We have just come out of the Peter and Paul fast. The length of this fast fluctuates from year to year (don't ask me why--I don't yet know these things), and this year it was especially long at 7 weeks. Almost as long as Great Lent! But the length isn't, in itself, what made it hard.
For those of you wondering, when I say "fast" I'm talking about a vegan diet with a few days each week on which you can have wine and oil with your meals. More than that, it is a time to focus spiritually by praying, reading edifying material, confessing and attending Liturgy more regularly, and to be extra diligent in the battle against my sins/passions. The beauty of the Church's fasts is that they remind us that our existence is far more than physical. For me, it takes a week or two of being focused on the diet before I can move past it and start looking inward. My body finally begins to submit so my soul can do its work more freely. The change in focus usually happens without me realizing it. I suddenly find myself picking up my prayer book more often. I also begin recognizing my pride, anger and impatience more often. It is very humbling.
This particular fast I had a harder time than usual with the diet, craving cheese and ice cream and so forth (if you know me, this will not surprise you!). And spiritually I started off on the wrong foot the very first day. Don't ask me how. But our all-compassionate God turned my stumbling into a useful tool: the rest of the fast I was more aware of my failings than perhaps I've ever been. Some might read this and be concerned that this is a very negative consequence indeed, but please keep reading.
On the evening of the feast day of Peter and Paul (ie. the end of the fast), I had a serious revelation about who I am as a fallen creature. I felt utterly broken and taken aback by the truth. In my brokenness, I saw how sugar-coated everything has become; and as we all know, as good as sugar tastes it is very bad for you. How many layers of lies, I asked myself, do I have to peel away from my beliefs, thoughts, even feelings before I can see and partake of the true essence God? "Raise me up above this world's confusion" is all I could pray.
I also realized how much I need the Theotokos, our Mother, our Champion Leader. I desperately need a guide and intercessor, as I can hardly see past my own nose. I am more lost than I realized. "O bearer of the Unwaning Light, enlighten my blinded soul...Guide me to the path of repentance, for I am tossed in the storm of life...Let me not be exposed to the rejoicing of demons, guilty as I am of many sins...Accept my service of supplication and offer it to compassionate God. O thou who art above the angels, raise me above this world's confusion...Deliver me from soul-corrupting evils, and fervently intercede with Christ, to Whom is due honour and worship, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen."
Then I found a real desire to know God and to be holy as He is holy. I learned (and will continue learning) the beauty of desiring the things of God and asking for that which pleases Him to give. By this I mean to desire humility and honestly ask Him to send me opportunities to learn it; to desire an obedient spirit and ask Him to grant me the strength to practice it. The Lord will certainly answer these prayers; and I am finding that once I get past my dingy, worldly shell, my desire for these things is deep. This gives me great hope because it means that He has truly given me His Spirit along with everything I need to work out my salvation.
By being broken, by being shown how far I have fallen, by knowing real humility if only briefly, I was granted the great gift of a moment of honesty before God. In this moment He opened my eyes a little wider so I could see the next couple of steps that will lead me closer to Him. I am so grateful.
Fasts are always difficult. They are also always so good. If you are Orthodox you'll know what I mean when I say that usually once a fast is over, I take a deep breath of relief, eat some cheese and have some wine...and the next thing I know, I am eagerly awaiting the next fast. It is sort of like natural childbirth...but that is the subject of a whole new post!
GLORY TO THEE, OUR GOD. GLORY TO THEE.
13 July 2007
"the bones that be humbled, they shall rejoice"
Posted by Brigitte at 13:03
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2 comments:
I have been keeping up with your blogs on all sites and since I do not have a myspace account and that has the most activity on this subject, I will respond here with reference to a lot of things said thus far.
Firstly, bravo for being brave enough to put this out there for the world to see, we need much more of it!
Secondly, it is understandable that people are getting this caught in their "craw", so to speak. When we live in a Western world and the Christianity that has spawned from thus is a misunderstood, at best, version of the original, and, as we all know, copies do not have the same face value as the original. What I find interesting, that as part of your Faith, you share these things, but is it because you do not have a specific title that you are somehow NOT "preaching" the Word of God? It is the Protestant church that is being left by many and yet people seem to hold their (Protestant) ideals over Truth. We also need to remind ourselves that preaching is not a large part of Truth, just because we talk about something a lot, doesn't make it any more true or right.
I would also like to say that when it comes to oppression, I personally feel that the only thing oppressing me is myself...in that, I allow myself to be oppressed by certain ideals, thoughts, experiences, etc. That this world of Men and culture is what is helping to uphold our individual oppression, keeping it alive and well...that only through true spiritual connection with God and His Church can we free ourselves of our self-inflicted bonds of oppression. I have lived a lifestyle different than my current one and have thought many of the things that people think when you are doing so, and let me say from experience, it is much better where I am right now...I actually encounter periods of peace, Glory be to God.
I hope that this doesn't offend anyone and if it does, please forgive me, a sinner. In Christ, Xen
Oops! I really meant for this to be under the head covering post, oh well, I put it there too. :)
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