's sins, not just mine; makes me feel like I belong. And I like to remember that the one dying is God--He can handle it, plus He knew that He'd be alive again soon. It's an insolent thought.

What I'm saying is that my soul doesn't totally grasp the reality of my place before God and what happened at the cross. I don't think I'd handle the situation with such ease of spirit if my innocent neighbor did this for me, died in my place. I'd be devastated and not a moment would go by without the vivid remembrance of what happened. Eventually I might move from devastation to determination to live a worthy life, but I'd be a changed person forever.

The irony is that I was in love with the symbol of the cross (I say "was" because I have new thoughts and feelings about it all now). I put it after my name, I doodled a million of them in my notebook in class...But it's the cross without Christ on it that I loved. Now I wonder, what's the point? I do think that the cross in any form has been made a powerful symbol because of how God has used it. However, why prefer an empty cross to one that depicts the very reason it is important and powerful?

I naturally want to forget the extreme, painful parts of my faith, or at least remember them minimally and with a grain of salt. At the same time I want to celebrate the wondrous, salvific results. I want to have my cake and eat it too.

Well, I have to change. I need to find humility. I need to face Christ on the cross, let it move me, and learn to accept His saving grace and love for such an unworthy soul.

I'm going to buy myself an Orthodox crucifix to wear constantly. Perhaps it is God's plan for me to be particularly conscious of it so that its purpose is not lost in routine. So that I remember His sacrifice and why He had to do it. So I remember that it is by God's grace alone that I live.

Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal have mercy on us.

Mother Theresa on Forgiveness and Humility

Someone found this video and posted it in my bulletin on myspace. I want to share it with all of you. Sometime I will write about Humility myself, but at this point all I can do is try to absorb some of the wisdom and let it do its work on my soul.

Invalidating

Recently I have become more intolerant to the unsolicited advice and opinions I receive concerning the health and development of my child. However, here's what I've come to realize about this phenomena of unsolicited advise being given to a mom:

If you really think about it, it makes no sense to try to tell a mom about her child: she's got the intuition, time with the child, and, generally, the paranoia and curiosity to keep her busy reading and seeking out advise on her own.

I think the true driving force behind these comments is the need for validation. Most advise-givers are parents themselves and seeing a child just brings it all back...They want, even need, to prove that they've "still got it". They want to prove it to themselves, but they also need to prove it to me so I can validate it back to them.

Fact is that I want validation as well, that's why I get upset. I want to be acknowledged and respected as the one who knows, loves, and cares for my child best. I get defensive and ready to challenge anyone willing to question my position and abilities as a mom. I want you to validate the fact that I'm a good mom by trusting me to ask all the right questions myself, not needing your prompting.

So the cycle goes: You (my dear reader, please realize that I'm NOT talking about YOU here...am I? haha) give me unsolicited, unwavering opinions and advise about, say, my baby's sleep habits. I say that they're normal, I've looked into it (but I say it with an attitude, like how dare you even ask/say that!). You reitterate your opinion because you're afraid I don't understand the implications of what you're saying. Then I dismiss the whole conversation because I'm ready to bite your head off. We're now both a little on edge and ready to do the whole thing again next time my little one has a bad night.

Now I realize the problem on my part. I intend, starting from today, to break the cycle of invalidation. Why not validate the other person? Why deny them that simple pleasure?--it doesn't hurt me or my baby to do so. By "validate" I don't necessarily mean follow their advise. I mean thank them for being concerned and for sharing their knowledge and assure them that I will look into it. Easy cheesy. Surprising I don't already do this. Honestly it's the mature thing to do. Being prideful sure makes life more difficult and emotional.

Humility

“Those who seek humility should bear in mind the three following things: that they are the worst of sinners, that they are the most despicable of all creatures since their state is an unnatural one, and that they are even more pitiable than the demons, since they are slaves to the demons. You will also profit if you say this to yourself: how do I know what or how many other people's sins are, or whether they are greater than or equal to my own? In our ignorance you and I, my soul, are worse than all men; we are dust and ashes under their feet. How can I not regard myself as more despicable than all other creatures, for they act in accordance with the nature they have been given, while I, owing to my innumerable sins, am in a state contrary to nature.”

-- St. Gregory of Sinai, Philokalia, Vol. IV.

What do you all think of this quote? Is all this necessary to be truly humble?

I'm a Moderate.

>"A moderate what? Democrat or Republican?"
>"Just Moderate."

It's my opinion that asking someone's political party should be considered a faux pas just as it is with asking about someone's pay or what grade your classmate made on the last exam. Generally most people agree with me on this. In the past I thought that this, then, implies using discretion when talking politics. However I've recently found out that not knowing gives you, instead, the freedom, even the right, to assume that the person is not part of the opposing party. This way tact can be thrown out the window as you attack and generalize 'those people' without a worry that you're inadvertently insulting your friend who's politely listening to you. Besides, if you're friend is one of "them", they need to hear the truth anyway. Sometimes truth hurts.

>"The major centers of educated people may vote that way, but that's exactly my point. They're all freaking atheists who're afraid of stepping on anyone's toes. They will follow just about anyone, then they cling to that person for direction. They need us to provide the backbone for the country and protect them from themselves."
>"I hate them. They will follow anyone. They're just not smart and believe anything they're told. Now they're trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with my body and that global warming is a hoax. There's no place in our government for these people. They only care about their own personal riches and oil."

I've honestly been shocked by what people have been saying to me regarding the political parties (with not knowing which "side" I'm on). They tend to focus less on the policies of the party and instead make sweeping generalizations and attack the character and intelligence of individuals in the party. I never knew that people attach such personal significance to being Democrat or Republican. It is beyond me. I'm in shock at the angry condescension and laugh at the fact that they often accuse each other of the exact same traits. I've been insulted left and right, literally, because no one stops to think that I may support the other party. My feelings aren't hurt at this silliness, I'm just still reeling from the ignorance.

So let's all be smart and vote for the individuals running for office and on each policy instead of for a party. We all need to let go of the principle of being Democrat or Republican and stand on our own two feet when we vote and talk politics. That's why I'm a Moderate...how I'm registered is no one's business and it doesn't matter so don't ask.

my joy

TAISIA ANDREYEVNA

Update

Hi all. An update from the pregnant lady...

I'm feeling quite good. Don't have anything to complain about, really. Just my feet are a bit puffy and I don't think my wedding ring is coming off anytime soon. Our little one is sitting low and in the right position. She's still moving a lot, which I love. It's such a fun feeling, even when it stabs a little. Andrei and I just feel so positive about the whole experience and we're looking forward to the birth.

We've bought a condo, but it is still being built. Hopefully we will close on it Oct 20 (I'm due Oct 26). It's cutting it a little close, but what can you do? Our current lease ends this week, and we're going to live with my mom until we can move into our condo. So this is packing week. How fun...): Not a big fan of packing and cleaning.

Andrei is busy with his businesses: AF Components and aliveBroadcast. Both are coming along well. His aliveBroadcast site is getting better all the time. It's basically a photo blog--you use your webcam to take a picture and leave a little message to go with it, and then people can leave comments.

I'm busy being a home-maker and oven. That's about all there is to say about that(:

Love you all!

this one's for you, lubov

I just want to tell the world how lucky I am to have the husband that I have. For about 4 years he pursued me from overseas; then he chose a university near me, and we dated for the next 4 years. We've now been married for 2 years, and everyday he tells me how he loves me and how beautiful I am. Faithful. Wonderful.--that's my man. Already our little girl floating in my womb knows just how lucky we Taraschuk ladies are to have him--I tell her often.

A husband is the strength of the family. When I'm upset, acting out of proportion to a situation, calmly he sees past the external into what is really going on with me, and he helps me see it too. Since we've been together, I've come a long way emotionally (from being a depressed, moody timebomb to being just a bit more moody than the average Jane). I absolutely attribute it to having him there as a strong and reasonable presence, supporting me as I worked through things. God filled him, and he touched and healed me. "You pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm ok."

A husband loves, honors, and respects his wife. Recently my husband was given a difficult challenge. To put me first meant painfully putting someone else second, if it can be summed up so simply. His efforts were valiant, and I feel so honored. I'm grateful for how he showed love and respect to everyone involved as he made his decision. All-around he's an honourable man.

A husband leads his family in their spiritual journey together. My husband has a strong faith that is balanced with a spirit of grace and a realistic view of the world. He is uncompromising in his beliefs, but he leaves judgement and condemnation behind. It is his strength and balance that I admire and try to emulate. In many ways, he is my spiritual role-model. With him at my side, I feel safe and like we can't lose our way even in these days of spiritual bunny-trails--new paths forged by those who find the "straight and narrow" nice but a bit too narrow.

What else can I say? Did I tell you that he is a superb designer/programmer and businessman? That he was the prize student and is now a rising star in his field? He won't tell you that, so I will. I am so proud. He works hard, keeps up-to-date in his profession, and still finds quality time for his wife.

He will be a wonderful father: playful and loving, yet firm in matters that count. He will teach her what it means to be a good person and will give her the tools to succeed in life.

If I were as eloquent as Solomon or David I could do more justice to how good he is. I could write him a beautiful song of praise. Anyway, this is my humble attempt. You can also read the lyrics to Sarah Mclachlan's song Push. It must have been written just for our relationship. With every verse I can associate a specific memory.

Andrei, lubov, I love you. No other words can say what I feel. Я тебя люблю.

Creation: A Revealed Truth

These are a few excerpts from an interesting article entitled Revealed Truth by Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon. It is on Creation.

“We should reflect, first, that this [that all creation comes from nothing] is a revealed truth. Creation refers to a specific act that cannot be reached by the power of reason. Creation, as the Christian faith understands that term, means the passage from non-being to being. I do not know, nor can I know, by the ability of reason, that all things, visible and invisible, have passed from non-being to being.

Second, what has been created from nothing? We affirm, "heaven and earth, and all things visible and invisible." Not just earth, we understand, but heaven too. Not just the material world that we see, but also the invisible world that we cannot see. Not just the chemical substances of things, but also the mathematical theorems and physical laws that give them coherence. Everything that is not God has been created from nothingness, no matter how high, how metaphysical, how spiritual. Apart from God, there is absolutely nothing that was not made from nothing.

Third, God's creating act is the only thing that separates all things from nothing. No creature is adequately considered, then, if it is considered only in se, in itself. Creatures do not have their being a se, of themselves. They are held in existence only because an immense and continuing act of love holds them in existence. All things that endure, endure because the Creator's hand sustains them in being.

If the doctrine of creation is true, the wise man is the one who finds that place in his being where God touches him and holds him in existence.”

A Woman's Role in the Church...a comment

This post was actually intended to be a comment I wrote after reading Caleb's blog post on women in the church. It turned out to be a bit long for just a comment, so I decided to post it as a blog instead. If it's a topic that interests you, I encourage you to go to Caleb's blog (link at right) and read “Thoughts on the Role of Women in Church and the subsequent comments first, then read mine as I was influenced by what was said. I'm sure I can speak for him too when I say we'd both love to hear your thoughts. So here goes the longest comment ever...

I believe that the heart of the issue is women needing to find a voice or a place of influence/authority in what they feel is still largely a man's world. I'm reading a book called "10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children" by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. In it he speaks of the importance of the role of femininity in our world: "A woman's gift to the world is her femininity. She takes a cold, desolate planet, warms it with her femininity, and brings forth life. A man's gift to the world is to honor the feminine, and an added obligation is to nurture the feminine in his own heart" (99). He speaks of men and women like this: "Men are a line: their approach to life is very direct and goal oriented. Women are a circle: less direct, gentler, more open to the world around them, inclined toward circles of family and relationships...Women need men. Men have raw energy...Male aggression is necessary, but unchecked it becomes brutal. The feminine neutralizes masculine aggression and makes it more refined. And in neutralizing the male tendency toward aggression, it paves the way for transcendence. Women are more naturally spiritual than men" (97,114). So of course it is essential that women be recognized and honored in the Church and it's local places of worship.

I've always had a strong belief that a woman's place is not at the head of the church. I have such a strong intuitive feeling about it, but you've (Caleb) spurred me to put some intellectual thought into it. The first question I thought of is this: why does/would a woman need to have (access to) a position of authority within the church structure? Does she need a recognized, defined role/title in order to have a significant influence on the church structure and body and in order to make full use of her gifts of wisdom and knowledge (teaching)? I really, truly believe that, for women especially, a true leader does not need a defined place in the church structure. Women are an incredible force. I think the beauty of a woman is that she doesn't need as much structure as a man (in general) to thrive. She is a circle. She has a special ability to exist under the 'rule' of man-made organizations and at the same time not be bound by them, still never betraying her faith nor breaking the rules. (Am I making any sense?) By not having a defined position of leadership, she is able to move freely and be true to her feminine nature. No rules and politics and intellectual barriers to restrain her from acting on her spiritual intuition. So not only does she not need it, she can work her best 'magic' without it.

I like to think of Mother Theresa. I don't know many details about her life, but I do know enough that her main goal was to spread compassion as God commands. She began working out her own salvation by being a humble servant to God and man, and in the end she became a sort of spiritual world leader. She influenced every part of society: the very poor and sick to the most wealthy politicians and world powers; from lay Christians (an non-) to pastors, to the Pope. I would argue that her life and words will be remembered with more clarity and love by the world in general than, perhaps, the Pope himself, the highest leader/teacher in that faith! I wonder, if Mother Theresa had taken a defined role as deaconess or teacher in her convent or local parish, would she have had the same opportunity to enter into and change the world with her teaching?

Mother Theresa and hundreds/thousands of women like her have existed in the course of Church history--powerful prophetesses, teachers, and evangelizers. I think a few things when I look at the lives of many of these women: 1)Their goal was simply to serve God and spread His message 2)They sought nothing for themselves except salvation 3)A lot of the time, their authority as teachers seemed to have come as an after-thought. Most did not have a title/role given to them by the body of believers which in turn gave them authority. Rather, their holy lives and words were authoritative in and of themselves. People began to understand that these women didn't just have nice things to say, but they took the words as teaching because they recognized the deep spiritual wisdom and knowledge. The women's gifts blossomed and were appreciated through the natural flow of their feminine, Spirit-driven lives as passionate women who were "open to the world around them".

I know a woman who has the knowledge and spiritual wisdom that people flock to. Hypothetically, if I had to choose a female pastor/teacher for my church, she'd be it. She is very passionate, driven, and people listen to her. She is using her gifts fully within the church. Her love of God and continual spiritual growth and her priest's recognition of who she is and her abilities has brought them into a unique relationship. Through the years she has gained considerable influence, though the priest and the church's rules and ways of doing things remain unchanging and solidly Orthodox. She works in the church in all sorts of capacities, and her service has made her well-known and loved by everyone. She often gets calls from people asking for advice, spiritual or personal, or asking her to explain about church history, theology, and about the sides of controversial issues. I think she does more teaching now, perhaps, than she would ever have had the opportunity of doing in a church 'office'--those positions come with other responsibilities that make those people renowned for being super-busy and unavailable. Plus, by not being bound to any rules nor by the need to be exceptionally careful as to what she says (b/c she is not officially representing the church), she is able to be more liberal in her discussions with people, though, of course, she doesn't waver from a firm set of beliefs. I mentioned her work in the church—she's the one who gets things done. Because she doesn't have as many layers of red-tape (church-style) to get through in order to accomplish a task, the priest makes good use of her desire and ability to lead and get things done. He tells her what he needs, she tells him how she'd like to do it and what she'll need...and after discussing the main details, he sends her off with a blessing and thanks. She's able to use her gifts freely, and the church reaps the benefits. I think she's a prime example of how women can influence the entire church very effectively without an official title/role.

Actions speak louder than words. I think Peter's instructions to wives in I Peter 3:1-2 is an example of a woman's unique call to witness and teach through lifestyle. I think it can apply to all sisters in Christ in their relationships with each other, their spiritual brothers, and the leadership.

Can a woman be fully feminine and be at the head of a church? I think the position of leadership strengthens a man's “manliness,” and it requires a woman to put aside some of her qualities of gentleness, openness, and “live by intuition” mentality. It is a give-and-take for her. Some roles simply require more masculine traits. Ideally should women be expected to be fully feminine? Or is it better/does it make them more “developed” if they have more of a combination of characteristics? We expect men to learn to find their feminine side...it seems to make them better people. Is the reverse true for women? I don't think so. In that book by Rabbi Boteach, he believes that the feminization of the world's history is “messianic progress”. It's something to consider.

Besides all that, I still believe that Paul was quite clear in Timothy 2:11-14 that in church he does not allow a woman to teach or have authority over a man, that she should be silent in these cases (side-note: I believe prophesy and prayer to be wholly different things from teaching. The authority in prophesy is the Holy Spirit, not the vessel.) Because he traces it back to the Fall, I do not believe it is simply a cultural thing that we don't need to heed nowadays. Paul also says that “woman is not independent of man, and man is not independent of woman” (1 Cor 11:11) and that both are part of the royal priest hood and heirs with Christ. Men and women are equally valuable, intelligent, wise and spiritual. But at their core, their very essence, they're different, and so they are called to different roles and different ways of serving the church. That's the simple, bottom-line answer for me.

{Last note: If it is the structure of the church that largely prevents women from taking 'office', why not get rid of the structure altogether? I believe that having a church structure is essential to maintaining consistency and preventing spiritual heresy and chaos. God refers to his people as sheep (will follow just about any other sheep over a cliff) and we, the church, need solid leadership. God calls for church leaders to be the shepherds and heads of the church families as He is the Great Shepherd and head of the Body of Christ.}

28 Weeks

Now I'm seven months along. She's moving more than ever, and I still love it! The constant fatigue is gone, and I feel pretty good these days. It's been hard to fall asleep lately--can't turn my mind off. It's starting to sink in that we're going to be holding a little baby of our own very soon, although it's still a bit surreal. My guess is that it won't seem real until she's about a week old. I'm starting to have dreams about having her around in our everyday life: taking turns holding our little bundle at church; going for long walks while we wait for papa to come home; her sleeping in the moses basket over dinner at someone's house. The dreams are preparing me, I think, for the reality of having a child...so is the insomnia. We've been looking for a place to buy, and it takes some effort to remember that we need to live in a family/kid-friendly environment with a nearby park or nice grassy area, a fenced-in backyard or porch area, and so forth. It's so tempting to buy a nice, new condo near the lightrail that is sure to increase in value over the next year just because of the location and newness. The problem is that it is a concrete environment (although clean and nice looking) surrounded by snake-infested fields. No place to play. Is there even a park within walking distance?--probably not. The next options are the older condos that have the grassy knolls, are in good locations, are decent but not likely to appreciate. Thankfully we don't have to worry about the schools yet! All in all, everything is going well and we are both getting more and more excited about meeting our little baby. Any apprehension I've had is gone, and I am ready for a family.