Petronia

new blog

2010-08-15T00:33:00.002-06:00

Hi friends. I have moved to a new blog: http://introvertssoapbox.blogspot.com/ Thanks!

rant

2010-06-09T15:16:00.004-06:00

I think FOCUS ON YOUR OWN DAMN FAMILY should become a national slogan. If it did, we'd have happier families as well as more rights. So many laws, or at least propaganda, are put in place in order to micro-manage the lives of our families, and I'm talking about things coming from both sides of the aisle. Civil marriage laws (I hear that gasp!), vaccination laws (oh wait, they're just recommendations...I bet most new parents don't realize that), and even laws on how, when and especially where we can receive help with giving birth (they can't tell mothers not to deliver babies, but they can tell midwifes/doctors/nurses not to help us...jerks). Now we won't even be allowed to withhold our money from the blood-sucking insurance companies. Yes, government, please tell me what risks to take or not take--I certainly cannot think for myself or my family. And I certainly don't want too much control over my hard-earned money.

FOCUS ON YOUR OWN...uh...RELIGION would also be a good one. Stop crying about what church is being built where and start going to your own church and following your own religious path. In most religions that I can think of, your path to God, enlightenment or whatever does not depend on what the people around you are doing or not doing. By all means, build your churches, make them accessible and, for heaven's sake, participate in them yourselves, and the faith of the community, as well as your own, will grow if it is blessed. "Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved." Nothing is more true!

That's all for now ;)

Tales from Today: Resurrection

2009-05-03T23:31:00.001-06:00

Today for the kids' lecture in the church basement (during the adult's lecture upstairs) Fr Boris taught the kids the general rules of Orthodox prayer. One question he asked them was "Why do we stand when we pray?" Their answers, translated: "Because as Christians we are given work/struggles, and standing during prayer is one of them;" and "To help us concentrate our thoughts on prayer instead of on other things;" and "Because He is the king above all" (and you do not dare sit before a king). Fr Boris affirmed their good answers, then he further explained that we stand during prayer also because we believe in the resurrection of Christ. When someone is resurrected, he doesn't sit down, he stands up! And so as a symbol of our belief, we always stand during prayer.

Christ is risen!

Later today Taisia was singing with gusto the Paschal troparion (as she often does these days): "Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death, and upon those in the tomb bestowing life!" Then she asked us individually: "Are you risen?" With a chuckle we each explained: "No, I'm not. First I have to die before I can be resurrected by (with) Christ."

Truly He is risen!

Pelagia's Birth

2009-03-21T21:33:00.019-06:00

So here is the long story of my short labor and delivery. By the way, "JH" is my midwife--I didn't have a chance yet to ask how she felt about me using her name.

THE EARLY DRAMA

Tuesday March 3, 2009 --At 3am my eyes fluttered open only to have my water break a second later. I got up and flicked on the light to inspect the scene and tell Andrei that my water broke. He rolled out of bed long enough to see it for himself, then he sleepily said that he was going back to bed. (Later he told me that at that moment he had a deja-vu back to the morning before I had Taisia realized that he'd better get some rest. Kinda like "Oh boy, here we go again!") I spent the next hour or so in the bathroom doing the math, looking back at all the pre-labor signs that had been pointing to this moment, and trying to calm my adrenaline rush. I also filled my big water cup (1 L) and had some cheese. I remembered what a poor job of eating and drinking I did with my first, and this time I wanted to do it right.

Ideally I would have "waited" to go into labor until Friday, Wednesday at the earliest, and here I was early Tuesday morning with a broken bag of waters and intermittent contractions. I was a little nervous but decided to try to relax; after all, there was no stopping it now. So I prayed, particularly to the Theotokos (Mother of God/God-bearer) and to St Luke of Simferopol (during his life he had the gift of healing both through prayer and through his skills as a surgeon)--I also anointed myself with oil from the lampada by his incorrupt relics. I then drank some holy water (water blessed by the priest with special prayers) and laid back in bed, prayer rope in hand. As my fingers passed over each wooden bead, I inhaled "Lord Jesus Christ" and exhaled "have mercy on me" or "on my unborn child". This helped me focus and relax.

At 6am I finally decided to call J.H. Now, I was supposed to call her when my water broke, but I thought "Oh, but it's so early. I'll wait a few. I'll for sure call if things really pick up." Actually, I was also supposed to keep her informed about my early signs so that she'd have fair warning of my impending labor/birth. So, um yeah, I probably should've called her on Sunday when I lost my mucous plug, or at least on Monday when I felt more pressure and had a sense of something being different somehow... But anyway, the point is that I did finally call 3 hours after my water broke. When she picked up and heard it was me, it was something like "Oh dear, it's you" because, as I mentioned, it was a little early in the week for this to be happening. Because I was riding the line of delivering a little early versus delivering too early, she encouraged me to have a serious talk with Andrei to weigh the risks and benefits of delivering at home at this point; meanwhile she'd seriously think about her own comfort-level with the situation, keeping everyone's safety in mind. She gave me some statistics and other information to consider and said to call her back once we'd had a chance to talk.

After my conversation with J.H., I became afraid of my contractions (still intermittent) which made them hurt more. I woke Andrei up and gave him the run-down. As odd as it might seem to some, having to deliver in the hospital was/is a scary, unthinkable proposition to me. The only reason I'd ever be "glad" to go would be if I were in a scary situation that very much required the skills of the doctors and nurses. In our case, I was completely torn about what would be the right decision since it was not dire nor totally risk-free (is it ever, though?). Although he, too, was looking forward to a home birth, Andrei was more than willing to go to the hospital if it meant everyone would be safe. After a hard cry, I decided that I could and would go to the hospital if, after talking with JH again, we all decided it would be best. After all, I didn't want to avoid the hospital simply out of principle. It was important for me to concede to the fact that I may not get the birth I wanted and to remember what really mattered --that today I'd meet my sweet little baby. With all the emotions flooding over me, my contractions completely stopped.

Around 7am I called my trusty sister-in-law/doula, Angela, for her opinion and support. She did some research and called me back with some helpful information and thoughts. She advised me to put myself on modified bedrest until we'd spoken with JH again. After having that good cry and then after talking to Angela, I felt refreshed and more clear-minded. Andrei and I had another discussion, and we decided that if JH were to leave it completely up to us, we'd feel most comfortable (and safe!) staying home. However, if her advice leaned towards going to the hospital, we were ready to do that. With that decided, Andrei and Taisia brought me a big bowl of cottage cheese and fruit and refilled my water cup. I then began reading the Akathist to the Mother of God.

Around 10am-ish, Angela came by with treats from a local pastry shop, and soon after that JH arrived to look me over and to talk. After some discussion about the pros and cons and agreeing about the fact that having babies on the early side is nothing new in my family, we decided that we were all confident that everything would go well and baby would be just fine. We would be having a home birth after all! Glory to God! I was so incredibly relieved that it felt a bit surreal at first.

From this point on I didn't necessarily need to stay in bed any more, and JH predicted that my contractions would start again either at Taisia's nap-time or later, once she was asleep for the night. In the meantime, my goal was to get some sleep since I'd been up since 3 am.

THINGS GET GOING

It was such a bright, beautiful spring day. It was warm enough to have the windows open, and a gentle breeze freshened the air in our apartment. I felt particularly cheery laying in bed, looking out the window. Before taking a snooze, we decided that we'd better set up for the birth. I sat on the couch while Andrei covered the floor with plastic and got the kiddie pool/birth tub ready in the main room. Then he and Taisia left to get a couple last minute items while I tried to sleep. Although I never quite fell asleep, I was able to deeply relax for the next two hours or so. During this time the contractions started coming every 10-15 minutes. They were quite strong and required me to focus on breathing my way through them, but I was able to continue laying in bed. After Taisia went down for a nap (around 1:45p), I got up and, as JH predicted, the contractions became more frequent. I soon found that singing through the contractions decreased the pain so I walked around with my ipod and sang along to my favorite liturgical/spiritual songs. I played a song only during a contraction so that it would help me focus and would not become just background noise. Between contractions I brought out more gear for the birth, proof-read a blog post for Andrei's website, and set up a little table by the pool with candles I'd received from my Blessingway and the icons of the Theotokos and St Luke. Meanwhile, Andrei wrote that blog post, started filling the pool, read with Taisia, gave me hugs and asked "Can I do anything for you? You're so independent this time!" As for Taisia, when she and her wild hair woke up from her nap and saw Andrei filling the pool, she immediately stripped down and hovered around the pool with the fish net, just waiting to get in.

By 2:30p I realized that I'd better start keeping track of the duration and frequency of the contractions. As it turned out they were already 3-4 minutes apart, lasting almost a minute. Around 3p I hesitantly suggested that Andrei call JH and Angela to let them know our status--it seemed odd to call after it'd been only 30 minutes. JH told him that it sounded like we'd be having the baby soon and that she'd be right over. I think everyone arrived around 3:30p. I kept thinking that I felt too comfortable for them to have come already, but I knew that the timing of the contractions indicated otherwise.

LET THE FUN BEGIN

Not long after everyone arrived, I had to stop walking altogether and instead leaned onto the arm of the couch and rocked my hips. Once it became too hard to sing, I listened to the sisters from St Paisius Monastery sing the Jesus Prayer. I put it on repeat, and that song is what got me through every contraction (all 10 of them...just kidding) up until the last few pushes.

During this time, I know that Taisia read a book "about babies born" with Angela--so cute!--but other than that I'm not sure what she was doing. Most likely she was still eyeing the pool!

Although I didn't get the shakes this time around, I did get some strong cramps in my hamstrings--almost hurt as much or more than the contractions! JH gave me some sublingual homeopathic Magnesium tabs which helped a little bit. The cramping made me want to squat on the floor to rest my muscles, so Andrei suggested that I lean on the birth ball. I didn't think I wanted it, but when he brought it over anyway I quickly changed my mind. While I labored on my knees, leaning over the ball, Taisia and Andrei applied gentle pressure on my back. (I didn't want much pressure b/c it made it hurt more.) I loved to feel her hot naked little body next to me and her little hand on my back as she and Papa faithfully stood by my side--it was so sweet! She saw how the ladies kept offering me a drink between contractions so once she also made sure to offer me a drink--"Drink Mama? Mama, wanna drink?", holding the straw for me and everything. She was just how I'd imagined she'd be. Andrei did a fantastic job with her.

As the contractions became more intense, I remembered how hard it had become towards the end of my labor the first time. I became a little nervous about what lay ahead! I mentioned it to everyone, and later they told me that this was one indication to them that I was in transition. Sure enough, around that time I started feeling "pushy." They asked if I wanted to get in the pool. I wasn't excited about it, but I remembered how I got stuck in certain positions with Taisia's birth so I decided to go for it. Plus, Taisia would've been so disappointed if the baby wasn't born in the water--in her mind that's just how it is supposed to happen! Well, the water felt amazing and I was so glad that I got in!

Of course, this was Taisia's chance to finally get in the water. She got her trusty fish net and was catching "fishies" when she wasn't helping me through a contraction. I only had to ask her once not to climb on me, and when she was a bit too loud during a contraction I'd just turn up my ipod. It was a pleasure to have her in there with me; her happiness made me happy. However after seeing the first small blood clot float up, she was ready to get out, like, now! So the rest of the time she sat with "Aunt Ah" who wrapped her in a towel and kept her close.

HI, BABY!

In the tub it felt good to really push through the contractions, but at the same time I was hesitant because I could hardly believe that it was already that time! But everyone kept telling me that if my body wanted to push then I should do it and not back away from the pain. So I listened and did my best to go with the flow. I really tried to push hard while keeping my hands and breathing relaxed. Unlike with the last birth, this time I was fairly quiet while pushing. I don't know when exactly, but at some point Taisia reminded me (with a brief demonstration) about what labor is "supposed" to sound like, based on all those birth videos we watched together :)

Very soon JH told me that I could reach down and feel the head. It was only about 1" in--again, I was amazed that the baby was right there! Feeling the head inside boosted my confidence and helped me mentally picture where she was and what was happening as she moved down and out. (It reminds me of how, with Taisia, I didn't believe she was actually going to come out until I'd delivered her whole body!)

Finally the baby's little head popped out, and I felt such relief that I stopped, drew back and exclaimed, "Is that the baby?!"
"Yes," they said, "It's the head. Keep pushing."
"Oh, okay."
Meanwhile, Taisia was quiet and watchful, and Angela said that she could feel her little heart racing. I'm so thankful she had her auntie to help her feel felt safe!

After a little more pushing the little sweetie was born. I was on my knees, leaning over the side, and when I felt her coming I reached down and pulled her up in front of me--I'll never forget how tiny and squirmy she was! I quickly sat back, happy as can be, and looked at our new baby. She was pink, covered in vernix and had just a slight cone-head molding. She opened her eyes right away and gave a few kitten-like squeals. We didn't find out the gender ahead of time, so when JH inadvertently referring to the baby as "her" it reminded me to look and see who it was. Indeed we had another little girl! We called Taisia over and she patted her on the head and said "Hi baby!"

With some help I stood up and stepped out of the pool to deliver the placenta. This time the cord was well connected (no crazy velamentous insertion this time) and the placenta was small and a little old-looking (I guess, because it had some calcifications, right ladies?) I sat against the pool for a bit, and baby rooted around and showed signs that she'd probably nurse well later.

Sure enough, once we were situated in bed she latched on after a few tries and nursed for the next 30 minutes. While she nursed, I asked Andrei to name her. He made the final decision to name her Pelagia Andreyevna.

Pelagia's exam showed her to be totally healthy and normal. She did have an intermittent heart murmur, but it resolved by the next day if I remember correctly. She weighed 5 lbs 15 oz and was about 18 inches long. JH estimated my blood loss to have been around 250 ml, which really isn't much. Generally I felt strong, though sore. I didn't even need stitches. We were both in great shape, especially considering the "precipitous" birth (labor/birth 2 hrs or less).

Soon Caleb and the kids came over for dinner and to meet Pelagia. Taisia had lots of fun playing with them. I'm sure it helped her release some tension after all that she just experienced. Also, Grandma Jo came bearing treats from Whole Foods, including fun things like little cookies for the big sister.

Andrei and I were simply amazed at our day. The birth really couldn't have been more perfect, down to all the little details: getting to stay home; perfect weather; it happened during the day instead of the middle of the night; Taisia being able to be a part of the process; me being so calm and happy; the contractions not so difficult as before; nice and quick labor; no complications; healthy mom and baby... It was miraculous!

One of the very special things that worked out just perfectly was being able to have Taisia at my side during the whole process. I had really, really hoped it would work out for her to be home for the birth, even if it meant she would be in bed sleeping. Just having her in the house was so important to me. My ideal, though, was to have her awake and a part of the process. But, you just never know with kids. She would need to be in the right mood, it would need to coordinate with her nap just so, and the labor couldn't be too terribly intense or long. And sure enough, it all worked out. It was such a joy to have my little family all together as we welcomed a new member.

JH, her apprentice and Angela (my birth team) were wonderful--I so appreciate their wisdom and support. I am very thankful for the prayers of my family and for the intercessions of the blessed Theotokos and St Luke of Simferopol. Through their prayers, everything was pretty much perfect. Truly God is wondrous in His saints!

Glory to God for all things!

Ostrov

2008-12-28T15:15:00.008-07:00

The simplicity, the humbleness, the remoteness, the miracles converge into creating a timeless snapshot of the Orthodox spirituality, apart from the historical circumstances. Patriarch Alexei II of Russia praised Ostrov for its profound depiction of faith and monastic life, calling it a "vivid example of an effort to take a Christian approach to culture." (Wikipedia)

Over the holidays I had the opportunity to watch Ostrov yet again (Russian film portraying Orthodox spirituality). Afterwards my husband and I both commented on how the more we watch it, the more we get it. What I love the most are the prayers: the Jesus Prayer, Psalm 50, the Trisagion, the opening of Divine Liturgy... When I hear those oh-so-familiar words, I have a strong sense of home and peace whether it is being prayed in Russian, English, in my own parish, in a church in a different country (or even jurisdiction :) ), or in a film.

I jotted down some of the thoughts about it that have been floating around in my mind and thought I'd type 'em up--no particular agenda or message to this post. Mostly factoids. Probably will use bullet points, even. Whether or not you've seen the movie, this probably will seem quite random. Not sure if I'd call these spoilers, but I guess if you like to experience movies like this without any expectations or preconceived thoughts, you may not want to read this.

So anway...

I really noticed this time how there is no indication of disbelief or surprise when the monks find out that Fr Anatoly is preparing to depart this life and that he knows the exact day. Those who live holy lives of prayer more expect miracles and this sort of thing than they are surprised by them. They have a clearer understanding of reality and of what is the norm. The Orthodox approach to death is one of the things which will change me the most over time, I think. The balance of sober reality and peace is really beautiful, and I appreciate how it is portrayed in this film.

As a fool for Christ, Fr Anatoly disguises his greatness (God's grace) before others so as to avoid praise and elevation in rank. When his strange ways are judged, he only defends himself with Scripture--that really stuck out to me this time. Although he is simply following Christ's example with his responses, at first glance it looks like just another example of odd behavior. But he has truly become a stranger to this world, and he does not seek any justification from man.

This was the first time it sunk in that the cozy room where Fr Anatoly prays (keeps his icon) is his cell where he's supposed to sleep. However, he chooses to sleep on the rough coals without any bedding. Before, I recognized it as an aesthetic effort of depriving himself of unnecessary comforts. This time I see it as him keeping his sins continually before himself in order to stay in a constant state of repentence. He labors over the coal (symbol of his sin) during the day, sleeps on it at night, and suffers with it in his lungs. Because of his life of repentence and humility, God grants him the gift of tears, prayer of the heart, healing, and of clairvoyance.

I think the abbot Filaret is a great character. He seems peace-loving and unobtrusive. He sees Fr Anatoly's holiness and has the difficult job of reconciling (before the other monks) Fr Anatoly's unusual ways with the order of the monastery. I also notice that he does not seem intimidated by the fact that Fr Anatoly, a simple monk whom he probably helped to save, has apparently achieved a higher level of holiness than himself, the abbot. Also, during the movie his quiet demeanor is contrasted with a firey, obnoxious confrontation of his sin. As an observer it is easy to judge his character for being so attached to fine boots and linens, being an abbot and all. However, in "reality" (being that he's fictional), he lives in the harsh conditions of northern Russia on an island and takes comfort in a couple worldly things which he didn't even buy for himself. Those are small potatoes compared to my worldly appetite for comfort and fine things! What is most important is that he readily humbles himself, takes the correction and is thankful for it.

Frs Job and Filaret are convicted of their own downfalls just by interacting with Fr Anatoly in his regular day-to-day life. His virtues exaggerate their sins. Him sleeping on coals and doing such hard labor in his poor health is in stark contrast to the abbot's beloved luxuries. His humility and prostrations for forgiveness before Job frustrate Job all the more because he is not willing to let go of his pride. It is interesting how true that is to reality.

Lastly, it always strikes me how people come to Fr Anatoly looking for advise, prayer and miracles, but then are unwilling to accept all that is offered to them. They thought they knew what they wanted... The mother brought her son for physical healing, but did not care as much for his spiritual healing although that is the whole point of life and therefore of God's dealings with us.

If you haven't seen Ostrov yet, I highly recommend it. I have to admit (and warn you) that the subtitles are subpar for sure. But I have heard enough great reviews from English-only speakers to have hope that it can make some sense anyway.

St Nicholas of Myra...the feast approaches!

2008-12-17T15:10:00.001-07:00

The truth of thy deeds
hath revealed thee to thy flock as a canon of faith,
an icon of meekness,
and a teacher of abstinence;
for this cause thou hast achieved the heights by humility,
riches by poverty,
O Father and Hierarch Nicholas,
intercede with Christ God that our souls may be saved. ~ Troparion

This glorious saint, celebrated even today throughout the entire world, was the only son of his eminent and wealthy parents, Theophanes and Nona, citizens of the city of Patara in Lycia. Since he was the only son bestowed on them by God, the parents returned the gift to God by dedicating their son to Him. St. Nicholas learned of the spiritual life from his uncle Nicholas, Bishop of Patara, and was tonsured a monk in the Monastery of New Zion founded by his uncle. Following the death of his parents, Nicholas distributed all his inherited goods to the poor, not keeping anything for himself. As a priest in Patara, he was known for his charity, even though he carefully concealed his charitable works, fulfilling the words of the Lord: Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth (Matthew 6:3). When he gave himself over to solitude and silence, thinking to live that way until his death, a voice from on high came to him: “Nicholas, for your ascetic labor, work among the people, if thou desirest to be crowned by Me.” Immediately after that, by God’s wondrous providence, he was chosen archbishop of the city of Myra in Lycia. Merciful, wise and fearless, Nicholas was a true shepherd to his flock. During the persecution of Christians under Diocletian and Maximian, he was cast into prison, but even there he instructed the people in the Law of God. He was present at the First Ecumenical Council of Nicaea [325] and, out of great zeal for the truth, struck the heretic Arius with his hand. For this act he was removed from the Council and from his archiepiscopal duties, until the Lord Christ Himself and the Most-holy Theotokos appeared to several of the chief hierarchs and revealed their approval of Nicholas. A defender of God’s truth, this wonderful saint was ever bold as a defender of justice among the people. On two occasions, he saved three men from an undeserved sentence of death. Merciful, truthful, and a lover of justice, he walked among the people as an angel of God. Even during his lifetime, the people considered him a saint and invoked his aid in difficulties and in distress. He appeared both in dreams and in person to those who called upon him, and he helped them easily and speedily, whether close at hand or far away. A light shone from his face as it did from the face of Moses, and he, by his presence alone, brought comfort, peace and good will among men. In old age he became ill for a short time and entered into the rest of the Lord, after a life full of labor and very fruitful toil, to rejoice eternally in the Kingdom of Heaven, continuing to help the faithful on earth by his miracles and to glorify his God. He entered into rest on December 6, 343. ~The Prologue From Ohrid (written by St Nikolai of Ochrid)

Commemorated December 6 (19, OC).

what would i do?

2008-12-03T23:45:00.005-07:00

What would I do if one of my children told me they were gay?

Recently my husband was asked this question, but not by a Christian conservative. It was prefaced with the comments: "You are super conservative" and "Many gays were raised in very religious homes."

When told about it, my first thought was: "Super conservative? Ha, yeah right." It's funny that when someone has a certain set of beliefs they're immediately given the infamous "conservative" label. My second thought was me wanting to ask this guy: "Oh, so you don't believe that it is genetic?"

Hurt pride aside, the main thing I thought and have continued to think about was, "What would there be to DO?" Not knowing what we'd DO apparently means that we are in denial, being ultra-conservative and all. But, really. What is there to do? Sure, I'd most likely be shocked, in denial, confused. But those are not actions. I'm assuming he was asking if we'd kick them out of the house and/or try to convince them that they, in fact, are not gay and send them to some kind of group therapy. Funny how none of that crossed my mind until it (so it seems) was projected onto me/our family.

All I know is that I'd keep loving them. True love is shown through action, right? So I hope that I'd do my best to show them love, first and foremost.

It's got me wondering, what is more unnatural to our nature: judgment and hatred or homosexuality?

I think that what I've learned from this little conversation (that didn't even involve me directly) is that what I'd DO is act preemptively by trying to raise my children a certain way. Teach them to praise God in all things and for all things (and people). Teach them love and humility and also about the nature of sin. Teach them the parable: "Let him without sin cast the first stone." Help them find at least one way in which their neighbor surpasses them in holiness (yes, even the atheist, gay neighbor). Teach them Orthodox beliefs and values, and help them "have an answer for everything"--not be blind sheep. Teach them the nature of this world and that of the world we await and strive toward. To be strong in their values and not support the normalization of any sin, but also not to be surprised and reactive when others clash against them and want the opposite...

Kind of a tall order, but such is parenting anyway! Through trying to teach them these things hopefully I myself will learn a thing or two. This way, if we do have that 'fateful' conversation, maybe I will be prepared to ACT as a "conservative, really religious" Christian parent should--with love.

So that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it :)

revelation about Revelation

2008-11-29T14:26:00.003-07:00

I was just listening to Matthew Gallatin and he was talking about sola scriptura. He mentioned the use of Rev. 22:18-19 as support for sola scriptura and then read the passage. As he was reading, before he said anything more, the light bulb went off in my head and I practically gasped from surprise at the obvious:

Revelation 22:18-19
"For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophesy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book. And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophesy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city and from the things which are written in this book."

Advocates of sola scriptura heavily rely on this passage: to them "the book" mentioned is the complete, Old and New Testament Bible--the complete canon. However, the book in question is plainly "this prophesy" of St John and not the entire New Testament canon (which did not exist at the time). In fact, the book of Revelation almost didn't make it into the final New Testament canon.

Nowhere in Scripture does it say that ALL the important doctrines and traditions that Christians are to follow are spelled out in the letters written by the apostles to the churches (esp in those specific ones that made it into the complete canon). And nowhere does it say that any practice not specifically spelled out in the Scriptures is to be rejected (unless Rev 22;18-19 is misinterpreted).

One must presuppose sola scriptura to be true in order to interpret the passage to be referring to the complete canon of the Bible as we know it today.

the 17th Kathisma

2008-11-01T22:38:00.002-06:00

I have been reading the 17th Kathisma of the Psalter for my departed Grandmother and am interested to learn the specific reasons why this particular Kathisma was chosen.

Personally, as I read it I think, "This is not describing me at all!" and that's partly why I wondered why it would be read for me at my departure from this life. Here is a quote that directly addresses my question:

"At this service the 17th Kathisma (17th Kathisma — a Kathisma is one of the 20 divisions of the Psalter. The 17th Kathisma is comprised solely of Psalm 118 (Psalm 119 in the King James Version), the longest psalm in the Psalter) is read, which reveals to us the condition of our heart, and like a magnet draws out of it everything passionate and sinful which prevents us from approaching the Lord." (The One Thing Needful)

As I, a sinner, read it, it really does seem to turn into a prayer of compunction followed with the hope that someday, somehow I will be able to pray Prophet David's words from a pure heart.

Please share if you have learned anything about it or find anything!

two letters from hell

2008-10-26T20:56:00.012-06:00

As the nation prepares for Halloween, I bring you A Letter from Hell. It was put out by Dare 2 Share, a group published by Focus on the Family, and you can now find it on Godtube.com. Enjoy :) Oh, and the juicy part ends around 6:48--past that it gets a bit boooorrring.

Those who brought you A Letter from Hell now present Letter from 2012 in Obama’s America. It's not a stirring video, but it is a long, dramatic essay. Here is a Facebook group's summary of what the "letter" says:

Focus on the Family Action recently put out a hypothetical letter that outlined what America would look like from the perspective of a Christian looking back on an Obama presidency from 2012. The letter starts off by saying, “Many Christians voted for Obama – Younger evangelicals actually provided him with the needed margin to defeat John McCain – but they didn’t think he would really follow through on the far-Left policies that had marked his career. They were wrong.” Here are just some of their scenarios Focus on the Family paints for us:

- The Supreme court leans liberal, 6 to 3.
- Terrorist attacks have occurred in 4 US cities.
- Christian doctors, nurses, counselors, and teachers have either been fired or quit.
- Iran perpetrated a nuclear attack on Israel, drastically reducing the size of its borders.
- Pornography is freely displayed.
- Inner city violent crime has dramatically increased due to gun control.
- Russia has occupied 4 additional countries.
- Gas tops $7 a gallon.
- Euthanasia becomes commonplace.
- Blackouts occur throughout the country.
- Homosexual marriage becomes law in all 50 states.
- Campus ministries, Christian adoption agencies and Christian schools nearly cease to exist.
- Home school families emigrate to Australia and New Zealand by the thousands.
- Bush officials are jailed and bankrupt.
- Taliban oppression overtakes Iraq and death of American sympathizers reaches millions.
- Homosexuals are given a bonus to enlist in the military.

I'm not really sure what to say in response, except that if these letters reflect the truth, I must a) be an idiot, b) not be a good Christian, and therefore c) be going straight to Hell. I guess all I can say is WISH YOU WERE HERE...HA ha ha ha ha *evil laugh*

On Halloween

2008-10-24T21:26:00.002-06:00

Here we go again. Since I can remember I always had a thing against Halloween. It is so dark, ugly and offensive. Even non-scary ways of celebrating Halloween don't settle right with me because the way we celebrate it doesn't change what it is actually about.

Throughout the years I've found that the people in my life who've tried the hardest to convince me that it is okay, even very good, to celebrate Halloween have been practicing Christians. I always thought this was a bit ironic.

So I was so happy to learn a few years back that our own Vladika, Bishop Kyrill, wrote a concise essay, On Halloween, about its origins and why Orthodox Christians should reject every aspect possibly related to it. My favorite part is how he says that all of our actions are either for God or against God, and that we cannot pretend that pagan practices are not related to the spiritual world and therefore are of no consequence. Afterall, we do not live in a merely physical world.

These contemporary Halloween practices have their roots in paganism, idolatry, and Satan worship. How then did something that is so obviously contradictory to the holy Orthodox Faith gain acceptance among Christian people?

The answer to this question is: spiritual apathy and listlessness, which are the spiritual roots of atheism and the turning away from God. In today's society one is continually urged to disregard the spiritual roots and origins of secular practices under the guise that the outward customs, practices and forms are cute, fun, entertaining, and harmless. Behind this attitude lies the dogma of atheism, which denies the existence of both God and Satan and can therefore conclude that these activities, despite their obvious pagan and idolatrous origin, are harmless and of no consequence.

The holy Church must stand against this because we are taught by Christ that God stands in judgment over everything we do and believe, and that our actions are either for God or against God. Therefore, the customs of Halloween are not innocent practices with no relationship to the spiritual world. But rather they are demonic practices, precisely as an examination of their origins proves.

ps. I know that likely some of the people reading my blog do celebrate Halloween in their own ways. This post is just about me and my family and what I truly to be right--and if you haven't noticed, I believe/feel very strongly about certain things :) Love you all!

a prayer for Grandma

2008-10-05T20:42:00.003-06:00

My grandmother passed away comfortably in her sleep last Sunday morning after two weeks of pain and suffering. May God give rest to her soul.

God blessed me with frequent, sweet and quiet visits with Grandma during those two weeks, up to her last hours. Especially towards the end and on the day of her passing, I kept my chotki close and said the Jesus prayer--this gave me such comfort and a sense of strength. During this busy week of funeral/memorial services, I have been so grateful for my copy of the 17th Kathisma (certain part of the Psalter) and the Akathist to Jesus Christ for a Loved One who has Fallen Asleep as it is so comforting to be able to pray for her at home (she is not Orthodox).

I'd like to share a few of the prayers from the Akathist:

Kontakion 3
Bound with the bonds of the flesh, Thy servant would fall into sin, but her spirit pined for Thine eternal truth and holiness. Now, when the weakness of the flesh is constrained by the corruption of the tomb, may her soul be borne aloft higher than the sun to Thee, the All-holy, and may it sing a song of deliverance: Alleluia!

Ikos 3
Thy chief Apostle, in the cold night by the bonfire, denied Thee thrice yet Thou didst save him. Thou who alone knowest the weakness of human nature: forgive also Thy servant Christine for the many ways she often fell away from Thy will:
Jesus, establish her there, where there is no going astray.
Jesus, deliver her from grievous torments of the conscience.
Jesus, may the memory of her sins perish forever.
Jesus, remember not the temptations of her youth.
Jesus, cleanse her of secret transgressions.
Jesus, overshadow her with the gladsome light of salvation.
Jesus, All-merciful Judge, vouchsafe Thy servant Christine the sweetness of Paradise.

Kontakion 7
We believe that our parting will be brief. We bury thee, as grain in a field, and thou wilt spring forth in another land. Let the weeds of thy sins die in the grave, but may good deeds shine forth there, where good seed brings forth incorrupt fruit, and where holy souls sing: Alleluia!

Ikos 7
When the fate of the departed fades into oblivion, when her image dims in the heart and time obliterates, along with her tomb, the fervency of prayer for her, then do Thou not abandon her but give delight to her lonely soul:
Jesus, the warmth of Thy love never ceases.
Jesus, Thy goodwill is inexhaustible.
Jesus, in the never-silent supplications of the Church may her sins be washed away by the offering of the Bloodless Sacrifice.
Jesus, through the intercession of all Thy Saints, grant her the grace of prayer for the living.
Jesus, in the days of our own trials, accept her intercession for us.
Jesus, All-merciful Judge, vouchsafe Thy servant Christine the sweetness of Paradise.

Amen.

(Akathist to Jesus Christ For a Loved One who has Fallen Asleep published by St Paisius Serbian Orthodox Monastery.)

Francis of Assisi and stigmata

2008-08-31T22:44:00.000-06:00

I know little about Francis of Assisi (of the Roman Catholic Church) and have recently been curious to read more about him since he is such a well-known figure. Coincidentally I just came across an essay entitled: "A Comparison of the Mysticism of Francis of Assisi With That of St. Seraphim of Sarov". I have only breezed through it so far, and it sounds interesting. Here is a snippet:

"The experience (stigmatisation) of Francis of Assisi is remarkable and of singular interest to Orthodox Christians, since as mentioned above, nothing similar is encountered in the experience of the Orthodox Church with a long line of ascetics, and equally long history of mystical experiences. As a matter of fact, all of the things Francis experienced in the process of his stigmatisation are the very beguilements the Church Fathers repeatedly warned against!"

I was surprised to learn that he experienced stigmatisation (was he the first?). I guess I was surprised just because I kind of forgot that it exists not only in movies, plus I have never given stigmata much of a thought since it is not something that occurs in Orthodoxy.

The first thing that came to mind when I read that Francis wanted to experience Christ's earthly sufferings was the story of an Orthodox saint who prayed that God would find him worthy to suffer as a martyr throughout his life--oxymoron?--yes and no because he was tortured *almost to death regularly for something like 60 yrs of his life. They would literally rip apart of his body one day, and overnight he would be completely healed. The next day the cycle would begin again until that leader would grow frustrated/embarrassed and pass him off to a new court where they devised new ways of trying to kill him. Through witnessing his faith and sufferings, many were saved. He suffered for the sake of Christ and His Church.

Anyway, I look forward to reading the whole thing very soon.

the Dormition of the Most-Holy Theotokos

2008-08-27T22:56:00.001-06:00

Congratulations with the Feast!

Tonight's service touched me, and I found the following songs especially beautiful, the words and the tunes (too bad you can't hear it--next time you should join me!)

O ye Apostles, having gathered here from the ends of the earth,
bury my body in Gethsemane.
And do Thou, O my Son and God,
receive my spirit. (Extapastilarion)

When the Translation of thy most pure tabernacle was being prepared,
the apostles surrounded thy deathbed and looked upon thee with dread,
and as they gazed at thy body, they were filled with awe.
In tears Peter cried aloud to thee:
'O undefiled Virgin
I see thee who art the life of all mankind lying here outstreched,
and I am struck with wonder:
for He who is the delight of the future life
made His dwelling in thee.
Pray, then, fervently to thy Son and God
to save thy flock from harm.' (Tone 6--)

congratulations with the feast!

2008-08-18T22:13:00.002-06:00

Today is the feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord. Glory to Thee, our God, glory to Thee!

Troparion:

"Thou wast transfigured on the mountain O Christ our God
showing to Thy disciples Thy glory as each one could endure;
shine forth Thou on us, who are sinners all, Thy light ever-unending
through the prayers of the Theotokos, O Light-giver, glory to Thee"

prayers for the departed

2008-08-08T22:36:00.005-06:00

It seems that every forty days someone in my family's extended circle passes away. For forty days after someone's passing, our family says this prayer every evening before bedtime:

"Have mercy, O Lord, on the soul of Thy departed servant ______ and grant them eternal rest in Thy Kingdom, where sickness and sorrow are no more, neither sighing, but life ever-lasting. Amen"

For the last year, we've said a new name almost every forty days (or somewhat close to it). I am actually considering putting together a "wall of the departed" with their pictures in our room under the cross. It would both serve as a reminder to pray for them all and as a reality check for our lives.

I just read the article Prayers for the Dead: Pannikhida by Bishop Alexander (Mileant). It is a short explanation of the Orthodox belief of our fate after death and the importance of prayers for the dead.

The more I understand and take in these Orthodox understandings, the more hope and peace I have for my own passing through death. Heaven for me is becoming less and less like an 'empty white room' and more like a community of people lovingly praying and helping each other to the glory of God. I am also more aware of the fact that the spiritual realm I will encounter after the death of my body is not supposed to be unfamiliar and that the goal of this life is to learn how to live in unison with the Holy Spirit, His saints (here and departed) and angels--life as it was meant to be lived in the garden, a perfect mystical union of the physical and of the spiritual.

From the article, here are some reality checks for me:

"Man is given life in order to learn how to believe, to do good, and to develop his talents. All of these things make up his spiritual riches, or, in the words of the Saviour, his "treasure in heaven." Death sums up the life of a person, and his soul must then come before God for an accounting, to receive its reward or punishment."

"While a person lives, God gives him the chance to repent and correct his shortcomings. After death, the possibility of repentance is removed. Still, if a person dies and is not deserving of paradise, this does not mean that he is doomed to eternal torment. Until the Last Judgment, the torments of sinners in hell are temporary and can be relieved or even removed by the prayers of believing people and the Church."

About the judgment the soul receives just after "falling asleep":

"But the judgment which follows soon after death is not yet the final judgment, because only the soul is being judged, without the body. About the existence of this preliminary judgment the Apostle Paul wrote: "It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment" (Heb. 9:27). At the end of the world, after the universal resurrection of the dead, there will be the universal Last Judgment, at which God will judge all people simultaneously. Then each person will receive either eternal reward or eternal punishment with his or her resurrected body.

"Thus, there exist two states after death: one for the souls of the righteous, in paradise; the other for the souls of sinners, in hell. (The Orthodox Church does not accept the Roman Catholic teaching about an intermediate state in Purgatory. The church fathers usually attribute the word "Gehenna" to the state after the Last Judgment, when both death and hell will be cast into a fiery lake, cf. Rev. 20:15)."

Physical death is no longer the end for us nor for our relationships with one another:

"In order to appreciate the power of prayers for the dead, it must be understood that death interrupts only the physical contact among people; spiritual contact continues. This contact is realized through prayer....Thus, prayer joins our world with another world, where the angels, the saints and our departed relatives and friends dwell. Since the moment of the resurrection of Christ death has lost its former fatality; instead, it has become the beginning of a new life....Christians who have departed from this world do not sever their ties to the Church to which they belonged during their life."

"Prayers for the dead always benefit them. If they were not deemed worthy of heaven, these prayers alleviate their fate beyond the grave, and if they are in paradise, these prayers give them joy and an increase of light."

(I have posted a lot from the article here. You may just want to go read the whole thing if you're interested. Father Alexander's website is such a great resource for such articles.)
---------------

back into it

2008-08-06T13:59:00.004-06:00

Hey everyone. I have been missing for a while, I know. I've been busy with a bunch of different things, and nothing in particular has come to mind to write. I've had a lot to think about, but picking one thought and then translating it into something readable can be an issue sometimes. Anyway, I'm hoping to get back into writing now and then. I like to write because it usually means that I've been reading and thinking and been more conscious of my experiences.

I've been reading Illness and Cure of the Soul in the Orthodox Tradition by the Metropolitan of Nafpaktos Hierotheos. It is a great book, and I'd be interested in seeing if he has published any others. I'm also reading The Way of a Pilgrim, a classic gem about the Prayer of the Heart which I plan to reread. Both have been very edifying and I have a million little tabbies marking my favorite pages :)

Something new--I have joined a discussion group for the book Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard. It is outside my normal type of reading, but it should be interesting to see some of the new (or not) ideas forming within in the Protestant circle. So far the book seems fairly rationalistic/scientific, but I am only into the second chapter. Maybe a better description would be "thorough"--he is careful to clarify everything, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I could barely stand the first chapter, but the second chapter was more palatable, I guess you could say. Glancing ahead there were a few topics I do look forward to reading. My ultimate measuring stick for the book is whether or not there is an emphasis on repentance and prayer as the main things we can do to change the course of our spiritual formation. In any case, in the group there have been a few great comments, and I look forward to hearing more of people's thoughts as we go through the book.

I guess that's it for now. I'll keep you posted :)

a prayerful sighing of parents for their children

2008-07-07T21:59:00.004-06:00

These prayers a so beautiful and helpful. If you have children (or God-children), I hope you are able to incorporate them into your prayers.
(original source)

LORD Jesus Christ, Son of God, for the sake of the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother, hearken unto me, Thine unworthy servant (name), O Lord, govern in mercy my children, Thy servants (names). Have mercy on them and save them, for Thy name’s sake.O Lord, forgive them all their transgressions, voluntary and involuntary, that they may be perfected before Thee. O Lord, set them on the true path of Thy commandments and enlighten their minds with the Light of Christ unto salvation of their souls and the healing of their bodies. Bless them, O Lord, at home, at school, in their journeys and in every place of Thy dominion. Preserve and shelter them, O Lord, from flying bullets, arrows, the sword, poison and fire, from mortal wounds and sudden death. Guard them, O Lord, from all visible and invisible enemies, and from all danger, evil and misfortune. Heal them O Lord, from all sickness, deliver them from every impurity, and lighten their spiritual sufferings. Grant them, O Lord, the grace of Thy Holy Spirit and a long life; grant them health and chastity in all piety and love, and to live in accord with all their neighbors, near and far. Multiply and strengthen them, O Lord, in mental ability and bodily strength, given to them by Thee. Bless them to lead a pious life and, if it is pleasing to Thee, grant them married life and honorable childbearing. For Thy name’s sake, O Lord, give me, Thy sinful and unworthy servant, a parental blessing for my children and Thy servants, both in this present time, morning, noon and night, and also in Thine eternal, almighty and all-powerful Kingdom. Amen.

O God, Maker of all creation, Thou hast made me worthy to be the mother of a family, and through Thy goodness hast bestowed children upon me; and so I dare to say: these children are Thine, for Thou hast given them being, hast infused them with an immortal soul, and hast raised them to life through baptism. And in accordance with Thy will Thou has adopted them and received them into the bosom of Thy Church. Send down to me Thy gracious help in raising my children, for the glory of Thy name. Bestow on me patience and strength to do Thy will. Teach me to plant in their hearts the root of true wisdom-the fear of the Lord-that all their lives they may tremble at Thy words. Open to them the understanding of Thy law. Until the end of their days let them act with the sense that Thou art everywhere present. Plant in their hearts loathing for every transgression, that they may be pure in their signs. O Righteous Judge, who punishes children for the sins, but sprinkle them with the dew of Thy grace. O Heavenly Father, order the fate of my children according to Thy blessings, do not deprive them in this life of their daily bread, send down to them in due time all that is necessary for the acquisition of blessings in eternity. Be merciful to them, when they sin before Thee; look not upon the sins of their youth and ignorance; chastise them and have mercy on them, but turn not Thy face away from them. Turn not Thy face from the in the day of their tribulation, that they may not fall into temptations beyond their strength. Cover them with Thy mercy, that Thine Angel may walk with them and preserve them. Abandon not my children, O Lord, and give them that which is profitable for salvation. Amen.

when i was little

2008-06-20T22:57:00.003-06:00

When I was little I spoke to the angels. Not like I had visions or anything. I just knew they were there helping and protecting me, so I figured I'd talk to them on occasion. Often I'd just thank them for their help. I must have mentioned it to someone because I remember being told that we only pray (talk) to God. So after that when I'd pray to God, I'd ask him to please strengthen my angels and to thank them for me :) lol. Now I understand that it is always good to give thanks (to friends, saints, angels) and, in the same breath, to give the glory to God since it is through Him that all things come to us.

When I was little I loved the story about how Jesus said "Let the little children come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." I believed that children are particularly special to Jesus and hoped and prayed that He would return to earth while I was still young so that I could be that special little child who got to sit on His lap. How I longed for His coming!

When I was little I prayed really hard for about a week that it would literally rain money. I believed He could make it happen and saw no reason why it wouldn't be a good idea (except that the falling change would kinda hurt, like hail does). I was told that that is not exactly the kind of prayer God is likely to grant, but I just figured they probably never even tried it. Well, turns out they were right.

When I was little I often questioned my salvation and therefore would ask God again and again to come into my heart. Later I was told that I shouldn't doubt and that I didn't need to keep asking. So I stopped asking, but I didn't stop wondering/questioning until I was a little older.

When I was little I was so many things. It is funny to look back.

What comes to mind when you look back?

not so smart afterall

2008-06-15T17:28:00.005-06:00

Recently I have noticed in myself a tendency to think and read more about spiritual things than actually live a spiritual life of prayer. It's an ironic temptation. For example, often times I read or write late into the night, come away tired and then (sometimes) say a quick prayer and cross myself before drifting off to sleep. Honestly, if the angels wouldn't whisper, "Is this bed to be my coffin..?" in my ear, I'm not sure I'd even get a quick prayer in half the time. Other times when I am actually praying, very often certain words will spark different thoughts on a related subject and I will be thinking about those things while my mouth is reciting prayers.

I am now reading a book called The Way of a Pilgrim (author unknown). It is a lovely little book full of wisdom about understanding Prayer of the Heart (Jesus Prayer) and learning to apply it. Just the other night I encountered this dialogue which deals exactly with my issue. I offer it here in case it may encourage you as it has me. I put in bold my favorite part.

(spiritual Father) "Tell me more about the edifying experiences you have encountered in your wanderings."

(pilgrim) "It would take a long time to tell of them all; besides, I have already forgotten a great deal; I have always tried to remember only that which guided and urged my indolent soul to prayer. All the rest I remember but rarely. Or rather, I try to forget the past, as the Apostle Paul bids us. My late elder of blessed memory also used to say that forces opposed to the Prayer in the heart assail us from two sides, from the right hand and the left. In other words, if the enemy cannot distract us from prayer by means of vain and sinful thoughts, he brings back edifying reminiscences into our minds, or fills them with beautiful ideas so that he may draw us away from the Prayer--a thing which he cannot bear. This is called 'a theft from from the right side,' where the soul, forgetting its intercourse with God, revels in a colloquy with itself or with other created things. Therefore, he taught me to shut myself off from even the most sublime spiritual thoughts whenever I am at prayer. And if at the end of the day I remembered that more time had been given to lofty ideas and talks than to the essential secret Prayer of the Heart, I was to consider it a sign of spiritual covetousness and immoderation."

Sergei Esenin

2008-05-31T00:54:00.005-06:00

Tonight I am in the mood to listen to Russian poetry recitation, so I found these clips.

The first clip is from a tv film series "Esenin" about the life and death of Sergei Esenin. It is very well made and captivating, and we watched the whole series within a day or two. The second is not related to the film.

Here is a brief biography if you are interested.

Enjoy!

Россия родина моя

franklin graham, not my friend!

2008-05-22T00:05:00.008-06:00

I just read this article about Franklin Graham's Festival of Hope in Kiev, Ukraine. This is a good example of why the Orthodox Church is not happy about the Westernization of...I mean crusade into...I mean evangelization of Russia and Ukraine by Protestant Church, Inc.

The opening line spoke of the beauty of the golden churches in Kiev "A feeling of Old Testament gravity and ritual hangs in the air."

Then the author recalls Graham's story of Nicodemus:

"He was a very religious man ... conscientious in all his religious duties.” But for all of that, he said, Nicodemus was still troubled in his soul, unsure of how one is able to stand before God. So he went to Jesus by the cover of night to ask Him. “When Jesus answers his question, ‘You must be born again,’ Nicodemus must have been stunned,” Franklin said. “He was a Pharisee, the strictest of all religious sects. They dedicated their lives to upholding the law of God.” He continued, “You see, religion is not enough to save you.” After being in their country just a while, Franklin said, he could see Ukraine was a very religious nation—but, like Jesus told Nicodemus, religion is not enough. We have to be born again.

[Can I tell you just how much I've come to love the phrases "born again" and "personal savior"?]

Franklin explained why: “You can’t work for your salvation. If you could work for it or buy it, you would boast about it. The only way you can experience forgiveness is by God’s grace through faith in His Son Jesus Christ. ... It’s coming into an agreement with God. ... You’re telling God, I want to turn from my sins. I don’t want to go back to that old life. I want that new life.”

Graham takes cheap shots at Orthodoxy, shows a complete lack of understanding of her teachings and misleads people by telling them that the Church does not believe in salvation by grace but by works. You'd think these "great wise" leaders would be the ones most educated about other faiths so as to have a better understanding of their own. I guess not. Or does he know the truth and yet choose to mow over it in order to win more to his side?

(Kind of off topic, but I can't move on without pointing out how he says that "salvation by grace" equals an "agreement" between man and God. hm. Interesting how that works.)

I could go on and on about the issues I have with Big Chrisitanity's evanglization efforts in Russia....but I'd better not. All I'll say is GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

But, Glory to God, despite such efforts to elbow out Orthodox culture, the Russian Orthodox Church is bouncing back and is continuing to grow. The blood of the martyrs is bearing great fruits, and the unity of the Church is even stronger than before.

I heard about this article from Fr Stephen's blog. He is much more graceful and helpful in his response in "The Orthodox Church and Personal Salvation".

strange

2008-05-19T23:43:00.004-06:00

We were going through our huge stack of mail tonight and came across a strange envelope. At first I thought it was just a cheesy thing from a church, but what we found inside looked more like a cult...except I'm sure it's a total FRAUD. It sounds exactly like those emails I get from people in Nigeria trying to send me millions of dollars if only I'd fly to England to pick it up. These guys are "Saint Matthew's Church"...yeah right.

Highlights from Page 1, dated "Sunday, May 2008" (wow, and I opened it on Monday!):

Let this be the best year of your life through faith and prayer. God is ready to help you reach your dreams and goals.

People just like you are writing to this 57-year-old church, telling us of all types fo blessings since this church started praying with them...loved ones saved...better jobs, raises in salaries, being able to buy and sell homes, cars etc...

We believe that you are about to be blessed through this unusual, Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug which we are placing in your care for these next 24 important hours.

When you use this Faith Church Prayer Rug, go into a room where you can be alone (just God and you)...try to be by yourself when you kneel on this Holy Ghost, Bible Prayer Rug, or spread it over your knees. We want this Church Ministry, Prayer Rug to be touching both of your knees as you pray for the needs you are facing right now.

These next 24 important hours are crucial to you. Timing is important to God. After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug, or place it over your knees, place it in a Bible, on Philippians 4:19. (If you don't have a Bible, it's okay - just slide it under your side of the bed, for tonight, if you can.) Leave It There No Longer Than Tonight Only! God sees. Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing church Prayer Rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church's chapel prayer room, in faith...so we can rush it onto another family that's in need of a blessing.

Notice the face of Jesus on this Church Prayer Rug. When you first look you will notice that His eyes are closed. If you relax and continue looking straight into His eyes, you will see His eyes slowly opening, and He will begin looking back at you. [This is true--you can see it right away. The "open" eyes look a bit freaky]

Pray about sowing a seed gift to the Lord's work. Give God your best seed and believe Him for His best blessings. And say "Yes, I want one of those Deuteronomy 8:18 Prosperity Crosses, blessed for me by the church."

Signed:
Saint Matthew's Senior Bishop

ps. Read your faith, Holy Ghost instructions on the enclosed, sealed prophecy, only after you have mailed this Prayer Rug back to the church for your blessed Deuteronomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross.

Page 2 (do I really need to tell you what was on Page 2?)

Lots of stories of people being blessed with thousands of dollars and/or healings.

The Prophecy was totally vague, of course.

I'm contemplating mailing these goodies to the local investigative news station for their records. Obviously this letter finds all the highly suggestible people who will do exactly what they say. I'm sure they would be telling me to send money in the next letter.

Anyway, this was our entertainment for the night, though a bit of a bore to read about, I'm sure. It was kind of interesting to see the "subliminal messaging" (thought it was pretty obvious). I'm sad for the people who fall for it.

people with icons

2008-05-13T14:39:00.009-06:00

People with Icons

At baptism, Orthodox Christians take a saint's name. This saint becomes their patron saint. During morning prayers, we say "Saint ___, intercede to God for us."

The saints are depicted in icons--paintings--that line the walls of Orthodox churches, our homes (living room, bedrooms, kitchens), sometimes our desk at work, often in our cars and anyplace that is appropriate!

Here, you can share a portrait of yourself or someone else with their patron saint or another icon that is important to them!

Inspired by Women with Icons

As one member of this group has mentioned in comments, the process of taking the one picture is not to be taken lightly. It can, however, be very motivating and inspiring to have a specific occasion for which to ponder upon our relationship with Christ and His saints.

For moderation purposes, you have to be invited to join the group. If you're interested, we'll figure out a safe way for me to get your email so I can sen you an invite.

hell

2008-05-01T22:55:00.003-06:00

[Thanks to Matthew Gallatin's podcast "Judgment Day" and Fr Stephen Freeman's blog post "What Are You Waiting For?"]

Many think of horned demons in hell pushing people around with pitchforks. However, our sinful passions in this life will be our real tormentors in eternity, for we will be separated from our flesh which is able to feed them. Our souls will burn with insatiable desire and frustration because we will have all that we desire but no way to enjoy it.

Again, in the end will we all get what we have been waiting for and desire. Everyday I prioritize my desires and needs and schedule my day around them. Which of these are temporal and which are eternal? What will be left once I walk through the purifying fires and cross into eternity? I wonder if this is what the Lake of Fire is: God's presence. Some will enter it and
find themselves unscathed; others will survive, though greatly reduced; perhaps some will almost perish, but the purifying flames will compel them to repent; and others will be completely lost in the fire, for they will have committed their whole selves to to the world in sin and will have nothing left for eternity. Will they burn so completely that they cease to exist?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. Though I have done nothing good in Thy sight, yet grant me by Thy grace to make a good beginning! And grant me repentance before the end!

Martyr Petronia

2008-04-21T21:29:00.003-06:00

Just the other day I decided to do a thorough Google search on my patron saint, Marytr Petronia. There is very little information about her since she lived and died in the first century, as far as I can tell. I actually found three dates set aside for a St Petronia (Petronilla): Sept 29, May 31, and Oct 8. I don't know if there are three different St Petronia's or if the one is celebrated on different dates.

Interestingly, October 8 is Taisia's name day, our wedding day, and the name day of the priest who married us. I am, however, a little skeptical about this date because of the source where I found it.

In Rome St Petronilla (May 31) is very popular and her relics are even in St Peter's Basillica. There are several of legends attached to her, including that she is the "daughter" of Apostle Peter and that instead of dying a martyr she miraculously became deathly ill and died a virgin, thus avoiding unwanted marriage to a noble. Funny how the people prefer a romantic story to a martyr's crown.

As for September 29, I was able to find her listed on several Orthodox calendars and so I'm sure it is legit. I remembered that this date is around the time that I was baptized, about a week before our wedding (Oct 8). Out of curiosity I asked my mother in law to see if she could find the exact date on which I was baptized (b/c our dated photos are on a hard drive that died, and I didn't have a calendar to mark at that point). She found her day-timer for that year and wrote me back...I was baptized on September 29!

This is really exciting and affirming for me because although I have grown to love my name and have learned to pray to St Petronia, every so often a little doubt creeps in about the reality of her existence. Also, my original intent was to be named after Apostle Peter, so sometimes I wonder if I should consider him as my patron saint. Also, I have been baptized into the Russian Orthodox Church, and it is uncommon to pick a non-Russian name--and Petronia is about as uncommon as one can get (outside of Rome, apparently). So I've had all these little doubts, try as I have to squash them by trusting God's good will.

So yeah, having been unwittingly baptized on my name day makes it quite obvious that Martyr Petronia is praying for me and is meant to be my patron saint. Fits right in with the saying that the saints choose us. Glory to God!

a little story about St Ephraim

2008-04-19T21:57:00.000-06:00

At that time the venerable Ephraim decided to take up his dwelling in Edessa and prayed, "O Lord Jesus Christ, deem me worthy to behold Thy city, and as I enter it, send me someone with whom I can converse profitably about the Scriptures." Arriving at the gates of Edessa, he saw only a woman. The saint was disappointed and whispered, "Lord, Thou hast disdained Thy servant's prayer. Can a woman tell me anything I do not already know about Thy word?"

The woman stopped and stared at Ephraim, who asked her, "At what are you looking?"

"I am looking at you, because the first woman was made from a man's rib, but you should be looking at the ground, from which the first man was taken," she retorted. Ephraim marveled at the reply and praised God, Who had given the woman such wisdom. He realized that the Lord had answered his prayer, and he took up his abode in the city, where he dwelt for a long time.

I cracked up at her response. Then I marveled at his humility.

It is from the life of St Ephraim the Syrian.

Oprah has her own church, too?

2008-04-05T23:06:00.001-06:00

I received an email about this and found it interesting, though not very surprising:

On March 3, 2008, 300K people gathered for Oprah Winfrey’s Church. Now there are 2 million members.

Some of their teachings:

~ Denies Christ’s sacrificial death

~ There is no sin

~ There are millions of ways to ’salvation’

~ Christians are confused

~ Salvation comes from ’me’

~ Teaches the ’New Age Christ’

~ etc. etc.

This is interesting and noteworthy since I bet many faithful followers of Oprah probably thought she was a Christian. Truth is, she seems to "feel" a truth (watch the vid) that may acknowledge Christ, but only as a symbol. Keep in mind when watching that feelings are products of our rational mind; they do NOT represent reality and they are NOT the makings of our soul.

"From the words of Isaac the Syrian we see that what we call prelest proper exists when a man starts trying to live above his capabilities. Without having cleansed himself of passions, he strives for a life of contemplation and dreams of the delights of spiritual grace. Thus the wrath of God befalls a man; because he thinks too highly of himself, God’s grace is withdrawn from him and he falls under the influence of the evil one who actively begins to tickle his vainglory with lofty contemplation and [spiritual] delights..."

I agree with the electronic-sounding guy in the video--everybody, it is time to turn off the d@!$ television!!!

repentance opens up a new way...

2008-03-14T00:36:00.001-06:00

Prayers by the Lake, XVIII by St Nicholai of Ohrid and Zica

Repent of your ways, inhabitants of the earth. Behold, the eye of the Master of the world is keeping watch deep within you. Do not trust your seducible eyes, let the Eye illumine your way. Your eyes are curtains over the Eye of God.

Repentance is admission of the way of sin. Repentance opens up a new way. The penitent’s eyes are open to two ways: to the way which he is going, and to the way he should be going.

There are more who feel repentant than there are who turn their wheels onto a new way. I tell you: the penitent must have two types of courage--he must have the courage to weep over his old way, and he must have the courage to prepare himself for a new way.

What good is it for you to feel repentant and still tread the old way? How do you describe a person who is drowning and shouts for help, but when help arrives will not grab hold of the life line? I liken such a person to you.

Repent of your yearning for this world and all that is in this world. For this world is the graveyard of your ancestors, which is gaping and waiting for you. Just a little longer and you will be ancestors and will yearn to hear the word "repentance," but you will not hear it.

Just as the wind begins blowing and carries off the mist before the sun, so will death carry you off before the face of God.

Repentance rejuvenates the heart and lengthens one’s lifetime. The tears of a penitent wash darkness from his eyes, and give his eyes a childlike radiance. The eye of my lake is like the eye of a deer, always moist and radiant as a diamond. In truth, the moisture in the eyes drains the anger in the heart.

The soul in the penitent is like a new moon. A full moon must wane, a new moon must wax.

The penitent clears the weeds from the field of his soul, and the seed of goodness begins to grow.

Truly, the penitent is not one who laments over the evil deed he has committed, but one who laments over all the evil deeds that he is capable of committing. A wise landowner not only cuts the thornbush that has pricked him, but every thornbush on the field that is waiting to prick him.

O my Lord, make haste to show a new way to every penitent, after he scorns his old way.

O heavenly Mother, Bride of the All-Holy Spirit, bow down toward our heart, when we repent. Open the fountain of tears within us, that we may wash away the heavy clay, that saddens our eyes.

O All-Holy Spirit, blow and disperse the unclean stench from the soul of the penitent that has been choking him and lead him to repentance.

We bow down and beseech You, O Life-giving and Mighty Spirit!

Lenten prayer of St Ephraim the Syrian

2008-03-13T21:56:00.001-06:00

O Lord and Master of my life,
Take from me the spirit of sloth, despondency, lust of power, and idle talk.
But grant unto me, Thy servant, a spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love.
Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own faults and not to judge my brother,
For blessed art Thou unto the ages. Amen.

O God, cleanse me a sinner.

asking forgiveness

2008-03-09T21:19:00.003-06:00

Dear family and friends in Christ,

Today is Forgiveness Sunday, a day of preparation for our journey of repentance and struggle against the passions, or in other words, Great Lent. Today at church priests and laity alike prostrated ourselves before each other, one by one, repenting and asking for forgiveness. With our hope in the Bright Resurrection of our Lord, in unity we chose unconditional forgiveness and responded to each other "God forgives, and I forgive you."

To my loved ones, acquaintances and to readers just passing by, I ask you to please forgive me, a sinner, for any offense I my have committed against you, whether in knowledge or in ignorance, known or unknown, in word or deed.

To the Lord Jesus Christ, I pray for those who may have sinned against me: may nothing be held against them on my account, but may they be saved by Thy grace. Forgive us, O Lord, for all are the works of Thy hands. Show compassion on us, for Thou art good and the Lover of mankind.

Women with Icons

2008-03-07T00:30:00.002-07:00

I linked to this beautiful slide show from Martha's page. I just love it and hope you will all take a look. Women with Icons

demon hunters beware

2008-03-01T23:56:00.002-07:00

"You don't become holy by fighting evil. Let evil be. Look towards Christ and that will save you." -Fr Stephen

I remember my days of seeking out spiritual battles--taunting the demons, declaring holy war against them...wow. In the end, when my soul passes through the realm of kingdom of darkness with my 'third eye' wide open, we will see who is taunting who along the way to the Final Judgment. (Lord, grant me repentance before the end!)

The thing is that these battles with demons distract from what really matters: the battle within ourselves against our evil passions which pull us further and further away from who/what we are meant to be--holy images of our holy God. Instead of looking toward God in order to learn true love and humility, we are focusing on the evil which exists 'out there' as well as basically practicing pride and judgment to boot. The demons know this and revel in anything that hinders us from using this short life to find unity with God. If we want to fight demons for real, we must achieve real humility. They have no defense against a contrite heart...neither do our passions.

Maybe one could say that instead of hating evil, we should turn from it and love God and our neighbor? 'Cause it sure seems true that we become what we hate...I can't get these guys out of my mind.
Demon Hunter:
"Storm the Gates of Hell"
"Hell hath no fury at all"

as a little child

2008-02-15T14:11:00.004-07:00

"Let the little children come to Me,and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it"

It is necessary, however, to examine what is the meaning of being babes in wickedness, and how a man becomes so, while in mind a grown man. A babe then, as knowing either very little or nothing at all, is justly acquitted of the charge of depravity and wickedness; and so it is also our duty to endeavor to be like them in the very same way, by putting habits of wickedness entirely away from us, so we too may be regarded as men who do not even know the pathway leading to guile, but who, unconscious of malice and fraud, live in a simple manner, practicing gentleness and a priceless humility, and readily forbearing from wrath and spitefulness. For such we affirm are the qualities found in those who are still babes.
(St Cyril of Alexandria. Commentary on the Gospel of St. Luke, Homily #121.)

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Thy presence and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation and with Thy governing Spirit establish me." (Ps 50)

tax rebate

2008-02-13T14:52:00.005-07:00

I, for one, am looking forward to the $1500 I should be getting in the mail on top of my tax return (fingers crossed) this spring. It’s the tax rebate Bush is sending everyone, hoping we’ll go out and spend it in order to stimulate the economy.

"To pay for the rebates — which are estimated to cost about $117 billion over the next two years — the government will have to borrow more money, enlarging the budget deficit." (read this here.)

In other words, in order to stimulate the economy, the government will borrow $117 billion dollars from the Federal Reserve (which will simply print the money since this country does not have $117 billion), who in turn will charge interest on that money (because it’s a bank)--guess who gets to pay for the $117 billion plus interest over the next ***years? We do, with our tax money! Yay! I wonder how much I’ll end up paying for this ’gift’ of $1500?

I’m no economist, so I’m not trying to say that it won’t help the economy in the short term. But this shows the terrible state of our economy in general and the ridiculous way we do things. The real winners in this scheme are those who are a part of the Federal Reserve, aka Rockefellers et al...imagine how much they are making!

I found this quote today by Thomas Jefferson: "I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies." Funny thing is that we have both: a banking institution which owns our government and a standing army.

RON PAUL 2008!!! Here you can find some of his writings on the subject.

Here is a fantastic, informative video in whichG Edward Griffin explains the Federal Reserve’s who’s, what’s, when, where’s and why’s.

STILL IN THE RACE

2008-02-12T09:32:00.001-07:00

I guess I misunderstood the information...Ron Paul is marching forward!

Freakshow

2008-02-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

a song by Ani DiFranco [sorry Ani, had to edit a little]

Life in the circus ain't easy
But the folks on the outside don't know
The tent goes up and the tent comes down
And all that they see is the show
And the ladies on the horses look so pretty
And the lions are lookin real mad
And some of the clowns are happy
And some of the clowns are sad

But underneath
There's another expression
That the makeup isn't making
Life under the big top
It's about freedom
It's about faking
There's an art to the laughter
There's a science
And there's a lot of love
And compliance

Welcome to the freakshow
Here we go...

We live to hear the slack-jawed gasping
We live under a halo of held breath
And when the children raise up a giant shield of laughter
It's like they're fending off death
And we can make something bigger
Then anyone of us alone
And then the clowns will take off their makeup
And the people will go home

But life on the outside ain't easy
No sequins, no elephants,
No parading around
Yeah, the tent goes up
And the tent comes down
And they're stuck in this [stupid] town

You need a lot of love and compliance

Welcome to the freakshow
Here we go

Ron Paul is out

2008-02-08T23:56:00.000-07:00

"Of course, I am committed to fighting for our ideas within the Republican party, so there will be no third party run. I do not denigrate third parties -- just the opposite, and I have long worked to remove the ballot-access restrictions on them. But I am a Republican, and I will remain a Republican."

*sigh* That's part of letter I got in my email tonight. Such a bummer. Well, I hope this is just the beginning for our generation. Hopefully this spark will blaze into a fire over the next 4-8 yrs.

Well, it's Obama for me now. Any thoughts about his ideas on health care and education, No Child Left Behind in particular? And for health care, I'm not looking for socialized medicine, perse, but something drastic has got to happen.

RON PAUL 2008

2008-02-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone gets out to vote on Tuesday!!!

follow -up to my 'question for Christians'

2008-01-31T00:35:00.000-07:00

Let me explain where my previous, somewhat random post came from. The other night I was just reading through my journal and came across this short quote from one of Matthew Gallatin's podcasts. In this particular podcast he described how experiencing or walking with God can be compared to dancing with a partner. The question I posed on my last post is actually the question he had asked himself while still a western Christian: "If I ignore what I believe about my God and set aside everything that I feel about my God, what is left of my experience with God? And the answer was nothing." This felt relevant to where I've been spiritually lately. I also posted it as kind of a poll because I was curious to hear what it would bring to mind for others.

When I first heard Gallatin's question, it really hit home for me as I could totally relate to his question and his answer. In the times when I was unsure what belief was right and when I came down from spiritual highs, where did God go? How could I lose Him so easily and frequently? If we say that God can only be experienced through beliefs and feelings, are we not saying that He only exists in relation to our minds and "hearts"? (I say "heart" because feelings originate in the mind, our true heart is our nous.) Our relationship with God must include more than theology and 'lofty' thoughts and feelings. I believe that God, especially in Christ's incarnation, is concrete and can be experienced in very concrete ways. He is here, everywhere present and filling all things.

I mentioned that the whole reason I chose this quote is that it is relevant to where I've been spiritually lately. You see, I've noticed how, yet again, I've been turning off course in my spiritual life. I have been thinking plenty, my beliefs are as strong as ever, and I have even felt spiritually sentimental, but still these days I find that I am lacking a true experience with God. I see it in my behavior, in my internal life and in my relationships. The reason for the lack is that I have not been actively, intentionally participating in the life of God through the Holy Mysteries. It is through the Mysteries (there are more than seven, by the way) that we encounter God, and His powerful Presence changes us and makes us a little more like Him. Although these experiences rarely bring tears to my eyes nor am I usually filled with palpable joy, they are real and leave an impression on my soul, mind and body. Many people who are not part of the Orthodox faith still think that the Divine Mysteries (Sacraments) are evidence of a works-based salvation theology, but that is a misunderstanding. A life of holiness and participation in the Holy Mysteries are how we meet God in a concrete way and are thereby purified. Orthodox Christians follow this way to holiness so that we, His unprofitable servants, can, through God's great mercy, be fully united with Him in the end. Glory to God for all things.

I welcome comments, corrections, additions.

question for Christians

2008-01-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

If you ignore what you believe about your God and set everything aside that you feel about your God, what is left of your experience with Him?

CHRIST IS BORN!

2008-01-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

have I finally learned?

2007-12-26T21:43:00.001-07:00

Today I was on my way to volunteer at church when I suddenly had the urge for a plain soy steamer. I thought twice about stopping to get one since it is the fast and it is a good time to practice NOT giving into every urge for excess...but I decided to go ahead and get one. It's been a while, I told myself. So I stopped at the drive-thru Starbucks and got into the middle of a long-ish line that was going to make me late to relieve the lady before me at church. Already I felt bad about it. Then I ordered and was told that it'd be $2.70 for a tall soy steamed milk, no flavor. That's almost $3 for 12 oz of plain soy milk! I would've questioned it, but the guy had already double checked the price. From the moment I ordered it until after drinking the last drop, I was bummed I actually paid for it. My 12 oz was more than enough to buy a whole box of soy milk at any store--what a profit margin! I don't know why it hit me today; it's not like it's the first time (!) I've been to Starbucks and that's what I usually order. I like the convenience and something about buying the drink makes it taste better...but man, what a waste of money! I won't say that I won't go there any more, but I will think twice and then once more before I hand over the cash!

Christmas memories

2007-12-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

Here I sit at my computer on the 24th of December. I just came back from exercising in our very empty little gym, and now my husband is taking his turn while our darling girl sleeps. Earlier we realized that we were almost completely out of food so we made a run to the local Sunflower Market, only to find that we had less than 30 minutes to do our shopping since they were closing early today...oh yeah, it's the 24th. I kind of felt guilty for bringing a loaded cart to the check out. The poor lady was obviously anxious to get out of there and get on with Christmas. On our drive home I imagined the people in the many churches we passed singing Christmas carols with candles in their hands...

I always liked Christmas eve. It was a quiet, gentle build up to bright Christmas day. Our usual custom, and my favorite, was to attend a church service in the evening. The church for this special night was not always our usual church; we'd often find a different one that was offering some kind of special Christmas eve service, particularly one with more music than talking (at least that's what I preferred). Once or twice (or more?) we did mix it up a bit. I remember one year we went to the foothills to look at a frozen Seven Falls (waterfall) lit up with green and red lights.

Once we got home from our outing, we'd make sure to turn down the house lights and plug in the tree lights. Then mom and dad would give us each one gift to open before bed...new matching pajamas. That was a fun idea because new pajamas are always nice and then we'd all match in the morning for pictures :) After that we were supposed to head to bed. When I was quite a bit younger, I loved to lay next to the lit tree after everyone else was in bed. Sometimes I'd think, sometimes I'd just rest, and sometimes I'd softly sing Christmas carols. Christmas was always an enchanting holiday for me.

In the morning my parents almost always managed to be awake before my brother and myself...although, I can remember a time or two when they had not yet hung the stockings. "Go back downstairs or something! Don't come up until we call you!" Usually though, we'd come up to very full stockings, hot egg nog or cider, a plate of fruit and something special like pastries. Mom would start the instrumental Christmas music, and we (younger brother and myself) would wait a few minutes for the older siblings to get up, namely our sister :) Did I mention that this was at 5 or 6 in the morning? I don't have to tell you, I'm sure, that if she didn't hop to it, we'd hop onto her!

The rest of the morning was stockings then the present exchange. Our tree was always loaded with presents. Lots and lots of presents! We'd each draw a name for one big present and then give a little something to everyone else (we all scaled back as we got older), but "Santa" and mom and dad would give us each several great presents. Eventually we'd all get dressed and then, in the earlier years, we'd go visit Grandpa and Grandma at their house. (Am I remembering this right?) One thing that sticks out to me is that after the explosion of presents, the rest of the day looked a bit boring and I always wished that the mall was open so that I could go redeem my gift certificates.

As for Santa, I cannot remember having any sort of belief in him. I think the reason is that my parents never really enforced the idea, although some presents were from "Santa" (in dad's distinctive hand-writing) and the stockings were supposed to be full when we got up. I can remember going to the malls and asking how would it be possible for Santa to be in different malls all over town and look different himself in each place. My parents assured me that these guys weren't the real Santa, just fill-ins. Later on in elementary school the kids were debating about some video one girl's parents caught of the real Santa Clause in their house. I knew it was a big piece of bologne...mostly. When I asked my parents to clarify, they finally made it clear to me that he in fact did not exist and that I didn't have to second-guess myself any longer. Whew!

The most important, and most fun, tradition, though, was being together as a family. Sitting together for a significant amount of time, reconnecting, laughing a lot, and generally enjoying one another. As we got older there were fewer (b/c more expensive!) presents, but the charm was still there because we were all together.

Then we hit a hard year where 3 of the 4 kids were out of the house and our parents divorced. It was a lot of change and a lot of emotion. That year we managed to have a Christmas that resembled what we had shared all those years, but it was not the same. From what I can remember that was the last one of its kind. Particularly due to the dramatic break in our family, the other traditions crumbled in my mind and I lost almost all interest in Christmas.
-----------
I am going to go off on a 'bunny trail' for a moment. What I've just realized as I've been writing is that in my mind I keep thinking "Christmas is about being together as a family." When the core family element wasn't there, Christmas lost all its meaning and purpose for me. I have felt: now that I have my own little family, I have a chance to begin anew and perhaps Christmas will again find a special place. This is an interesting self-discovery, if I do say so myself, because Christmas is NOT about family. It is not even about traditions. It is about the Nativity of Christ, the Son of God born to die in order to defeat death by death. Family and community of any kind is always very important, and it is particularly special to celebrate together. However, no matter who is (or is not) around, my heart should be focused on the anticipation of the Christ child. I should 'despise' anything else that distracts me from Him and the amazing act of Christ's incarnation.
-----------
All in all, the happy memories of childhood Christmases will always be with me, and I am grateful to even have had any! Each year I look forward to seeing my family, whether mostly all together or here and there, and I am happy for the special times my daughter will share (Lord willing) with her cousins during the happy festivities.

Now I am Orthodox, a new person emotionally and spiritually, and I see with a completely new set of eyes (now I have 3!--lol). I am learning a completely new approach to, well, everything! including holidays. I prepare for them in a different way, celebrate on a different day and in a different way. Family is still very important. Tradition is still very important. I will be pleased if there are similarities in what we do in the future to what I remember from my childhood. But the most important thing is that everything together points to God's work in the incarnation, the cross and resurrection and brings glory and praises of thanksgiving to God.

As for the Feast of the Nativity in particular, I am excited to establish family traditions that will help my daughter understand and experience the profundity, beauty and simplicity of the feast. If I try to see things through her eyes in this way, maybe I'll have a chance at grasping the true meaning of Christ's nativity.

St Nikolai Velimirovic of Zicha

2007-12-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

Icons Will Save the World

2007-12-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Icons Will Save the World by Susan Cushman

Standing before the icon of Christ in the front of St. John Orthodox Church, I prepare to offer my confession at the Sacrament of Forgiveness. The Holy image of the One Who Forgives comes forth to meet me, as the father comes forth to welcome home the prodigal son in the familiar gospel passage (Luke 15:11–32). The love of Jesus pours forth from his prototype (the icon), sees the offering of my broken heart, and raises it to the heavenly realm.

This is a very beautiful, well-written article on icons. Please, please read it.

I'm sorry I haven't been original in a while. I will write something myself soon, I promise. But please read this article and tell me your thoughts/reactions.

Thanks to Fr Stephen for pointing to this article on his blog.

St Nicholas, pray to God for us!

2007-12-18T23:33:00.001-07:00

Commemorated on December 6 (Dec 19, old style)

Saint Nicholas, the Wonderworker, Archbishop of Myra in Lycia is famed as a great saint pleasing unto God. He was born in the city of Patara in the region of Lycia (on the south coast of the Asia Minor peninsula), and was the only son of pious parents Theophanes and Nonna, who had vowed to dedicate him to God.

As the fruit of the prayer of his childless parents, the infant Nicholas from the very day of his birth revealed to people the light of his future glory as a wonderworker. His mother, Nonna, after giving birth was immediately healed from illness. The newborn infant, while still in the baptismal font, stood on his feet three hours, without support from anyone, thereby honoring the Most Holy Trinity. St Nicholas from his infancy began a life of fasting, and on Wednesdays and Fridays he would not accept milk from his mother until after his parents had finished their evening prayers.

From his childhood Nicholas thrived on the study of Divine Scripture; by day he would not leave church, and by night he prayed and read books, making himself a worthy dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. Bishop Nicholas of Patara rejoiced at the spiritual success and deep piety of his nephew. He ordained him a reader, and then elevated Nicholas to the priesthood, making him his assistant and entrusting him to instruct the flock.

In serving the Lord the youth was fervent of spirit, and in his proficiency with questions of faith he was like an Elder, who aroused the wonder and deep respect of believers. Constantly at work and vivacious, in unceasing prayer, the priest Nicholas displayed great kind-heartedness towards the flock, and towards the afflicted who came to him for help, and he distributed all his inheritance to the poor.

There was a certain formerly rich inhabitant of Patara, whom St Nicholas saved from great sin. The man had three grown daughters, and in desparation he planned to sell their bodies so they would have money for food. The saint, learning of the man's poverty and of his wicked intention, secretly visited him one night and threw a sack of gold through the window. With the money the man arranged an honorable marriage for his daughter. St Nicholas also provided gold for the other daughters, thereby saving the family from falling into spiritual destruction. In bestowing charity, St Nicholas always strove to do this secretly and to conceal his good deeds.

The Bishop of Patara decided to go on pilgrimage to the holy places at Jerusalem, and entrusted the guidance of his flock to St Nicholas, who fulfilled this obedience carefully and with love. When the bishop returned, Nicholas asked his blessing for a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. Along the way the saint predicted a storm would arise and threaten the ship. St Nicholas saw the devil get on the ship, intending to sink it and kill all the passengers. At the entreaty of the despairing pilgrims, he calmed the waves of the sea by his prayers. Through his prayer a certain sailor of the ship, who had fallen from the mast and was mortally injured was also restored to health.

When he reached the ancient city of Jerusalem and came to Golgotha, St Nicholas gave thanks to the Savior. He went to all the holy places, worshiping at each one. One night on Mount Sion, the closed doors of the church opened by themselves for the great pilgrim. Going round the holy places connected with the earthly service of the Son of God, St Nicholas decided to withdraw into the desert, but he was stopped by a divine voice urging him to return to his native country. He returned to Lycia, and yearning for a life of quietude, the saint entered into the brotherhood of a monastery named Holy Sion, which had been founded by his uncle. But the Lord again indicated another path for him, "Nicholas, this is not the vineyard where you shall bear fruit for Me. Return to the world, and glorify My Name there." So he left Patara and went to Myra in Lycia.

Upon the death of Archbishop John, Nicholas was chosen as Bishop of Myra after one of the bishops of the Council said that a new archbishop should be revealed by God, not chosen by men. One of the elder bishops had a vision of a radiant Man, Who told him that the one who came to the church that night and was first to enter should be made archbishop. He would be named Nicholas. The bishop went to the church at night to await Nicholas. The saint, always the first to arrive at church, was stopped by the bishop. "What is your name, child?" he asked. God's chosen one replied, "My name is Nicholas, Master, and I am your servant."

After his consecration as archbishop, St Nicholas remained a great ascetic, appearing to his flock as an image of gentleness, kindness and love for people. This was particularly precious for the Lycian Church during the persecution of Christians under the emperor Diocletian (284-305). Bishop Nicholas, locked up in prison together with other Christians for refusing to worship idols, sustained them and exhorted them to endure the fetters, punishment and torture. The Lord preserved him unharmed. Upon the accession of St Constantine (May 21) as emperor, St Nicholas was restored to his flock, which joyfully received their guide and intercessor.

Despite his great gentleness of spirit and purity of heart, St Nicholas was a zealous and ardent warrior of the Church of Christ. Fighting evil spirits, the saint made the rounds of the pagan temples and shrines in the city of Myra and its surroundings, shattering the idols and turning the temples to dust.

In the year 325 St Nicholas was a participant in the First Ecumenical Council. This Council proclaimed the Nicean Symbol of Faith, and he stood up against the heretic Arius with the likes of Sts Sylvester the Bishop of Rome (January 2), Alexander of Alexandria (May 29), Spyridon of Trimythontos (December 12) and other Fathers of the Council.

St Nicholas, fired with zeal for the Lord, assailed the heretic Arius with his words, and also struck him upon the face. For this reason, he was deprived of the emblems of his episcopal rank and placed under guard. But several of the holy Fathers had the same vision, seeing the Lord Himself and the Mother of God returning to him the Gospel and omophorion. The Fathers of the Council agreed that the audacity of the saint was pleasing to God, and restored the saint to the office of bishop.

Having returned to his own diocese, the saint brought it peace and blessings, sowing the word of Truth, uprooting heresy, nourishing his flock with sound doctrine, and also providing food for their bodies.

He worked many miracles, and struggled many long years at his labor. Through the prayers of the saint, the city of Myra was rescued from a terrible famine. He appeared to a certain Italian merchant and left him three gold pieces as a pledge of payment. He requested him to sail to Myra and deliver grain there. More than once, the saint saved those drowning in the sea, and provided release from captivity and imprisonment.

Having reached old age, St Nicholas peacefully fell asleep in the Lord. His venerable relics were preserved incorrupt in the local cathedral church and flowed with curative myrrh, from which many received healing. In the year 1087, his relics were transferred to the Italian city of Bari, where they rest even now (See May 9).

St Nicholas is also commemorated on May 9 (The transfer of his relics) and on July 29 (his nativity).

(taken from the OCA site)

the face of Santa

2007-12-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

I had a laugh with this one over on the Orthodixie blog. Funny and true :)

Interview with Father Jonah

2007-12-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

A while back I heard a great interview on Our Life in Christ with Father Jonah, abbot of the Monastery of St. John of San Fransisco in which Father Jonah spoke about the Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner." I still find myself contemplating all that he said. So much was made (more) clear to me.

One thing I specifically found enlightening was when he clarified that in this prayer we are asking more than for clemency--we are asking for God to re-affirm his activity and presence in the world and in me, a sinner. Another way to say it is "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, anoint me, a sinner, with your Presence." Here we humbly call upon Christ's self-offering of love.

Also, one of the most important things to realize, he mentioned, is that the purest prayer is free of images, concepts, sounds, emotions...anything that comes from our imagination. "Orthodoxy is stone-cold sober." He said that our emotions actually are not the same thing as our heart. Deep in our heart is the perception of God and it is here where noetic prayer dwells. Our emotions, on the other hand, are products of our rational consciousness which is where data processing and perception of our senses occurs.

But since we often equate our emotions with our heart, and since most of us are tainted with delusional ego-centrism, we tend to mistake thoughts, images and emotions for the will of God. This really struck me...it explains why the emotional praise songs, pentecostal-type gatherings, 'God literally spoke to me' bits feel more and more unreal or just off to me. The next thing he said I have quoted before: "Thoughts are a self-constructed reality that we function within; we mistake our thoughts for reality." This goes even deeper and into my every day life. "Return to the humility of God." In other words, return to humility. A humble heart can see things for what they are, can love purely, and can pray without an agenda.

This review is sorely lacking the depth and breadth of all Father Jonah offered in the interview. You can listen to it in the archives at ourlifeinchrist.com. Look for April 2007, Father Jonah, and The Jesus Prayer and the Healing of the Human Person.

Some call him a dreamer...

2007-12-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

Actually lots of people do, from what I've read. A lot of those same people like him but consider his chances low, and therefore he is dreaming if he thinks he has a chance. Honestly, this perspective is very troubling to me. If people don't vote for who they like and instead vote for who they think will win (aka, those with the money to sway media)...what kind of democracy are we living in (Patriot Act aside)? We have some even darker days ahead in this nation if this is how we continue to vote.

Please watch some of Kucinich's responses at the democratic debate on 11/15/07. It gives a slight overview of his stance on different issues.

take another look at Putin

2007-11-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

Kucinich hopes America will take a new direction

2007-11-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Kucinich hopes America will take a new direction
By GARRY RAYNO
New Hampshire Union Leader Staff
http://www.unionleader.com/pda-article.aspx?articleId=cb905e6f-45fe-47d5-b894-3b1ff1a873ad

MANCHESTER – The United States' role in the world is the key question facing Americans as they prepare to vote for the next President, says Democratic presidential contender Dennis Kucinich.

"The new model for the paradigm is cooperation, not aggression," the Ohio congressman said. "I want to start calling America home over a period of time in cooperation with other nations."

Although he declined to say what overseas bases he would close first, Kucinich, 61, said the closure plan would be done in consultation with military leaders and discussions with the countries where the bases are located.

With technology today, he said, there is no reason to have military bases in far-flung corners of the world. "I want to see America take a different role," he said.

He would like to see the U.S. work with Russian president Vladimir Putin to dismantle nuclear arsenals and to help the Russians destroy their chemical and other weapons instead of encouraging revolts by the countries along Russia's southern border.

"America works best when it works from (a platform) of moral credibility," Kucinich said. "When we act like 'do as I say, not as I do,' we undermine our credibility."

He said he would not be a pushover with other countries. "I'm a street kid out of Cleveland, but I don't mistake strength as just having weapons," he said.

Kucinich, who is making his second run for the Democratic presidential nomination, has consistently opposed the Iraq War and has made that opposition the centerpiece of his campaign, whose theme is "strength through peace."

In meeting with editors at the New Hampshire Union Leader this week, Kucinich, who is serving his sixth term in the U.S. House, emphasized his proposal for universal health care with a single-payer system. He says his plan is "Medicare for everyone."

"Health care I see as a basic right, not as a privilege based on ability to pay," he said. The costs of premiums, co-pays and deductibles have put health care out of reach for millions of Americans, not just the uninsured, he said.

The country currently pays $2.3 trillion for health care and that should be enough to provide health care to all Americans, just as other industrialized countries do for their citizens, Kucinich said.

He wants to eliminate the profits and administrative costs insurance companies add to the health cost picture. He said administrative costs should be in line with Medicare, 3 percent.

Kucinich also wants to be able to negotiate with the drug companies to reduce the cost of pharmaceuticals, which the Veterans Administration does not, but he notes negotiations were forbidden under the Medicare Part D subscription drug program.

"I want to revitalized American industry and if we can't change health then it can't be done," Kucinich said.

People are more receptive to his message about universal health care this time, he said, because people are in "real financial trouble." He said New Hampshire and its grass roots tradition is the place for him to make his case.

All the other Democratic candidates for President are capitulating to the insurance industry, he said. He admitted his proposal would never make it through the current Congress and said that is why he would take his plan directly to the American people.

He said he is truly the only Democratic presidential candidate not indebted to the special interests. "There is a real choice (among candidates) if voters decide health care is essential in their lives," Kucinich said.

Asked if government should also guarantee citizens food, clothes, shelter and a job, Kucinich said no one should starve today in this country. He said government should ensure there is full employment, which is not the case now.

"Government has the responsibility of being the employer of last resort, particularly when the private sector keeps cutting jobs," Kucinich said. Government can make sure the mechanisms are there, he said.

But he noted, "Government can't do everything in society, I understand that. ... I don't look at government as Big Daddy, and I certainly don't want government to be Big Brother, either."

Kucinich garnered attention for introducing an impeachment resolution against Vice President Dick Cheney. Recently he said he will expand another resolution to include the impeachment of President Bush.

He maintains the administration has lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq and has trampled on the constitutional rights and civil liberties of the American people.

church and state: marriage etc

2007-11-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

Over turkey and wine tonight the men had a discussion about same-sex marriage and legislation on ethical issues. I really don't want to try to recreate the conversation here, but in the course of the discussion it was said that one cannot legislate morality (or something to that effect)--we cannot build the kingdom of God through government, which I completely agree with. I later made a remark concerning whether it is harmful/wrong from a Christian perspective for society to recognize homosexual unions/marriages; I said that many Orthodox believe that since marriage outside of the Church is not recognized by God anyway, perhaps it is not such a big issue. I have been thinking about what I said and feel a bit uncomfortable with it. I definitely delved into a more controversial waters, so I decided to find some official statements from the Orthodox Church about it (this means a long post with lots of quotes...but they're pretty good, I think!) I am still learning a lot and don't want to make false or misleading statements.

So the first thing I found was this article on the Russian Orthodox Church Abroad's (ROCOR) stance on same-sex marriage, in which they clearly define marriage.

On Same Sex Unions (Epistle of the ROCOR W. Diocese 2004):

Holy Matrimony consists of the union of two persons into one, through the union of their souls and bodies, through mutual submission and obedience, and, most importantly, through the action of God's grace. It is a holy mystery, a sacrament, an avenue of the Grace of God given to us not for the indulgence of our passions, but for the working out of our salvation. For this reason, it cannot be merely a social or civil contract entered into by two persons. Marriage is the God-ordained union of a man and a woman, for the purpose of creating a home, a "little Church," in which the couple, and the children which are their progeny (being the product of the physical affection for one another), are able to work out their salvation. Marriage is a sacrament that is not created by the husband and wife out of their love for one another, or by their pledge of loyalty and mutual submission to one another; marriage is a mystery bestowed by God through the action of the Church upon those who are made one thereby. The estate of marriage cannot be established by human action alone: it must be bestowed by God alone. Nor can this (or any) grace be bestowed by the state, for it is the gift of God given within the confines of, and subject to the discipline of, the Holy Mother Church. Although the state chooses to recognize this union as beneficial to the stability of society, and so bestows certain benefits under law through licensure of this action, marriage is not now, nor has it ever been, an action of the state. The sacrament of Marriage is a divine action subject only to the grace and will of God, which is expressed in the unbroken and pure tradition of the Orthodox Church.

...The decision by a state to extend the provisions of law covering civil marriage to include same-sex unions is irrelevant in God's eyes. Within the Church, the mystery of Holy Matrimony is not a right; it is a calling, intended by God for a specific purpose, and not merely the fulfilling of earthly lusts, or the comfort of a life shared together.

...We affirm that the sacrament of marriage is only obtained from God and within the confines of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. We affirm that this marriage is limited to the union of one man and one woman and that the conception, bearing and rearing of children is a normal and desired part of the marital union. We affirm that any other "marital" relationship, even though it may bear the sanction of the state or the society at large, cannot be considered marriage and that it is sinful and creates a barrier between God and man and frustrates the purpose of man to enter into union with God.

I also found a fantastic reference guide for the Russian Orthodox Church's role within society and her interactions with the government. This is taken from the section "Personal, Family and Public Morality" where I found a little more on marriage. In particular, I had in mind the idea of the marriage needing to be within (the blessing) of the Church. This is where I show my nerdy side. Hang in there.

Bases of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church:

In the period of the Christianization of the Roman Empire, marriage continued to be validated by civil registration. Consecrating matrimonial unions by prayer and blessing, the Church still recognized a common-law marriage as valid in cases where the church marriage was impossible and did not subject the spouses thus married to canonical prohibitions. Today the Russian Orthodox Church upholds the same practice. In doing so, she cannot approve and bless the matrimonial unions which, while being concluded in accordance with the existing law, violate the canonical prescriptions, such as a fourth and subsequent marriages, marriages in the inadmissible degrees of blood or spiritual affinity.

In accordance with ancient canonical prescriptions, today, too, the Church does not sanctify marriages contracted between the Orthodox and non-Christians, while recognizing them as lawful and not regarding those who live in such a marriage as living in sinful co-habitation. Proceeding from considerations of pastoral oikonomia, the Russian Orthodox Church has deemed it possible, both in the past and present, to celebrate marriages between Orthodox Christians and Catholics, members of the Oriental Churches and Protestants who confess the faith in the Triune God, provided the marriage is blessed in the Orthodox Church and the children are raised in the Orthodox faith. Most of the Orthodox Churches have followed the same practice for the past centuries.

From the same source I found the following quote to be helpful as I try to solidify the Church's stance in situations such as the legalization of same-sex unions or marriages in our secular society. Of course the Orthodox strongly believe that homosexuality is not natural to human nature and, to say the least, should not be encouraged. But what is the Church's role?

The religio-ideological neutrality of the state does not contradict the Christian idea of the Church's calling in society. The Church, however, should point out to the state that it is inadmissible to propagate such convictions or actions which may result in total control over a person's life, convictions and relations with other people, as well as erosion in personal, family or public morality, insult of religious feelings, damage to the cultural and spiritual identity of the people and threats to the sacred gift of life...

III. 7. The form and methods of government is conditioned in many ways by the spiritual and moral condition of society. Aware of this, the Church accepts the people's choice or does not resist it at least.

...Any change in the form of government to that more religiously rooted, introduced without spiritualising society itself, will inevitably degenerate into falsehood and hypocrisy and make this form weak and valueless in the eyes of the people. However, one cannot altogether exclude the possibility of such a spiritual revival of society as to make natural a religiously higher form of government. But under slavery one should follow St. Paul advice: «if thou mayest be free, use it rather» (1 Cor. 7:21). At the same time, the Church should give more attention not to the system of the outer organization of state, but to the inner condition of her members' hearts. Therefore, the Church does not believe it possible for her to become an initiator of any change in the form of government. Along the same line, the 1994 Bishops' Council of the Russian Orthodox Church stressed the soundness of the attitude whereby «the Church does not give preference to any social system or any of the existing political doctrines».

It seems to me that the Church's role, as one in the world but not of it, is to act as society's conscience. My conscience speaks to me regularly; sometimes I listen and avoid moral catastrophe, but I also often ignore my conscience and suffer the consequences (spiritual if nothing else). The more I listen, the more a holy attitude develops...and that leads to me accepting more and more of the Holy Spirit's proddings which leads to an even holier life. And then the opposite also happens, and I walk myself toward perdition--my conscience (Holy Spirit) never strong-arms me and MAKES me listen and obey. As for the same-sex marriage issue, now I think that the Church would never just say "Ach, not in the Church so it doesn't matter!"(in fact, the above article is just the opposite). If for no one else, engaging in homosexual lifestyle is destructive for the two souls involved, and God wishes all to be healed and made whole. For the Church to remain aloof and silent would imply consent, or worse, a lack of love. I do understand that it is a complicated matter on some fronts which is why some Christians are supportive of "unions" (not necessarily "marriage")--like in matters of the person's will (the document) and so forth. My assumption until I ask my priest more details is that the Church will not officially support any such measures.

Now, if you are interested, here are a couple more quotes that I found interesting even though I don't have anything in particular to say about them at the moment:

IV. 2. The law is called to manifest the one divine law of the universe in social and political realms. At the same time, any legal system developed by the human community, being as it is a fruit of historical development, carries a seal of limitation and imperfection. Law is a special realm, different from the related ethical realm, as it does not qualify the inner conditions of the human heart, since God alone is its Reader.

Yet it is human behaviour and actions that is the subject of the legal regulation, which is the essence of legislation. The law also provides for coercive measures for making people obey it. The legislative sanctions to restore the trampled law and order make law a reliable clamp of society unless, as it has often happened in history, the whole system of the enforced law capsizes. However, as no human community can exist without law, a new legislative system always emerges in place of the destroyed law and order.

The law contains a certain minimum of moral standards compulsory for all members of society. The secular law has as its task not to turn the world lying in evil into the Kingdom of God, but to prevent it from turning into hell. The fundamental principle of law is: «do not do to others what you would not want to be done to yourself». If a person has committed a sinful action against another, the damage inflicted on the integrity of the divine law and order can be made up by the suffering of the offender or pardon whereby the moral consequences of a sinful action is assumed by the person (ruler, spiritual father, community, etc.) who issues pardon. Suffering heals the soul affected by sin, while the voluntary suffering of the innocent for the sins of a criminal represents the highest form of redemption the ultimate of which is the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Who took upon Himself the sin of the world (Jn 1:29).

Thanks for reading. Happy Thanksgiving!

my life is pretty darn good

2007-11-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

My husband and I periodically talk about how things on earth will progressively get worse, especially for those trying to live out the true Christian faith, as time marches on toward the Christ's return and the Final Judgment. And with members of my husband's (living) family having had experienced Stalin's Siberian work camps, the reality of tragedy and hardship is not as far off as it once seemed. A tragic turn in life isn't that unlikely. One can never be prepared for those times, but I also don't want to be completely surprised when/if my life doesn't turn out as dandy as I expected. For some reason I have been particularly aware of that lately. It is such a gift because I am beginning to find more joy in living and more thankfulness.

Today I was sitting on the grass under a beautiful blue sky, watching my daughter quietly and very attentively pile the fallen leaves first between her little legs, then to the side, only to be flattened and scattered as she crawled over it. I suddenly felt completely content with the moment and with my life in general. Glory to God! So many people in the world have never experienced such a nice moment, and likely never will. In no way do I deserve a nice, comfortable life...it is not a basic human right, and one cannot earn it from being good or spiritual or smart. For some reason, so far, God has granted me and my family a beautiful, easy life. I certainly am glad for that! But these days I am also trying to keep in mind that it can all change in a second, and that makes me more thankful for what I have now.

When/If things change and I experience a tragedy or major difficulty, I hope that I will keep in mind that I deserve nothing and will be thankful in everything. Probably one of the most important things I have learned from Orthodoxy is that everything in life happens at God's command/allowance and that the whole purpose of life is to move into unity with Him, which is to become holy, which is ultimately salvation. He structures my life to lead me on the "easiest" path (for me) to salvation. To God it doesn't particularly matter if I am rich or poor, sick or healthy, die tragically or gently. All that matters is that in the end He can say to me, "I know you, and you know Me". As I wrote in a previous post: I am thankful for my very comfortable life, but I need to learn to hold in my heart the understanding that it would be better for Him to take everything away than for me to perish with my earthly treasure. Absolutely everything that happens to me is salvific and chance to develop new virtues.

All to say, I am so thankful to God for my wonderful life, and I can only hope to learn real trust in God and develop an attitude of thankfulness and humility in all situations.

Glory to God for all things. His mercy endures forever!

Christ's descent into Hades

2007-10-31T23:50:00.000-06:00

Ok, bear with me people. I have a lot I want to share, but not exactly sure how I'm going to put it. Forgive me if I am all over the place with it.

This is the first I have learned about the Orthodox (and Western, for that matter) beliefs on what it meant when Christ conquered hell--more precisely it is the first I have thought about it as an actual event rather than a concept.

This is taken from a lecture of Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev entitled Christ the Conqueror of Hell: The Descent of Christ into Hades in Eastern and Western Theological Traditions

In his ‘Festive Letters’, Cyril of Alexandria elaborates on the theme of the preaching of Christ in Hades...

Cyril emphasizes the universality of the salvation given by Christ to humanity, perceiving the descent of Christ into Hades as salvific for the entire human race. He is not inclined to limit salvation to a particular part of humanity, such as the Old Testament righteous. Salvation is likened to rain sent by God on both the just and the unjust[23]....The descent of Christ into Hades, according to Cyril’s teaching, signified victory over that which previously appeared unconquerable and ensured the salvation of all humanity:

Death unwilling to be defeated is defeated; corruption is transformed; unconquerable passion is destroyed. While hell, diseased with excessive insatiability and never satisfied with the dead, is taught, even if against its will, that which it could not learn previously. For it not only ceases to claim those who are still to fall [in the future], but also lets free those already captured, being subjected to splendid devastation by the power of our Saviour... Having preached to the spirits in hell, once disobedient, He came out as conqueror by resurrecting His temple like a beginning of our hope and by showing to [our] nature the manner of the raising from the dead, and giving us along with it other blessings as well[25].

And...

In John Damascene we find lines which sum up the development of the theme of the descent of Christ into Hades in Eastern patristic writings of the 2nd¾8th centuries:

The soul [of Christ] when it is deified descended into Hades, in order that, just as the Sun of Righteousness rose for those upon the earth, so likewise He might bring light[28] to those who sit under the earth in darkness and the shadow of death: in order that just as he brought the message of peace to those upon the earth, and of release to the prisoners, and of sight to the blind[29], and became to those who believed the Author of everlasting salvation and to those who did not believe, a denunciation of their unbelief, so He might become the same to those in Hades: That every knee should bow to Him, of things in heaven, and things in earth and things under the earth[30]. And thus after He had freed those who has been bound for ages, straightway He rose again from the dead, showing us the way of resurrection[31].

According to John Damascene, Christ preached to all those who were in hell, but His preaching did not prove salutary for all, as not all were capable of responding to it. For some it could become only ‘a denunciation of their disbelief’, not the cause of salvation. In this judgement, Damascene actually repeats the teaching on salvation articulated not long before him by Maximus the Confessor. According to Maximus, human history will be accomplished when all without exception will unite with God and God will become ‘all in all’[32]. For some, however, this unity will mean eternal bliss, while for others it will become the source of suffering and torment, as each will be united with God ‘according to the quality of his disposition’ towards God[33]. In other words, all will be united with God, but each will have his own, subjective, feeling of this unity, according to the measure of the closeness to God he has achieved. Along a similar line, John Damascene understands also the teaching on the descent to Hades: Christ opens the way to paradise to all and calls all to salvation, but the response to Christ’s call may lie in either consent to follow Him or voluntary rejection of salvation. Ultimately it depends on a person, on his free choice. God does not save anybody by force, but calls everybody to salvation: ‘Behold, I stand at the door, and knock; if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him’[34]. God knocks at the door of the human heart rather than breaks into it.

A couple days after reading the above, I listened to Matthew Gallatin's The Sacraments. My mind was still mulling over the above text, and in the middle of the podcast I had an "Ah hah!" moment (but not as cheesy as Oprah's). In his concise, slow manner, Gallatin helped me grasp the basics of what I had just read.

He starts the podcast off with explaining that sacraments do not make us acceptable to God nor do they reconcile us to Him. Rather, it is in the sacraments that we run to God. From there he takes a moment to clarify: "We do not require reconciliation with God because He is angry with us and can have nothing to do with us until He is appeased for the sins we have committed against Him. God is not anger. God is love." Rather, reconciliation is required because we, through Adam and Eve, have plunged into death and separation from God.

God so longs to be united with us that He followed us into death by taking on our humanity. But death could not withstand His presence and it was destroyed. Now our humanity has been united with the divine. "So now we are no longer creatures who by nature die...Now we stand completely reconciled before God," says Gallatin. Furthermore, as I read in the Bishop's lecture and heard from Gallatin, God has reconciled the whole world to Himself--not just a select few or just those who have faith. We are all standing before God right now; we are either reaching out to embrace Him or we are turning our backs to Him, either in direct rejection of Him or simply because we are distracted by the world. I remember those tracts I was supposed to hand out to my middle school friends: they had a picture of a little kid standing on one cliff, the word GOD on the other cliff, and a cross spanning the abyss between them. Usually there were words or something to represent "Heaven" and "Hell" as well: "Which side do you think you're on right now?" "Where do you think you will be after death?" (I did this routine once. I was so shy and embarrassed about it, but I did it to be a good Christian. Although I knew she had no religious background whatsoever, the girl pointed to the side with God/Heaven/Happiness. "No, really, which side?" So much for that!) This is a false portrayal of where she stands before God. Although visual representations of stuff like this are usually avoided in Orthodoxy, I would put her, me and God on the same side. We both have the choice to either embrace God or turn around and walk off the cliff. We are reconciled and must now decide if we will run to Him and show love to Him, or if we will "spend endless ages trying to hide from Him" as Gallatin puts it. We have all already received Jesus' sacrificial gift, and only a few will see it for what it is, take advantage of His mercy and embrace God.

The hardest part about this is that it points out how self-destructive and prideful we are (what a combo). With death having been conquered and especially for those who have received the Holy Spirit through baptism, we can not longer blame our nature for our falling short, or as is more frequent for me anyway, outright ugliness. But how much lower can we get than to be given the gift of faith, the Holy Spirit and the sacraments and still sin!

I have heard people talk like: "Now that so-and-so has heard the Gospel and rejected it, they will be held accountable and can't claim ignorance at the the Great Judgment;" meanwhile the unbeliever's life could have more semblance of holiness than the believer's. My faith in God does not by itself make me more holy than my unbelieving sister. What separates me from her is my sacramental life: my movement with God and the direction of my gaze. When I cease to "dance" with God, as Gallatin would put it, I again look no different from the world. Thus it is the demon's job to distract me from God--to get me to turn around for only a moment. If I die in that moment, my back to God, what defense will I have? Jesus redeemed me and brought me before His Father, but like Lot's wife I looked back as if there was something I wasn't quite ready to leave behind.

God graciously grants us time in life to make our decision of where our treasure lies. He knows that we falter and have a terrible time with humility, so in His great mercy He gives us chance after chance to take two steps forward for every one step back. Here I realize more deeply the importance of continual prayer. Every time I pray (if I can call it that...I am so unworthy), I turn to God--that's one step forward. May God put a prayer of repentance on my lips at my death! Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.

For a more complete, clearer picture of what I'm attempting to share, I highly, highly recommend taking the 15 mins or so to listen to Gallatin's podcast on Ancient Faith Radio (link at right). He has a way of speaking clearly and concisely and it helps me tremendously. Also the lecture by Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev was very interesting for me and didn't take too terribly long to read. He talks first about the Eastern views of Christ's decent to Hades and the following additions/changes to those views adopted by the Western Church.

little 'tude

2007-10-30T09:56:00.000-06:00

My dear sweet baby girl is developing quite the attitude. Her antics last night in particular took me by surprise. It's no mystery that she doesn't like falling asleep, especially at night. No matter how early or late or how much or little we did during the day, if she doesn't manage to fall asleep nursing she will then cry hard for about 5 minutes prior to conking out. When she starts nodding off, she realizes it and starts crying to wake up (so it seems). For a little while now, we've stopped bouncing/rocking her to sleep--she's too heavy and takes too long to fall asleep that way now. We just sit or lay next to her and give her a hug when she crawls to us, but we don't pick her up. For the most part it's been working well and has helped as we cut out her 10p feeding.

Last night all seemed well until she woke up at 9:30p. Too soon to nurse, so my husband went in to help her back to sleep with our new method. She screamed bloody murder for the next 3 hours. Half-way through he moved her into our bed since it was his bedtime. The only difference was that now she was able to cry right in his ear. We tried teething tabs with no luck. I began to wonder if her tummy hurt from the little bit of milk and wheat she had the day before. I eventually nursed her and rocked her, hoping to calm her down at least a little bit; you can imagine how worked up she was by then. Well she nursed quietly and took a few quiet sighs while I rocked her, and with renewed strength began crying again. It's the first time she's been pretty much inconsolable, so I was a little worried. Finally I got up with her to try a little Russian custom my mother-in-law recommended to help her sleep: say the Lord's Prayer over a little water, wash her face in it, then wipe it off with the inside of my shirt. As soon as I got off the bed with her and walked out, she started talking, smiling, and even laughing. Upset stomach...yeah right! So the little stinker got her way because Mama is a softy. Papa knew all along, but good luck reasoning with a mom whose baby has been crying (screaming!) for 3 hours :) As soon as we reentered the room she began her scream fest again. We tried having her lay with us for a while to see if she was worn out enough to fall asleep. After a while Papa took her to her mattress (next to our bed) and let her cry there while he sat nearby. That did the trick and sooner than I expected she fell over and slept. She did wake up again soon after, but she fell back asleep more easily.

To be fair, we did get her off schedule this weekend on our mini-vacation in the mountains. It will be interesting (that's one way to put it) to see what she does the rest of the week.

Besides the bedtime issue, she is also beginning to laugh and crawl really fast toward the place she is NOT supposed to be. Often she does listen, but just as often she tests the water. What a funny girl. Parenting a growing child sure is an adventure!

cash cow

2007-10-22T21:25:00.001-06:00

Just came across this in my journal concerning the many awful, manipulative, truth-bending, money-hungry tele-evangelists: They are simply men of corrupt mind "who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain" (1 Timothy 6:5).

It drives me nuts to hear the idea that health and wealth are signs that someone is particularly holy and God-pleasing. "Sow a seed of money so God can reward you ten-fold!" Disgusting.

In the story of the rich man who approached Jesus and asked "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?" it's easy to see how worldly possessions can more hinder our salvation than help.

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, "'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor you father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give them to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, if is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:16-24).

Every good thing comes from God (define "good"), and I should give thanks in everything. I am thankful for my very comfortable life, but I need to learn to hold in my heart the understanding that it would be better for Him to take everything away than for me to perish with my earthly treasure.

The last thing I need to get into my head is the idea to "sow" my money so that I can get a whole bunch more!

Fr John Krestiankin

2007-10-16T22:25:00.000-06:00

M.O., found this little treasure and wanted to just post it here for you to see.

more thoughts on Halloween

2007-10-12T22:30:00.000-06:00

After sharing our newly determined thoughts/beliefs concerning Halloween, we (husband and I) have received some predictable responses. I must say, though, that the gravity with which people tell us the consequences of not celebrating it surprises me a little; maybe it's one of those situations where people feel like our choice is silently accusing them...but, honestly, we're not interested in judging anyone and are only interested in the choices that affect our family. Mostly people are concerned that our daughter will be emotionally scarred if she is singled out by being the only one not allowed to participate in Halloween festivities at school and such. Kids so desperately need to fit in, and their peers can be cruel--that sure is true. Our reaction to this is that although she may suffer somewhat at the time, in the end she has two parents who love her and, Lord-willing, her needs will be met with abundance. We can't let her do things just because the rest of the school is doing it. Plus there is the option to miss school that day, and God has blessed us with a true Orthodox holiday on October 31, the feast day of St John of Kronstadt.

I never really celebrated Halloween (minus the giving candy at the door routine). At an early age I remember being taught the origin of Halloween and that it is not actually a holy day. When we were young we were not allowed to trick or treat (either for safety reasons or ethical reasons, I don't know--maybe both), and we often went to "Harvest Festivals". But I do remember the one year where my younger brother wanted to go trick or treating and my parents let him. I couldn't believe it and was staunchly opposed to the whole idea. I never changed my thinking. I remember one particular year in middle school where the whole school was supposed to dress up. The night before I was very upset and completely petrified because I knew I would be the ONLY person not in a costume and everyone would ask why. This is hard on any kid, and I was always particularly shy. I remember my parents telling me that it would be okay to wear a costume or even just stay home from school. Tearfully, I made my decision: there was no way I'd dress up and I didn't want to be a wimp and just stay home, so off to school I went to meet my fate (yes, it felt very dramatic at the time). It wasn't as horrible as I expected, but it was hard and embarrassing and I got way too much attention. If anyone didn't already know, they knew then that I was a Christian and didn't celebrate Halloween like them because I thought it was evil. Just what every 7th grader wants everyone to know. But I became a stronger person from it. I had the sense that my ethics and beliefs were more important than fitting in (I give my mom the credit there).

Do I want my baby to have to go through the same thing just because I did? Yes and no. No parent wants to see her child feel bad in any way, for any reason. Yet, to struggle/suffer for one's beliefs is the holiest of callings. As Bishop Kyrill mentions, there have been countless saints martyred for simple expressions of faith, such as refusing to remove the cross from around their neck, not to mention those killed for not celebrating pagan holidays! I do not see this as an extreme parallel. If there is anything I want her to learn, it is to despise all worldly things and love only God. I am completely unworthy and unable to teach her this, but I hope in the work of the Holy Spirit. Lord, have mercy on us sinners.

I guess that's it. No Halloween for this family! :)

on Halloween

2007-09-16T11:09:00.000-06:00

I am ever grateful to my parents for teaching me at a young age that Halloween was not a Christian holiday, and since then I have been extremely opposed to Halloween. I am relieved, honestly, that Orthodoxy takes such a strong stance against any practice that is the least bit associated with Halloween...including receiving candy in the spirit of Halloween, dressing up, carving pumpkins, etc. Here is Bishop Kyrill's homily on the subject. I encourage you to take the time to read it--it is interesting and very important.

ON HALLOWEEN
by Bishop Kyrill of Seattle,
reprinted from "Parish Life" of the St. John the Baptist Cathedral, Washington, DC.

It is that time of the year when the secular society in which we live is preparing for the festival of Halloween. Because most of us are either newly Orthodox or newly aware of our Orthodoxy, it is absolutely necessary that we carefully examine every aspect of our involvement in the world - it's activities, festivals, associations and societies - in order to discern whether or not these involvements are compatible or incompatible with our holy Orthodox Faith.

This is a difficult task which leads to some pain when we realize that there are popular organizations and activities in which we are unable to participate.

Though our schools, our local community organizations, and all forms of entertainment in television, radio, and the press will share in and capitalize upon the festival of Halloween, it is impossible for Orthodox Christians to participate in this event at any level. The issue involved is simple faithfulness to God and the holy Orthodox Christian Faith. Halloween has its roots in paganism and continues to be a form of idolatry in which Satan, the angel of death is worshipped. As we know, the very foundation of our holy Church is built upon the blood of martyrs who refused under the painful penalties of cruel torture and death to worship, venerate, or pay obeisance in any way to the idols who are Satan's angels. Because of the faithfulness through obedience and self-sacrifice of the holy martyrs, God poured out upon His holy Church abundant Grace and its numbers were increased daily, precisely at a time when one would have expected the threat of persecution to extinguish the flame of faith. But, contrary to the world's understanding, humble faithfulness and obedience to God are the very lifelines of our life in Christ, through Whom we are given true spiritual peace, love, and joy, and participation in the miraculous workings of His Holy Spirit. Therefore the holy Church calls us to faithfulness by our turning away from falsehood toward truth and eternal life.

With regard to our non-participation in the pagan festival of Halloween, we will be strengthened by an understanding of the spiritual danger and history of this anti-Christian feast. The feast of Halloween began in pre-Christian times among the Celtic peoples of Great Britain, Ireland and northern France. These pagan peoples believed that physical life was born from death. Therefore, they celebrated the beginning of the "new year" in the fall (on the eve of October 31 and into the day of November 1), when, as they believed, the season of cold, darkness, decay and death began. A certain deity, whom they called Samhain, was believed by the Celts to be the lord of Death, and it was he whom they honored at their New Year's festival.

There were, from an Orthodox Christian point of view, many dia bolical beliefs and practices associated with this feast which, it will be clear, have endured to our time. On the eve of the New Year's festival, the Druids who were the priests of the Celtic cult, instructed their people to extinguish all hearth fires and lights. On the evening of the festival a huge bonfire built of oak branches, which they believed to be sacred, was ignited. Upon this fire sacrifices of crops, animals, and even human beings, were burned as an offering in order to appease and cajole Samhain, the lord of Death. It was also believed that Samhain, being pleased by their faithful offerings, allowed the souls of the dead to return to homes for a festal visit on this day. It is from this belief that the practice of wandering about in the dark dressed up in costumes imitating ghosts, witches, hobgoblins, fairies, and demons grew up. For the living entered into fellowship and communion with the dead by what was, and still is, a ritual act of imitation, through costume and activity of wandering around in the dark of night, even as the souls of the dead were believed to wander.

The dialogue of "trick or treat" is also an integral part of this system of beliefs and practices. It was believed that the souls of the dead who had entered into the world of darkness, decay, and death, and therefore into total communion with and submission to Samhain the lord of Death, bore the affliction of great hunger on their festal visit. Out of this grew the practice of begging, which was a further ritual enactment and imita tion of what the Celts believed to be the activities of the souls of the dead on their festal visit. Associated with this is the still further implication that if the souls of the dead and their imitators were not appeased with "treats," i.e., offerings, then the wrath and anger of Samhain, whose angels and servants the souls and their imitators had become, would be unleashed through a system of "tricks," or curses.

From an Orthodox Christian point of view, participation in these practices at any level is impossible and idolatrous, a genuine betrayal of our God and our holy Faith. For if we participate in the ritual activity of imitating the dead by dressing up in their attire or by wandering about in the dark, or by begging with them, then we have willfully sought fel lowship with the dead, whose lord is not Samhain as the Celts believed but Satan, the Evil One who stands against God. Further, if we submit to the dialogue of "trick or treat," we make our offering not to innocent children, but rather to Samhain, the lord of Death whom they have come to serve as imitators of the dead, wandering in the dark of night.

There are other practices associated with Halloween which we must stay away from. As was mentioned above, on the eve of the Celtic New Year festival, Druid priests instructed their faithful to extinguish their hearth fires and lights and to gather around the fire of sacrifice to make their offerings to pay homage to the lord of Death. Because this was a sacred fire, it was from this that the fire of the new year was to be taken and the lights and hearth fire rekindled. Out of this arose the practice of the jack o'lantern (in the USA, a pumpkin; in older days other vegetables were used) which was carved in imitation of the dead and used to convey the new light and fire to the home where the lantern was left burning throughout the night. Even the use and display of the jack o'lantern involves celebration of and participation in the pagan festival of death honoring the Celtic god Samhain. Orthodox Christians must in no way share in this Celtic activity, but rather we should counter our inclinations and habits by burning candles to the Saviour and the Most Holy Mother of God and to all the holy saints.

In the ancient Celtic rite divination was also associated with this fes tival. After the fire had died out the Druids examined the remains of the sacrifices in order to foretell, as they believed was possible, the events of the coming year. Since this time the Halloween festival has been the night for participation in all kinds of sorcery, fortune telling, divination, games of chance, and in latter medieval times, Satan worship and witchcraft.

In the days of the early Celtic Church, which was strictly Orthodox, the holy Fathers attempted to counteract this pagan New Year Festival which honored the lord of Death, by establishing the Feast of All Saints on the same day (in the East, the Feast of All Saints is celebrated on the Sunday following Pentecost). As was the custom of the Church, the faith ful Christians attended a Vigil Service in the evening and in the morning a celebration of the Holy Eucharist. It is from this that the term Halloween developed. The word Halloween has its roots in the Old English of "All Hallow's Even," i.e., the eve commemorating all those who were hallowed (sanctified), i.e., Halloween. The people who had remained pagan and therefore anti-Christian and whose paganism had become deeply intertwined with the occult, Satanism, and magic, reacted to the Church's attempt to supplant their festival by increased fervor on this evening. In the early middle ages, Halloween became the supreme and central feast of the occult, a night and day upon which acts of witch craft, demonism, sorcery, and Satanism of all kinds were practiced.

Many of these practices involved desecration and mockery of Christian practices and beliefs. Costumes of skeletons developed as a mockery of the Church's reverence for holy relics; holy things were stolen, such as crosses and the Reserved Sacrament, and used in perverse and sacrile gious ways. The practice of begging became a system of persecution designed to harass Christians who were, by their beliefs, unable to participate by making offerings to those who served the lord of Death. The Western Church's attempt to supplant this pagan festival with the Feast of All Saints failed.

The analogy of Halloween in ancient Russia was Navy Dien (old Slavonic for "the dead" was "nav") which was also called Radunitsa and celebrated in the spring. To supplant it the Eastern Church connected this feast with Pascha and appointed it to be celebrated on Tuesday of the Saint Thomas' week (the second week after Pascha). The Church also changed the name of the feast into Radonitsa, from Russian "radost" joy. Joy of Pascha and of the resurrection from the dead of all of mankind after Jesus Christ. Gradually Radonitsa yielded to Pascha its importance and became less popular in general, but many dark and pagan practices and habits of some old feasts of Russian paganism (Semik, Kupalo, Rusalia and some aspects of the Maslennitsa) survived till the beginning of our century. Now they are gone forever, but the atheist authorities used to try to revive them. We can also recall the example of another "harmless" feast - May 1, proclaimed "the international worker's day." That was a simple renaming of a very old satanic feast of Walpurgis Night (night of April 30 into the day of May 1) - the great yearly demonic Sabbath during which all the participants united in "a fellowship of Satan."

These contemporary Halloween practices have their roots in paganism, idolatry, and Satan worship. How then did something that is so obviously contradictory to the holy Orthodox Faith gain acceptance among Christian people?

The answer to this question is: spiritual apathy and listlessness, which are the spiritual roots of atheism and the turning away from God. In today's society one is continually urged to disregard the spiritual roots and origins of secular practices under the guise that the outward customs, practices and forms are cute, fun, entertaining, and harmless. Behind this attitude lies the dogma of atheism, which denies the existence of both God and Satan and can therefore conclude that these activities, despite their obvious pagan and idolatrous origin, are harmless and of no consequence.

The holy Church must stand against this because we are taught by Christ that God stands in judgment over everything we do and believe, and that our actions are either for God or against God. Therefore, the customs of Halloween are not innocent practices with no relationship to the spiritual world. But rather they are demonic practices, precisely as an examination of their origins proves.

Evil spirits do exist. The demons do exist. Christ came into the world so that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the Devil (Heb. 2:12). It is imperative for us to realize as Christians that our greatest foe is the Evil One who inspires nations and individuals to sin against mankind, and who prevents them from coming to a knowledge of the truth. Unless we realize that Satan is our real enemy, we can never hope for spiritual progress for our lives. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Eph.6:12).

Today we witness a revival of satanistic cults; we hear of a satanic service conducted on Halloween night; everywhere Satan reaches out to ensnare as many innocent people as possible. The newsstands are filled with material on spiritualism, supernatural phenomena, seances, prophecies, and all sorts of demonically inspired works.

It is undoubtedly an act of Divine Providence that Saint John of Kronstadt, that saintly physician of souls and bodies, should have his feast day on the very day of Halloween, a day which the world dedicated to the destroyer, corrupter, and deceiver of humanity. God has provided us with this powerful counterpoise and weapon against the snares of Satan, and we should take full advantage of this gift, for truly "Wondrous is God in His saints."

become a dead man

2007-09-11T21:58:00.000-06:00

From the life of Saint Macarius of Egypt, as written in The Lives of the Saints, Vol. 5 (January):

A brother came to visit Saint Macarius and pleaded, "Abba, give me a word, that I will be saved."

The elder said, "Go to a cemetery and insult the dead."

The brother insulted the dead, threw rocks at their graves, and returned to the old man. "Did they say anything to you?" the venerable one asked.

"Nothing," replied the monk.

"Now go, praise them," enjoined the elder. The brother praised the dead as saints and apostles, then reported back to the saint. Macarius asked, "Did they respond?"

"No," answered the monk.

"You heaped contempt on them, and they said nothing; you praised them, but they remained silent," said Macarius. "If you wish to be saved, become a dead man. If, like the dead, you take no account either of the scorn of men or their acclaim, you can be saved."

Troparion

Dweller of the desert and angel in the body

you were shown to be a wonder-worker, our God-bearing Father Macarius.

You received heavenly gifts through fasting, vigil, and prayer:

Healing the sick and the souls of those drawn to you by faith.

Glory to Him who gave you strength!

Glory to Him who granted you a crown!

Glory to Him who through you grants healing to all!

Kontakion

The Lord truly placed you in the house of abstinence,

As a star enlightening the ends of the earth,

Venerable Macarius, Father of Fathers.

Battle of the Ice

2007-09-08T20:20:00.000-06:00

This month we remember and celebrate the Russian Saint Alexander Nevsky and his victories. I remember being surprised the first time I learned that the Crusaders (Western/Roman Catholic) were not only against Muslims but also against the the Eastern Orthodox Church. Actually, earlier I never even knew there was a different church (Eastern). It makes sense, though...I mean about the Crusaders. Many do not realize how deep the gulf was between the East and West, and it only continues to deepen and widen. Many hope for the unification of the Roman Catholics with the Eastern Orthodox, but there have been 10 centuries of change on one end and 10 centuries of unchanging Tradition on the other. The Eastern Orthodox church is not about to compromise her Tradition now (talking big T, not the little t's), and I'm not sure how far the Roman Catholic church would be willing to back track. Only God knows. His will be done.

Anyway, on to the battle and Alexander Nevsky (taken from Wikipedia):

The Battle of the Ice, also known as the Battle of Lake Peipus, was a battle between Novgorod and the Teutonic Knights on April 5, 1242 at Lake Peipus.

The battle was one of the most significant defeats sustained by Roman Catholic crusaders during the Northern Crusades, which were directed against pagans and Eastern Orthodox Christians rather than Muslims in the Holy Land. The crusaders' defeat in the battle effectively marked the end of significant campaigns against the Orthodox Novgorod Republic and other Russian territories in the aftermath of the conquest of Estonia.

Background

Hoping to exploit the Russians' weakness in the wake of the Mongol and Swedish invasions, the Teutonic Knights attacked the neighboring Novgorod Republic and occupied Pskov, Izborsk, and Koporye in the autumn of 1240. When they approached Novgorod itself, the local citizens recalled to the city 20-year-old Prince Alexander Yaroslavich, whom they had banished to Pereslavl earlier that year. During the campaign of 1241, Alexander managed to retake Pskov and Koporye from the crusaders.

The battle

In the spring of 1242, the Teutonic Knights defeated a reconnaissance detachment of Novgorodians about 20 km south of the fortress of Dorpat (Tartu). Led by Prince-Bishop Hermann of Buxhoeveden of the Bishopric of Dorpat, the knights and their auxiliary troops of local Ugaunian Estonians then met with Alexander's forces by the narrow strait that connects the northern and southern parts of Lake Peipus (Lake Peipus proper with Lake Pskovskoe) on April 5, 1242. Alexander, intending to fight in a place of his own choosing, retreated in efforts to draw the often over-confident Crusaders to the frozen lake.

The crusader forces likely numbered somewhere in the area of 500 to 1000 [citation needed]. Most of them were Germans, including knights of the Teutonic Order and their squires, although there were large numbers of Danes and Swedish and Estonian mercenaries. The Russian force in contrast numbered around 5,000 soldiers: Alexander and his brother Andrew's bodyguards (druzhina), who numbered around 1,000, plus the militia of Novgorod (not at full force, because of the absence of a direct threat to Novgorod).

According to contemporary Russian chronicles, after hours of hand-to-hand fighting, Alexander ordered the left and right wings of his archers to enter the battle. The knights by this time were exhausted from the constant fighting and struggling with the slippery surface of the frozen lake. The Crusaders started to retreat in disarray deeper onto the ice, and the appearance of the fresh Russian cavalry made them run for their lives. When the knights attempted to rally themselves at the far side of the lake the thin ice started to collapse, under the weight of their heavy armour, and many knights drowned.

According to the First Novgorod Chronicle,

Prince Alexander and all the men of Novgorod drew up their forces by the lake, at Uzmen, by the Rave's Rock; and the Germans and the Estonians rode at them, driving themselves like a wedge throughout their army. And there was a great slaughter of Germans and Estonians... they fought with them during the pursuit on the ice seven versts short of the Subol [north-western] shore. And there fell a countless number of Estonians, and 400 of the Germans, and they took fifty with their hands and they took them to Novgorod.[1]

According to the Livonian Order's Livonian Rhymed Chronicle, written years later,

The [Russians] had many archers, and the battle began with their bold assault on the king's men [Danes]. The brothers' banners were soon flying in the midst of the archers, and swords were heard cutting helmets apart. Many from both sides fell dead on the grass. Then the Brothers' army was completely surrounded, for the Russians had so many troops that there were easily sixty men for every one German knight. The Brothers fought well enough, but they were nonetheless cut down. Some of those from Dorpat escaped from the battle, and it was their salvation that they fled. Twenty brothers lay dead and six were captured.[2]

The Battle of the Ice has been described as an event of major significance, especially by Russian historians. The knights' defeat at the hands of Alexander's forces prevented the crusaders from retaking Pskov, the linchpin of their eastern crusade. The Novgorodians succeeded in defending Russian territory, and the German crusaders never mounted another serious challenge eastward. After the battle Alexander was canonised as a saint in Russian Orthodox church. Later, during World War 2, the image Alexander Nevsky became the great national symbol of fighting against the Western occupation. Today, in Russia, there exists an "Order of Holy Alexander Nevsky", a medal given for outstanding bravery and excellent sevice to the homeland.

Sergei Eisenstein's historical drama film Alexander Nevsky features the Battle of the Ice. The film has elements of propaganda and makes changes to the historical background, however, and should not be viewed as being accurate.

brain pollution

2007-08-31T23:48:00.000-06:00

Tonight for the first time in a while, I was surfing radio channels looking for a fun song to blast while I was alone in the car (no little ears to nurture). All I got was a weird RHCP remix of 'Rollercoaster of Love', then cheesy 'Born in the USA' and unfortunately I even heard a bit of some sappy church song sung in bad soprano. To top if off I caught the tail-end of a commercial--all I heard was "Better sex is just a discreet phone call away..." ?!? Our culture is going down the crapper, no denying it after that ad.

This reminds me of my last tv experience. We don't have our tv plugged in (though we're still forced to pay for cable!), so I am totally out of the loop as far as shows go. But a while back I went to the gym (like, one time) and the tv was on--I felt so...naughty!--and the season premier of "The Bachelor' started. The twist this time was that the women were all beautiful, successful 40-somethings, and the bachelor looked a bit younger than all of them. OOH. Then the real twist was revealed when a group of beautiful 20-somethings walked in, like, move over old ladies! OOOH AAAHH. I couldn't stop laughing! It was the most ridiculous thing I'd seen in ages. I think that since I hadn't watched any tv in so long, I had long recovered from being desensitized by all this kind of junk. Before, I'm sure I would have watched it every week and talked about the candidates--"Can you believe how fake she is?!" I was a reality show junkie for a while there, I'm embarassed to admit. That time in the gym really made me realize how good it is to ban the tv from our home completely. Honestly, it was my husband's idea, and at first I only half-heartedly agreed. But it didn't take long to realize the benefit of not having it even available. Good job, honey.

Well, that's all the ranting for now.

a recent thought on prayer to the Saints

2007-08-19T22:20:00.000-06:00

Prayer to the Saints. I'm having trouble verbalizing what's in my head on this topic, so bear with me. If it's too bad, just stop reading and forget about it :) I'll understand.

As I lay next to Taisia, kissing her head, I asked the Theotokos to raise her up in the ways of God and to be ever near to her, praying for her. As I prayed, trusting she hears me and is offering her intercessions to her Son, I still felt a tug of doubt--doubt about why I am praying to her. I don't have any emotional connection with Mother Mary as of yet, but that is okay because neither do I always have some feeling about God; yet I know He is here and that His existence is independent of my feelings, obviously. Despite all that I have come to understand about the Saints and their mighty intercessions for us, and despite my own prayers to the Saints, I still feel like something is blocking me from really embracing the heavenly Church. I think the doubt continues to creep in over the issue of who is this between me and God? I cannot get the catch-phrase "It's just me and Jesus" out of my head.

What I realized as I lay there with Taisia is that I am used to attributing my virtues and good actions to, well, me. Yes, all good things come from God, but I have free choice and nothing good will come if I do not choose it first. Therefore, I have a piece in the pie of praise (pie of praise...nice!), though most of it belongs to God, of course. I think that this has been my general mindset, if mostly unconscious, over the years.

This mindset plagues me as I try to venerate God's Saints and ask for their intercessions. I imagine that, like me, they accept praise (or the Church gives them praise) for their holy prayers, miracles and so forth. Even more, it even sounds like in this place of elevation they have been placed between me and God.

The truth is that the Orthodox mindset is to give glory to God in ALL things. If I manage to develop a virtue, it is God who has given me the desire, strength and opportunities to do so (this goes back to my previous post on wealth, poverty and praise). The power of the Saints is nothing more (or less) than the power of Almighty God, with Whom they have been united. What have they that they have not received? (1 Cor. 4:7) In akathists we extol their virtues, and in so doing the whole Church glorifies God, for He is the embodiment of the virtues.

As for their place, I must consider them to be like the prophets of the Old Testament who pleaded with God to have mercy on the sinful cities, rather than delivering His terrible justice. Would God had heard the cities' own pleas for mercy? Of course, but they were too prideful and ignorant to ask. I am the same as the cities, and what I do pray is littered with self-love and worldly cares.

Anyway, I guess the main thing I'm trying to say is that if I'd stop projecting my own sin of pride on the Church and her Saints, there would be a lot less hindering me from stepping further into the circle of love within the Church (angels, Saints, and her earthly congregation).

on wealth, poverty and praise

2007-08-18T22:08:00.000-06:00

Some reading I've been doing during the fast. It is from the book "How to Live a Holy Life" by Met. Gregory Postnikov. I read these parts just yesterday, and already I have had some situations and conversations through which I have been able to experience some of these lessons, praise God. I feel like I am peering through a tiny crack in a door which leads to a place far beyond my understanding and even beyond my dreams: it is so bright and new. If I keep looking, praying and pushing forward, perhaps God will open it a little further for me. "Thy Kingdom come!"

on wealth:

"Never think, as many foolish people among the rich do, that you owe your wealth to your intelligence, your cleverness, or your energy. Although you, perhaps, really are intelligent, clever, and energetic, never attribute the acquisition of your wealth only to these attributes; for consider, who gave you your intelligence? Who gave and gives you health and strength, so that you can work? Who blesses your labors with the success you desire, while many other people no less intelligent and hardworking than you are hardly able to get their daily piece of bread? And who looks after your wealth, which you could lose at any moment from any number of circumstances? Is is not God, your Creator, Who does this? Remember the word of the Spirit of God, The Lord...maketh rich (1 Kings 2:7) and so do not take pride in your wealth, but be humble when you are rich, consider it a gift from God, and fervently thank the Lord God for it.

"When you pray, never in your prayer ask the Lord God for permanent continuation of your earthly plenty, and especially do not ask for increase of wealth, because, although the Lord God does give wealth to some people, nowhere is it commanded for us to ask for wealth, but it is said that even when, so to speak, it "flows in" to us by itself, we should set not [our] hearts thereon (Psalm 61:11).

"If you become attached to wealth, it will immediately draw you towards countless vices and put you in an extremely dangerous state of soul. Jesus Christ says that wealth can be very perilous for the soul: a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 19:23), and they that will be rich fall into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition, as the holy Apostle says (1 Tim 6:9)."

on poverty:

"If you are poor, that is, if you are hardworking and in spite of all your labors you barely get enough to provide daily bread for you and your children, then bear your poverty with equanimity...until the time that it is pleasing to the Lord God to take it from you; bear it to death itself, if it is pleasing to Him. Always be cheerful, do not grieve, do not grumble, and especially do not become despondent, no matter how your poverty deepens and how long it lasts.

"Continuously remember the words of the Holy Spirit, The Lord maketh poor (1 Sam. 2:7). But when the Lord God places any of us in some condition, He places him in that condition because that person can always be saved much more easily in the condition appointed to him. Because the Lord God has no other desire concerning us except that we be saved (1 Tim 2:4), whatever He may do with us He does to facilitate our salvation.

"As often as possible, remember the earthly poverty of our Savior. He is God; everything is His: both what is in the heavens, and what is on earth, in the earth, and beneath the earth, but He lived on earth in complete poverty, as He Himself said, foxes have holes, and birds have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head (Luke 9:58). For what purpose did He live so poorly? Of course, not for any other purpose than to incline all of us to accept poverty with equanimity and to be satisfied with what is most necessary for sustaining life; for poverty, as St John Chrysostom says, leads to piety more easily than wealth."

on praise:

"When people praise you, be very circumspect, because then you are in a dangerous situation.

"Many people do not know the true virtue of things and of actions, and therefore they value and praise things that in the sight of the Lord God and of sensible people are worth nothing. And because praise is pleasing to our self-esteem and vainglory, and self-esteem and vainglory are gullible, we eagerly accept another's false praise as true praise, put a halt to seeking perfection, become more imperfect, die unreformed, and perish. Therefore, consider as impartially as possible whether what others praise in you deserves praise from the Lord and from prudent people, because only that which is worthy of praise from the Lord God and from people devoted to Him should be important for us. What does praise from people matter, when we are unworthy of praise from the Lord God?

"That you may not fall into pride, vainglory, carelessness, or other ruinous delusion in the face either of deserved or, especially, undeserved praise, as unfortunately so often happens: ...Remember well that what is worthy of praise in you is not yours, but God's. It was, indeed, something we acquired because we tried to acquire it, but who gave us the disposition, ability, strength, desire, and opportunity to obtain it, if not God? What hast thou that thou didst not receive? now if thou didst receive it, why dost thou glory, as if thou hadst not received it? the Holy Apostle Paul tells the man with self-esteem (1 Cor. 4:7). So, when you perceive in yourself something worthy of praise, immediately ascribe it not to yourself, but to the Lord God, saying with the Psalmist, Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us, but unto thy name give glory (Ps 113:9)."

(How to Live a Holy Life by Metropolitan Gregory Postnikov, published by Holy Trinity Monastery)

While you're here... I know that praying is the most important thing I can do at any given moment, and yet I choose to do everything but. So I ask you all to please pray for me, for God's mercy and for the strength and desire to be more diligent in my prayers.

Love you all!

podcast junkie

2007-08-12T23:12:00.001-06:00

Recently, in order to keep me sane, my husband has been encouraging me to go on a walk as soon as Taisia is in bed. So I download the latest podcasts from AFR and head out in the perfect 7pm weather. I get teased that podcasts on religion are my favorite workout 'tunes'; but this way my body gets a workout and so does my mind. I love it. What can I say, I'm just a podcast junkie.

The most recent podcast I listened to was great. It is part 9 of a series entitled "Imputed Righteousness", by Matthew Gallatin on his Pilgrims from Paradise podcast. It may seem a bit out of context to quote one of my favorite parts, but if it leaves you wondering I guess you can listen to it yourself :) I recommend it if you want the Orthodox perspective on the "dance" of faith and works in our relationship with God. So here is a quick look into what I've been listening to:

"Everything starts with faith. By faith we enter into the waters of baptism. By faith we receive the Holy Spirit. But once we've received the Holy Spirit, God expects it to make a difference in how we act. It must. If we want to be saved, if we want to live in perfect, loving union with God, we actually have to be what God wants us to be. It's not enough just to imagine ourselves as what He wants us to be, or hope that He sees us the way He wants us to be. No, we must dance the divine dance. No longer can we live the sinful life of those who dance without God. Putting to death our sinfulness through the power of the Indwelling Spirit is not easy...Thankfully our compassionate God is thoroughly, lovingly, divinely and eternally committed to the success of our relationship with Him. He is always by our side to forgive us, teach us, encourage us. Yes, real life with God, real love with God is a lot of work. But it is the only existence to which we are called..."

I particularly like the end "real life with God, real love with God is a lot of work," or as Fr Boris wisely said, "Welcome to the struggle" (see sidebar).

banana robot

2007-08-11T23:56:00.000-06:00

Me and our awesome banana tree robot. This is our new painting from Anya Lincoln. Please take a look at her artwork by clicking the link in the sidebar; she is a wonderful artist.

Mysterion

2007-08-02T21:44:00.000-06:00

Adventures in New Testament Greek: Mysterion
by Scott Cairns

What our habit has obtained for us appears
a somewhat meager view of mystery.
And Latinate equivalents have fared
no better tendering the palpable
proximity of dense noetic pressure.

More familiar, glib, and gnostic bullshit
aside, the loss the body suffers when
sacrament is pared into a tidy
picture postcard of absent circumstance
starves the matter to a moot result, no?

Mysterion is of a piece, enormous
enough to span the reach of what we see
and what we don't. The problem at the heart
of metaphor is how neatly it breaks down
to this and that. Imagine one that held

entirely across the play of image
and its likenesses. Mysterion is
never elsewhere, ever looms, indivisible
and here, and compasses a journey one
assumes as it is tendered on a spoon.

Receiving it, you apprehend how near
the Holy bides. You cannot know how far.

From his book Philokalia: New and Selected Poems. Reprinted with permission.
(So I guess this book is out of print, but he has a new one entitled Compass of Affection. Can't wait to read it!)

the next step

2007-07-30T21:06:00.001-06:00

So I have read and done a lot of thinking about a woman's role and the obedience of covering my head in church. But I have this lingering question...what about when I am not literally in the church building? I read Paul in 1 Cor. very literally, and while I'm at it I should note, to myself, that it is also very clear that a woman is meant to cover her head all of the time: I am always in the presence of God, His angels and the saints; and I should be developing a life of constant prayer (not praying just in church).

With this conviction I began covering my head while at home all day. Then I realized that like with any spiritual practice/discipline, you cannot just jump in with both feet and think that you're good to go. Immediately I noticed what a powerful effect action (covering) added to intention (humble submission to God and husband) has.

I would stand at prayer in the mornings with my head covered but wearing an old ill-fitting, revealing tank top and pajama pants. (I always have been the type to stay in my PJs all day unless I have to go somewhere.) What's wrong with this picture? In his little book How to Live a Holy Life, Metropolitan Gregory Postnikov writes:

"Having risen from bed, wash immediately, and having washed, dress immediately in a way that befits a respectable person. It is necessary to get dressed like this in the morning, although there may be no one with us, because:
First, we never are completely alone; always and everywhere our Guardian Angel and the Lord God are with us...Second, after having woken and washed, we should immediately stand before the Lord God with our morning prayers. And we would never dare to appear before even any of our lower-ranking earthly bosses without having dressed properly."

Also I began to feel a little uncomfortable with wearing the cover and dressing as usual in my pants and t-shirts. Shouldn't I be dressed a bit more feminine? Isn't that half the point?

I'm telling you, try to start a discipline and you will see anew all sorts of things about yourself and the way you live your life! This process reminds me of fasting. The first things encountered are related to the physical and the next are deeper, more spiritual. In this case, the bandanna on my head symbolizing my place of submission provided a stark contrast to the reality of my pride and lack of submission...painfully so. I felt like a big hypocrite. Not wanting to put on a show for my husband, the angels and God, I stopped wearing the head-covering at home for now, except during my prayer time. It is too easy for this sort of thing to become a vehicle for my pride. That's why, in this case in particular, I have decided to first ask my spiritual father for his blessing and get his advice on how to proceed so that I am being obedient to Scriptures as well as staying within my limits--I do not feel confident in my discernment at this point. As St John Cassian said: "We should try our best to acquire that gift of discernment that is able to keep us from excess in any direction. For, as the fathers have said, all extremes are equally harmful. It is as dangerous to fast too much as it is to overfill the stomach. I myself have known monks who were not defeated by gluttony, but were undermined by immoderate fasting." So we will see what Batushka recommends.

I will give an update once I have spoken with him...or you'll see me and it will be obvious :) Pray for me, that God will have mercy on me and my meager attempts at humility and obedience.

"the bones that be humbled, they shall rejoice"

2007-07-13T13:03:00.000-06:00

We have just come out of the Peter and Paul fast. The length of this fast fluctuates from year to year (don't ask me why--I don't yet know these things), and this year it was especially long at 7 weeks. Almost as long as Great Lent! But the length isn't, in itself, what made it hard.

For those of you wondering, when I say "fast" I'm talking about a vegan diet with a few days each week on which you can have wine and oil with your meals. More than that, it is a time to focus spiritually by praying, reading edifying material, confessing and attending Liturgy more regularly, and to be extra diligent in the battle against my sins/passions. The beauty of the Church's fasts is that they remind us that our existence is far more than physical. For me, it takes a week or two of being focused on the diet before I can move past it and start looking inward. My body finally begins to submit so my soul can do its work more freely. The change in focus usually happens without me realizing it. I suddenly find myself picking up my prayer book more often. I also begin recognizing my pride, anger and impatience more often. It is very humbling.

This particular fast I had a harder time than usual with the diet, craving cheese and ice cream and so forth (if you know me, this will not surprise you!). And spiritually I started off on the wrong foot the very first day. Don't ask me how. But our all-compassionate God turned my stumbling into a useful tool: the rest of the fast I was more aware of my failings than perhaps I've ever been. Some might read this and be concerned that this is a very negative consequence indeed, but please keep reading.

On the evening of the feast day of Peter and Paul (ie. the end of the fast), I had a serious revelation about who I am as a fallen creature. I felt utterly broken and taken aback by the truth. In my brokenness, I saw how sugar-coated everything has become; and as we all know, as good as sugar tastes it is very bad for you. How many layers of lies, I asked myself, do I have to peel away from my beliefs, thoughts, even feelings before I can see and partake of the true essence God? "Raise me up above this world's confusion" is all I could pray.

I also realized how much I need the Theotokos, our Mother, our Champion Leader. I desperately need a guide and intercessor, as I can hardly see past my own nose. I am more lost than I realized. "O bearer of the Unwaning Light, enlighten my blinded soul...Guide me to the path of repentance, for I am tossed in the storm of life...Let me not be exposed to the rejoicing of demons, guilty as I am of many sins...Accept my service of supplication and offer it to compassionate God. O thou who art above the angels, raise me above this world's confusion...Deliver me from soul-corrupting evils, and fervently intercede with Christ, to Whom is due honour and worship, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen."

Then I found a real desire to know God and to be holy as He is holy. I learned (and will continue learning) the beauty of desiring the things of God and asking for that which pleases Him to give. By this I mean to desire humility and honestly ask Him to send me opportunities to learn it; to desire an obedient spirit and ask Him to grant me the strength to practice it. The Lord will certainly answer these prayers; and I am finding that once I get past my dingy, worldly shell, my desire for these things is deep. This gives me great hope because it means that He has truly given me His Spirit along with everything I need to work out my salvation.

By being broken, by being shown how far I have fallen, by knowing real humility if only briefly, I was granted the great gift of a moment of honesty before God. In this moment He opened my eyes a little wider so I could see the next couple of steps that will lead me closer to Him. I am so grateful.

Fasts are always difficult. They are also always so good. If you are Orthodox you'll know what I mean when I say that usually once a fast is over, I take a deep breath of relief, eat some cheese and have some wine...and the next thing I know, I am eagerly awaiting the next fast. It is sort of like natural childbirth...but that is the subject of a whole new post!

GLORY TO THEE, OUR GOD. GLORY TO THEE.

Why I Cover My Head (in church)

2007-07-06T22:23:00.000-06:00

My first time visiting All Saints of Russia Orthodox Church was memorable for many reasons, covering my head for the first time was one of them. I knew that the women there did it and thought that I wouldn't mind until it was time to actually don the scarf and go to church. Suddenly I felt extremely self-conscious. I remembered all those times we kids teased mom about the days she wore a "doily" on her head (Plymouth Brethren). It wasn't long, though, before I forgot about my scarf as I experienced the rest of the Liturgy.

There is actually quite a bit of discussion in the Orthodox circle about head-covering in church, particularly amongst converts here in the west. Those on the fence about it and those who choose not to cover have a variety of reasons. In my opinion, none of them adequately address the issue of St Paul's command.

Growing up in the Protestant church where women (for the most part) don't cover their heads, I was never quite sure what to make of 1 Corinthians 11:1-16. Seeing that no one had any interest in head-covering, I figured there must be some alternative interpretation for this passage that I simply was not getting. I couldn't just forget about it, though, especially since the part about women not speaking out was still held dear. I always whole-heartedly agreed that women have no place in the pastoral role (clergy) since St Paul was quite clear on the matter. But then again, he also seemed quite clear on charging women to cover their heads. Eventually I was finally given the answer as to why this rule of dress was no longer followed: it is culturally out-dated.

For me, once I got over my self-consciousness I embraced the "new" custom and never looked back. I no longer had to do a mental dance, accepting the one command and loosely rationalizing away the other. I honestly believe that if there were a concern about modesty regarding hygiene or some special cultural issue, he would have mentioned it specifically as he did in 1 Cor. 8 concerning food sacrificed to animals. Paul is often recognized for his direct approach and clarity. In this case the reasons for a woman to cover her head and for a man not to are clearly spiritual and not cultural.

Overall I believe with the Fathers that such practices of humility and obedience have great spiritual benefit...although I still find myself a slave to pride (Lord, have mercy).

I know many will disagree with me about this issue. That is okay. It is never my intention to point an invisible finger at anyone. After all, judging those who do not practice this will most certainly defeat the whole purpose.

As a conclusion, please consider St Paul's words once more. I recently reread this passage for the first time in a long while. It struck me powerfully.

"I praise you for remembering me in everything and for holding to the teachings, just as I passed them on to you. Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head--it is just as though her head were shaved. If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved off, she should cover her head. A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head.

"In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God. Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice--nor do the churches of God."

Akathist of Thanksgiving

2007-06-24T09:59:00.000-06:00

A selection from the Akathist of Thanksgiving written by Fr Gregory Petroff, a new martyr of Russia.

KONTAKION 2
Lord, how good it is to be Your guest; the delicately scented wind, the mountains stretching to the sky, the waters reflecting like infinite mirrors, the golden rays of sun, the airiness of clouds. All nature secretly whispers, full of tenderness, and even the birds and beasts bear the mark of Your Love. Blessed is mother earth with her transient beauty, longing for the homeland which is eternal and where an imperishable beauty rings out: Alleluia.

Ikos
You brought me into this life as into an enchanting paradise. The sky is a deep blue vessel of azure out of which rings the sound of birds; there is the rustling sound of the forest and the sweet sounding music of the waters; the fragrant and sweet fruit and honey which we eat. It is good to be with You on earth, joyous to be Your guest:
Glory to You, for the festival of life,
Glory to You, for the fragrant lilies of the valley and the roses,
Glory to You, for the delectable variety of berries and fruits,
Glory to You, for the morning dew, shining like diamonds,
Glory to You, for the smile of awakening enlightenment,
Glory to You, for all that is heavenly, foreshadowing eternal life,
Glory to You, O God, unto ages of ages.

-------------------------
KONTAKION 10
That which is broken cannot be restored, but You can set aright those whose conscience has become decayed; You restore the soul to its former beauty in those who have lost it beyond all hope. With You there is nothing that cannot be put aright. You are all love. You are the Creator and the Restorer. To You we sing praise: Alleluia!

Ikos
My God, You Who know the fall of the proud angel, save me through the power of Your grace, do not let me fall away from You, do not allow me to doubt You. Sharpen my hearing so that every minute of my life I can hear Your mysterious voice, and call to You Who are everywhere present:
Glory to You, for providential coincidences,
Glory to You, for the gift of premonitions,
Glory to You, for the guidance of a secret inner voice,
Glory to You, for revelations in dreams and when awake,
Glory to You, Who destroy our useless plans,
Glory to You, Who sober us from the heat of passions with suffering,
Glory to You, Who humble pride of heart to save us,
Glory to You, O God, unto ages of ages.

You can get the complete text and order the cd from Saint Ignatius Church.

doodly-doo

2007-06-08T09:04:00.002-06:00

"A-bounce, a-bounce, a-bounce, a-bounce-a,
Mama loves you!
A-bounce, a-bounce, a-bounce, a-bounce,
Whatever you do!
A-doo, doo, doodly, doo.
I'm gon-na looove you!"

I made this up on our long walk yesterday as I was trying to help Taisia fall asleep. I sang this little ditty for about 40 minutes, bouncing a little each step and exchanging "Papa" for "mama" to keep it interesting :)

Grace

2007-06-01T21:04:00.001-06:00

I have been listening to Matthew Gallatin's podcast (Orthodox) called "Imputed Righteousness" On Ancient Faith Radio. It has been very eye-opening for me. He asserts that Grace is not "God's unmerited favor"; it is not a thing which God gives. Rather, grace describes the activity of God within me.

"Grace is God at work transforming me.
Faith is the Christ who dwells in me reaching out to the same Christ who sits on His throne in Heaven.
Wisdom is God thinking His thoughts in me.
Mercy is God expressing His goodness in and through me.
Righteousness is a state of being, God's state of being. It is who He is; it is His perfect, loving, merciful way of existing."

From listening to Gallatin and from doing my own reading I am beginning to understand more fully how salvation is not simply the result of a contract between me and God which I sign by believing and receiving. It is about a relationship with God in which both sides sacrifice themselves for each other in order to be united in the way Christ describes in John 17:20-23. Salvation is unity with Christ. And like any relationship, this one is two-sided. If I don't do my part, I risk losing the opportunity to find eternal union and salvation with God. Hell, or separation from God, is not a punishment; it is a choice. If I believe in God's love and allow the Holy Spirit to dwell and work in me, I have all that I need to become holy so I might draw nearer to Him. But it is important to remember that God does not force Himself on anyone. If I decide to reject the Holy Spirit (at any time) He will not remain in me. But if I repent and choose Him, He will forgive where I have wronged Him and joyfully help me aspire toward righteousness.

There is so much more, but I am still digesting it all.

Glory be to God, for He is Love!

Mother's day weekend

2007-05-13T23:40:00.000-06:00

This weekend I certainly was reminded that I am a mother.

Taisia had a couple of sleepless nights on Friday and Saturday, and Sunday night looked like another impossible night of wakeful cries, squeals, and figeting. Exhausted, I was getting more and more upset about the whole thing. More than being just tired and cranky, I was worried about her lack of sleep.

Taisia is a sensitive little girl, and her separation anxiety on top of her normal hopes of playing all night kept her from falling asleep, let alone staying asleep. So I lay on the floor of our room next to her mattress (on which I also put one of my shirts which smelled of me and breast milk), being sure not to interact with her but letting her feel secure with my presence. So for a couple of hours she squealed happily, rolled around (esp after she found out that I'd move her away from the edge to prevent her from rolling off), and let out louder and louder noises that said "Hey you! Yeah, you!" In the midst of my frustration, I couldn't help but smile. What a funny girl. I did think for 2 seconds about leaving the room to let her cry it out, but besides my aversion to the method in general, I just don't think it would work for her: she could cry and scream all night. After some time of her obviously not calming down this way, Andrei bounced her back into the twilight zone (for the 5th or 6th time). Meanwhile I went to askdrsears.com for some advice. He is a big proponent for co-sleeping and last night he convinced me. So I asked Andrei to put her in our bed. She slept for 15 minutes before we heard her talking and moving around again. Since she wasn't crying (but I was about to, myself), we left her alone for a while. Then there was silence. I had to peek in to see it with my own eyes. She actually put herself back to sleep...and she stayed asleep for a few hours! I felt like a new person just knowing she was finally asleep.

So we all slept together last night. Yes, SLEPT. She did wake up a couple times to nurse, but neither she nor I had to wake up as much as usual for the occasion; and Andrei didn't wake up at all! It certainly was cozy. I loved to feel her head leaning against my shoulder and her little hand reaching for my side.

This wasn't the first time we brought her to bed with us. Often during the day I'll lay her on our bed for a nap (sometimes with me in it) because I like to think that she can sleep in more than one place. And there have been nights we've had her between us, but usually I move her back to her bed the next time we get up to nurse.

We'll see how this week goes. Maybe we'll become a co-sleeping family. I still plan to have her take her daytime naps in her own bed, if she'll do it, just for variety's sake. One thing I've learned is that every method is fair game when raising a child. You just never know what will be your saving grace.

I have to end by saying that for Mother's day Andrei took us girls out for lunch, bought me flowers for the porch, and stayed home with Taisia for some time so I could get out and be a real individual. I also planted a couple herbs which I am excited about. So I had a nice first Mother's day. Thanks honey.

Pregnant in America, A Nation's Miscarriage

2007-05-11T20:41:00.001-06:00

The following is a synopsis of a new documentary movie. Take a moment to read it and visit the website to view the movie trailer.

Pregnant in America examines the betrayal of humanity's greatest gift--birth--by the greed of U.S. corporations. Hospitals, insurance companies and other members of the healthcare industry have all pushed aside the best care of our infants and mothers to play the power game of raking in huge profits.

His wife pregnant, first-time filmmaker Steve Buonaugurio sets out to create a film that will expose the underside of the U.S. childbirth industry and help end its neglectful exploitation of pregnancy and birth.

Pregnant in America is the controversial story of life's greatest miracle in the hands of a nation's most powerful interest.

www.pregnantinamerica.com

Story of Pushing Taisia into the World

2007-04-24T10:51:00.000-06:00

(It's a bit detailed because I want to remember everything.)

October 8, 2006 around 5a or earlier, I got up to make another bathroom run. On the way I felt a very small, wet gush. What the..? I threw on the lights and "Andrei! I think my water just broke!" Now fully awake, excited and a little confused, we debated on whether it was my bag of waters trickling down my leg or something else (moms, ladies, most of you know what I'm referring to here). In the end we decided that it was a false alarm as I was not sure that I had lost my mucus plug and had no bloody show later, plus I was still 3 weeks from my due date. We had heard stories about couples so excited to have their baby that they misinterpreted the signs, got themselves worked up, and called the doctor/midwife way too early. We didn't want to provide another silly story for them to tell. We tried to go back to sleep, but strong waves of adrenaline rushed over me and I had light, regular contractions for an hour. That was a long hour. Eventually everything died down and I slept another hour or two.

It was a Sunday, also our wedding anniversary, so after stocking up on feminine products (to contain a drastic increase in secretions) we headed to church. I was pretty sure I'd have the baby in the next 24-36 hours.

At 1:30p I felt another little "pop" and subsequent trickling, and this time I was more confident (but still not totally sure) that my water had broken. I think around 2p contractions started coming every 7 minutes, so I called Angela, my sister-in-law/doula, to discuss it. From her I was searching for confirmation of my suspicions and "permission" to call my midwife Tracy. When I did call her, I remember talking a little louder and faster than usual and being slightly out of breath from excitement. Both ladies told me to drink, eat and take it easy. They agreed I could go for a walk.

Beaming and looking forward to each contraction, we went for a long walk during which Andrei faithfully timed the contractions. I was a little disappointed that they were so light and that the longer we walked, the less frequent they became. Not true labor, I decided. Shoot.

By the time we arrived back at the house, they had all but disappeared. Tracy called around 6:30p to check in. When I told her that they had stopped, it didn't seem to faze her and she again told me to drink, eat and try to relax, even sleep if I could. She said she'd keep checking in and that she expected me to give birth by the next morning. I was encouraged. If I remember correctly I spent the next couple of hours dinking around and preparing a bag to take to the birth center with fresh clothes, food, icons to focus on during labor, a compilation cd I made for laboring, and other little things I thought I might want.

After dinner we decided to watch a movie to get my mind off things and to begin winding down so I could get a little sleep. We didn't have many choices, but Pride and Prejudice (the new one) seemed like a good, low-key choice. So I took a seat on my trusty exercise ball, had some tea and began watching with Andrei at my side--such a trooper. My contractions were still far apart, but I was generally uncomfortable and the movie became so dang annoying: I couldn't hear the dialogue for one thing, and the music was shrill, and I just was not into it AT ALL. At that point I'm sure that any movie would've been hard to watch. Around 9p Angela called and suggested that I take a bath and then go to bed. She said to call her once the contractions came every 4-5 minutes.

I finally did lay down, and very soon after that the contractions became regular and their strength slowly increased. I stayed in bed on my left side and breathed through them, closing my eyes and trying to fully relax between them. After an hour or so of pretty light contractions, I asked him to provide counter-pressure on my lower back as they got harder--and so began his marathon. It really seemed to help, mostly as a distraction...similar to how I push on bug bites with my finger nail so that the pain overpowers the itching, helping me not to scratch at them.

Early labor is a sweet memory for me. It was the beginning of the end of being just the two of us, and I felt such a strong bond with Andrei as we started on this new path together. When I look back and see how dependent I was on him throughout the labor process, I realize that I was clinging to him not just for support through the pain but for assurance that we are in it together physically, mentally, spiritually.

By 12:20a the contractions were coming every 3-4 minutes and lasting about 90 seconds. It was getting "pretty serious" (I'm hearing Kip's voice as I type that). Still, I hesitated to call Angela because I didn't know if we really needed her to come. I didn't know what kind of support I'd need and I didn't want to make a big deal out the whole thing :) I hated to think that I'd pull her out of bed after her particularly long week without adequate reason. Obviously I had no idea what to expect. Andrei finally decided to just call since she did say to let her know when we got to this point. So he called and voiced our hesitation, and she said that she'd come and if we didn't need her she'd just lay on the couch. (Angela, you're so sweet.) Soon she arrived and Andrei sighed with relief. Turns out he was getting a bit nervous and was glad to have a someone else around to ensure that we're all ok. By 1:45a the contractions had been 3 minutes apart and lasting 90 secs for an hour, so we paged Tracy and made plans to meet her at the birth center in 20 minutes.

It was a cold night (was it snowing?) Anyway, I had a little pink nightie on and I almost walked out as is until Angela suggested I put on some pants. Before getting in the car, I had to walk out a contraction. This is when I realized the beauty of home births. No car rides while in labor. Definitely a plus. When we arrived I practically ran up the stairs to the center, trying to beat the next contraction. I barely made it. This is when the fun began.

Tracy checked my progress and I was 5 cm dilated, 100% effaced and baby was at zero station or "engaged". Pretty good, I thought.

Andrei and I labor-danced for a while. I was really hanging on him, letting him hold a lot of my weight as I rocked my hips back and forth. Tracy can vouch for his hard work because at one point she relieved him for a bathroom break. Standing felt good, but I wanted to sit in between contractions to rest and getting up and down was too distracting/painful. So I tried the rocking chair for a while. That wasn't so great. The birth tub was getting warmer by then, so I stripped and got in on my hands and knees. (Now, I wondered how I'd feel about being naked during labor/birth, but at this point I couldn't have cared less about modesty. This was the last I'd have clothes on until Taia was born and I had taken a bath.) I was in the tub for a couple hours: on hands and knees, leaning over the side, sitting with my legs floating out in front of me. To help with the pain Andrei was still providing hard counter-pressure and helping me take slow, deep breaths, either moaning and/or pursing my lips on expiration. I had great support as the labor increased in intensity. Andrei was my rock, and I wanted him next to me every moment. And I was very grateful for Angela. She was a quiet presence and knew just what to whisper in my ear exactly when I needed it. Tracy kept assuring us that all was going well, and she gently and firmly guided me through the process. Everyone was great.
There are a few particular things that stick out in my mind from this time.
-My legs were shaking uncontrollably (which is normal) and it was really bothering me because it made it hard to relax.
-I withdrew into myself and grew a bit melancholy. I didn't put on my cd nor set out my icons and candles. Nothing I brought got used.
-The thought did cross my mind that there was pain medicine for this sort of thing; but I immediately decided that even if I could have it right now, I didn't want it.
-At one point I was having so much trouble with the pain and even more so with emotional/mental endurance, I started praying in Russian: Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy...I couldn't think of any other way that I could get through it.
-I couldn't imagine doing this for a second child.

At 5:10a I had progressed a measly 2 cm for a total of 7. I couldn't believe it. Everyone was telling me that this is good and that I'm coming along. I wanted to believe them.

Soon after, I got out of the tub and lay in bed for a while. According to Angela's notes the contractions were "very painful" at 5:40a and I felt like I couldn't do it at 6:00a. An hour later I was 9cm dilated. I'm getting a little tense just remembering it--so much anticipation and frustration. I remember having my face buried in pillows for a while and when my head finally emerged, it was light outside. I was so disappointed that the night was over and I still hadn't had the baby.

I started feeling "pushy" by 7:45a. I was totally dilated, except for a pesky lip. I got up to labor dance and sit on the ball. Around 8:30a Tracy got me on the bed again to check me, and as I lay down I had indescribable pain. Something about the movement or position...Anyway, it died down once I got settled, but then there was no way I was going to get off that bed. Finally I started pushing at 9am in a semi-sidelying position. By this time I began to think that Taisia was never going to be born. Even so, I decided to still give it my best shot. I pushed with all my might. I was instructed to push like I was having the biggest bowel movement of my life and to not be afraid of the burning when she crowned. But it was totally natural to push "there", and honestly I wasn't afraid of any burning--I was more afraid she wouldn't come out if I didn't push harder. So I pushed and pushed. My cheering section told me that they saw her head coming. I was frustrated every time I had to take a break from pushing because she'd slide back up slightly. I wished I could just keep pushing constantly. Later my voice was hoarse from all the vocal pushing :) At 9:40a Andrei (with Tracy's help) caught her sweet little body as she slid out, and he put her on my tummy. Whew. I wasn't surprised to see her, wasn't crying with joy, nothing like that. For a moment, it just was a fact that it was over and here she is, praise God.

Taisia was a healthy little newborn: crying, moving, pink, and 6 lbs 4 oz. She was warm on my belly and she smelled amazing. The longer I held her, the more I grew attached to her. Our little Krasavitsa (Beauty).

The last thing to do before I could relax in bed with my family was to deliver the placenta. I pushed and Tracy provided mild traction to help it out. The next thing I knew, Tracy was holding the other end of the cord, placenta still inside me. Andrei and I simultaneously thought OH NO and expected that we'd have to go to the hospital (I should've known better, but, hey, I just had a baby). Very calmly she simply clamped the cord so Taisia wouldn't lose any blood through it, I stood up, and she told me to push just like I had been pushing Taisia. So I pushed hard, and the placenta came flying out. Luckily it landed in the bowl they'd placed on the ground to catch it, but Tracy exclaimed "my shoes!" and half the floor (I'm exaggerating) was sprayed with the splash of blood. Turns out I had a velementous placenta; basically the cord was weakly attached to the placenta and so it tore away at the slightest tug. The other thing to note is that I didn't have any tears, unless you count a few "skid marks". Excellent!

Finally I crawled back into bed to rest with our baby on my chest, husband at my side, sister and mom smiling on.

Now I could admire my baby. Her frowning lips were bright red, her body covered in sweet-smelling vernix, and her brow was furrowed just like her papa's can get. She was a beautiful newborn. She didn't have any "unique" features that distracted the eye--everything was proportional and cute. Definitely the cutest newborn I've ever seen :) After all that work, she was exhausted and was determined to sleep. She was not interested in nursing nor in getting measured and checked by our wonderful nurse, Aubre. I was content to have her just rest in my arms.

The next couple of months were magical, and I quickly forgot about the pain of labor and decided that my labor was relatively easy compared to how it could have been.

CHRIST IS RISEN!

2007-04-07T21:25:00.000-06:00

CHRIST IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD!
TRAMPLING DOWN DEATH BY DEATH,
AND UPON THOSE IN THE TOMB BESTOWING LIFE!

ХРИСТОС ВОСКРЕСЕ ИЗ МЕРТВЫХ!
СМЕРТИЮ СМЕРТЬ ПОПРАВ,
И СУЩИМ ВО ГРОБЕХ ЖИВОТ ДАРОВАХ!

Holy and Great Friday

2007-04-06T08:10:00.000-06:00

"Today there is hung upon the Tree, He that suspended the earth upon the waters. A crown of thorns is placed upon Him Who is the King of the Angels. With false purple is He wrapped about, He that wrappeth the Heavens with clouds. Buffetings did He receive, Who freed Adam in the Jordan. With nails was He affixed, He that is the Bridegroom of the Church. With a lance was He pierced, He that is the Son of the Virgin. We venerate Thy Passion, O Christ. Show also unto us Thy glorious Resurrection."

Order of Services in the Orthodox Church (taken from OrthodoxPhotos.com):

The services of Great Friday are dedicated to the commemoration of the sufferings on the Cross of the Saviour, His death and burial. At Matins, which is served on the evening of Great Thursday (as all services of this week are held the night before the actual day), the Reading of the Twelve Gospels takes place in the middle of the church. These readings are selections from the four Gospels which proclaim the Passion of the Saviour, beginning with His final conversation with the disciples at the Mystical Supper, and ending with His burial in the garden by Joseph of Arimathea and the setting of the military watch over His Tomb. During the readings, the faithful stand with lit candles, which are symbols both of the glory and magnificence which the Lord did not lose during the period of His suffering, and of the ardent love we should have for our Saviour.

On Great Friday the Royal Hours are served, but Liturgy is never served, since on this day the Lord offered Himself as a sacrifice.

Vespers is served at the ninth hour of the day (3 P.M.), which is the hour of the death of Jesus Christ on the Cross. In this service His removal from the Cross and His burial are commemorated.

With the chanting of the troparion, "The Noble Joseph, having taken Thy most pure body down from the Tree," the clergy take up the Burial Shroud (an icon) of Christ lying in the tomb (called "Plaschanitsa" in Russian, "epitaphion" in Greek), from the Holy Table as it were, from Golgotha, and carry it from the Altar, into the center of the church, preceded by candles and incense. It is placed on a specially prepared stand that resembles a tomb, and the priests and all those present prostrate themselves before it and kiss the wounds of the Lord depicted upon it, the pierced side and the imprint of the nails in the hands and feet.

The Burial Shroud is left in the church for three days, from Friday afternoon through Saturday and until the first moments of Sunday, in commemoration of the three day entombment of Christ.

Taisia's song

2007-04-04T08:23:00.001-06:00

In the movie "Ostrov", the monk Fr Anatoly sings the following song from the bottom of his heart and with gusto. It is short, catchy and rhymes (in Russian). Andrei and I started singing it and it has become THE tune which calms Taisia, particularly when life is being unkind to her in the carseat. It is often in my head which is particularly fitting this Lenten season.

Lord have mercy,
Lord forgive!
Direct me, God, on my way.
My soul is so weak,
and so is my flesh.
And to sinful passions
I'm a criminal slave.

Господи помилуй,
Господи прости!
Помоги мне, Боже, на моем пути.
Я так слаб душою,
Телом так же слаб.
И страстей греховных,
Я преступны раб.

template

2007-03-31T16:44:00.000-06:00

Ok guys, I'm having a template crisis. Do you like the look of this one or the previous one better?

Begging

2007-03-23T13:43:00.000-06:00

Generally my encounters with panhandlers here in Denver would go something like this: I drive up to a red light and see a guy in his thirties holding a sign, big bag of stuff sitting beside him. Of course he's standing on my side of the road, and of course I pull up right beside him. I don't read his sign because I'm busy adjusting the radio, searching for some essential (like chapstick) from my bag or otherwise averting my eyes and attention. It takes every ounce of my will to NOT look at him and to NOT think about giving him a buck. I sit there quite uncomfortably until finally the light turns green and I can drive off, leaving my conscience behind.

When I lived in Russia it was a different story. For one, I walked everywhere, so when I encountered someone begging I couldn't adjust the radio or pretend I didn't see them and drive away. Besides that, I don't think I was asked for money by anyone younger than 65, and it was almost always a woman. It is my understanding that the city is strict with keeping homeless kids off the main streets, but I guess babushka's are not so easily swept under the rug. It was a no-brainer to give the elderly woman whatever I had in my pocket when she asked. Periodically, though, I would still just walk by or refuse her change, and my conscience would kill me until the next time I had a chance to give.

While over on that side of the pond, we visited Prague. Oh Prague...the beggars really beg there. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw for the first time a man prostrate on the cold cobblestone road with only the palm of his hands looking up at me. It was uncomfortable to see him so low, waiting for help. In Prague I realized that what it takes for me to give unquestioningly is for the person to be on his knees. It's sad sight, yet so inspiring for my ego.

So am I waiting for the people of Denver's street corners to fall prostrate? To publicly humiliate themselves (even more)? From my moral Mt Olympus (where I play god) one important point has escaped me: I am not responsible for his actions (how he spends the money), but I am responsible for mine. If I am asked for something and I have it, I should give it freely. If I do not give and he goes another night without food, it is my fault. If I give (no strings attached) and he chooses to spend it on getting drunk, the consequences are his.

I've also reasoned that, well, there are shelters. Why don't they go there? I don't know all the facets of this debate on panhandlers, but I think that it is not as simple as sending them to the neareast shelter. So do I think we should all give a dollar to anyone who asks? I really don't know. We all have to make that decision for ourselves--what is the best thing we can do for our society and for that person.

The following passage by Shmuley Boteach has inspired me to see that the issue is actually quite simple. It is from his book 10 Conversations You Need To Have With Your Children. Everytime I see someone on the street corner and have a mental debate to give or not to give, I think of his chapter on "Bestowing Dignity" where he gives an example of an encounter he had with a homeless man asking for money:

As we were making our way along, a black man approached me, and I noticed he had a brown paper bag in his left hand. I could see a bottle peering out from within the folds.

'Hey, man!' he said. 'Got some change?' I stopped walking, reached into my pocket for a dollar, and gave it to him. As I put it into his hand, I said, 'Listen, please use it for something good.' And he said, 'Oh, I will! I will!' And I said, 'No, seriously--you're way too smart to blow it on booze, you're way too smart to throw your life away. Try to get back on your feet. You know this isn't who you want to be. I can see that you have a gentle heart.' And he said, 'Thank you, man! Thank you! God bless you!' And I said, 'God bless you too.' Then I rejoined my family and we were on our way.

As soon as we were out of earshot, my daughter said to me, 'Why did you give him a dollar when you know he's going to spend it on liquor? You are corrupting him. You know your words aren't going to help him at all.'
And I replied, 'I didn't give him a dollar to buy him food or to buy him booze or anything like that. I gave him a dollar because when a man is reduced to asking, he has lost his dignity. None of us, God forbid, should be reduced to asking. There's a Jewish prayer, 'Please help us that we never have to ask anyone for our daily bread.' I gave that man a dollar to show him that I wouldn't walk by him as if he didn't exist, which would have robbed him of his last shred of dignity. I wanted him to know that he wasn't invisible, and I wanted to acknowledge him as a fellow human being. By giving him a dollar, I bought myself the chance to confer dignity on him. And when people feel dignified, they sometimes shape up their lives--they feel as if they have betrayed their own dignity.

'He's probably buying a drink right now,' my daughter said.

'It's possible,' I said. 'And I can't control that. But I did the best I could. I asked him from the bottom of my heart not to waste the money on drink; to stop squandering his life. in taking the time to tell him he had value as a man, I was trying to inspire him to change. I spent less than a minute talking to that man, but who knows? That brieftalk might be the catalyst that prompts him to try to get back on his feet.'

Man cannot live without dignity, nor should he live without making every effort to confer it on others.

I tell my children: 'Every human being has value, and every human encounter is a fresh chance to let him know it.'

To me it couldn't be simpler or more right. Now I can't say that I'm going to give a little speech every time I hand over a dollar, but I will smile genuinely, ask God to bless him, and perhaps ask the guy to spend it well. Hopefully God will be pleased to bless others through this simple act.

recipes please

2007-03-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I need some vegetarian recipes (preferably vegan: no cheese, milk, eggs) for meals and/or desserts. I have some good cookbooks, but it's hard to go through them and try to decide what might be good. We like just about anything.

I'll get things rolling and post a couple:

Borscht

5.5 cups vegetable stock or water
2 Tbsp sugar, divided
2 cups thinly sliced or shredded green cabbage
3/4 cup diced carrots
1/2 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped onion
2.5 cups diced, peeled raw beets
1.5 cups diced, peeled raw potatoes
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 cups tomato puree
2.5 Tbsp red wine vinegar
1 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
1 tsp chopped fresh dill
1.5 tsp salt
pepper to taste

Bring 1/2 cup stock or water and 1 Tbsp sugar to a boil over high heat in a large soup pot. Add the cabbage, carrots, onion, and celery. Cover and cook over high heat, stirring frequently, until the vegetables are crisp-tender. Uncover and cook until the liquid boils out and the vegetablesbegin to brown and stick a bit, stirring almost constantly. Add the beets, potatoes, and garlic and cook and stir for about 30 seconds. Add the remainder of the stock and the rest of the ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat, partly cover, and simmer 45 minutes to 1 hour or until the vegetables are tender.
Serves 4-6.

Carrot Cake

2.5 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
2.5 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp ginger
2/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 cup warm water
2/3 cup vegetable oil
2 tsp vanilla
2 cups grated carrots

variations to add: 1/2 cup raisins or 1 cup flaked, sweetened coconut

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 13x19 pan. To further ease removing the cake from the pan, line the bottom of the pan with parchment paper.

Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger in a medium bowl. Set aside. In a large bowl, combine the sugars, water, vegetable oil, and vanilla. Stir in the carrots. Add the dry ingredients and mix until well blended. Pour the batter out evenly in the pan. Cover with aluminum foil. Bake for 30 minutes. Remove the foil and continue to bake for an additional 15 to 20 minutes. Cool for about 10 minutes, then turn out carefully onto a rack and cool completely. If desired, frost. (I haven't tried the frosting yet.)

Citrus Frosting
8 Tbsp margarine
2 cups confectioner's sugar
1 to 2 Tbsp lemon or orange juice

Cream the margarine. Sift the confectioner's sugar and gradually beat into the margarine. Add enough lemon or orange juice to give the frosting good spreading consistency.

I got these recipes from the cookbook "When You Fast...Recipes for Lenten Seasons" by Catherine Mandell.

be informed

2007-02-26T22:31:00.002-07:00

This video was posted today on Google and was so popular on Digg that we couldn't view it right away because so many people were watching it at once. This evening as soon as we finished watching it, we went back to Digg to rate it and couldn't find it. It had already been pulled off Google Video and therefore is also unavailable on Digg. This is weird because these sites like popular videos because they bring a lot of traffic.We'll see if it stays on LiveLeak.com.

as we fast

2007-02-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

O Lord and Master of my life!
Take from me the spirit of sloth, faint-heartedness,
lust of power, and idle talk. (prostration)
But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience,
and love to Thy servant. (prostration)
Yea, O Lord and King!
Grant me to see my own errors and not to judge my brother;
For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages. Amen. (prostration)

O God, cleanse me a sinner. (x12 with prostrations)

--prayer of St. Ephrem the Syrian

Ancient Faith Radio
thanks for the link, Xenia!

Humility, part 2

2007-02-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

I just want to revisit my post on humility because I found a couple more quotes relevent to the post.

“Those who seek humility should bear in mind the three following things: that they are the worst of sinners, that they are the most despicable of all creatures since their state is an unnatural one, and that they are even more pitiable than the demons, since they are slaves to the demons. You will also profit if you say this to yourself: how do I know what or how many other people's sins are, or whether they are greater than or equal to my own? In our ignorance you and I, my soul, are worse than all men; we are dust and ashes under their feet. How can I not regard myself as more despicable than all other creatures, for they act in accordance with the nature they have been given, while I, owing to my innumerable sins, am in a state contrary to nature.”
-- St. Gregory of Sinai, Philokalia, Vol. IV.

"Humility is above everything else the victory of truth in us, the elimination of all lies in which we usually live. Humility alone is capable of truth, of seeing and acepting things as they are and therefore of seeing God's majesty and goodness and love in everything. This is why we are told that God gives grace to the humble and resists the proud."
--Fr. Alexander Schmemann

This quote really put to words some original thoughts I had about the previous quote. The deep, pure humility of St Gregory is not destructive nor depressing. It is just the recognition of reality. As Fr Alexander says, recognizing the truth about ourselves and where we stand before God then allows us to fully feel the joy of God's grace and goodness and love. We then are encouraged and motivated to work toward holiness, toward existing in harmony with our true nature...which brings me to the next passage:

"but it is also our natural duty [to obey His commandments], for since we were originally created by God as 'very good' (Gen 1:31), we owe it to God to be such. Although sin entered us through our negligence and introduced into us what is contrary to nature, we have been reclaimed through God's great mercy, and renewed by the passion of Him who is dispassionate. We have been 'bought with a price' (1 Cor. 6:20), namely by the blood of Christ, and liberated from the ancient ancestral sin. If, then, we become righteous, this is nothing great; but to fall from righteousness is pitiavle and deserves condemnation."
--Philokalia (Vol.2, pg 14)

Our present state is not hopeless. Everytime I repent and renew myself with the Eucharist, I am freed and can continue my work toward holiness. I believe along with the Fathers that we can achieve holiness in this life. It's said that it is no great thing to become righteous because that is our true nature; it's how we're supposed to be in the first place. Many may disagree with me here, but I ask where is the power of Christ's blood and why would he tell us to be holy if it weren't possible? This is why the saints are so precious: Christ showed and told us how to live as recorded in the Scriptures, and He has also given us His saints who continue to show us the way with their own lives as examples.

But the journey to holiness must begin with absolute humility before God and our fellow man.

someday

2007-02-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

I miss the mountains. I'm thinking that one day I'd like to have a small place in or near BV ('cause that's where my beloved ones live) and live there for a while. Admittedly I am a city girl. But it's getting old not seeing any natural nature. Sure there is a big landscape of cleared land, planted trees trying to grow a little taller, and a resevoir nearby. I'm thankful that we have at least that. But it's not the same. And it's hard to get out of town for a trip. When we have free time, we just want to rest at home. BV has WiFi right? See, I can't totally leave behind the conveniences, plus my man's gotta work somehow!

I'm planning it out as I type. He'll work at his leisure, keeping his businesses running. I'll begin taking midwifery courses. Taisia will have play-dates with my favorite adopted niece/nephew (who will it be?!). We'll go on walks all the time. I'd miss my church so we'd make trips to Denver every other weekend. Maybe come down on Saturday evening, stay with Grandma Jo, go to church on Sunday, have coffee with friends and then head back up in the evening. OK. That's the plan. I haven't even told my husband yet, so keep it quiet. :) I think he'd agree with me, though.

our future

2007-02-02T09:50:00.001-07:00

Had another wake-up call last night. It's all stuff I already pretty much knew, only I never thought about it long enough to look at the big picture. Basically because of the way our country has chosen to conduct business, we're on the way down.

We are a militant nation feeding our captialist appetite in the name of democracy. We stand alone, do not follow international laws, and you better accept it or else. We rule the world, or didn't you know? In our country, everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others. Right to privacy, a speedy and fair trial, freedom of speech and free press say goodbye. Don't worry it's for the best...for our country's mighty 1%.

Sound extreme? It's not. One terrorist act and suddenly the nation willingly gives up the above rights out of fear of the unknown. (Don't get me wrong, it was a massive, terrible tragedy to say the least.) It even gives up its power of reason and discernment. Outright lies are not noticed or just plain ignored. We support a war for which we are given no good reason, only ideas. What will we agree to if one more bomb goes off in America?

I know many people will think that I'm just getting all fired up when really things are going fine--that I need to stop watching these liberal videos. But as I said, they talk about things that anyone could figure out for themselves if they thought about it for 5 minutes. I don't want to naively think that my dreams will come true in magic America no matter what the government is up to. When a government falls, we all suffer. What will the fall of America look like? Probably economic. There goes the Dream. I don't know what I can possibly do about it at this point, but I figure I want to be an informed citizen so when an opportunity arises I'll notice it and take action.

You should watch Why We Fight or go to the website. I know there are different ways to view all this, and I certainly don't have a great political mind so let me know what you think.

Conspiracy Anyone?

2007-01-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

So I've been super anti-9/11 conspiracy theory all these years. Just ask my husband. Why should I think such horrible thoughts? It's unimaginable. Disgusting.

Then I consented to watch 9/11 Press for Truth off the internet. It's well done and more of a documentary that makes you ask questions for yourself--it doesn't shove a theory down your throat. Then I watched Loose Change 9/11 and had some discussions.

Now I'm reeling and upset. For good reason, too. I consider myself to be pretty rational about most things and not easily duped. Well I was duped, but not by these shows. It's hard to imagine that our country is actually NOT that much different from all the other countries of the world who've experienced the corruption, deceit and plain wickedness of a government. I secretly was hoping we lived on a utopic island.

I'm not going to go into what parts of these so-called theories I do and do not believe. To me, at this time, the main point is that something dark is lurking behind the public lies and, frankly, I'm still nervous to find out what it is.

Slava Bogu!

2007-01-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Saint Taisia

2007-01-06T00:47:00.001-07:00

Taisia is named after Saint Taisia of Egypt (4th century) who is celebrated October 8, the day before Taisia's birth.

Brought up by her mother in a spirit far removed from Christian piety, Venerable Taisia led a wanton and depraved life. Renowned for her beauty, she enticed many to the path of sin. Word of the harlot Taisia spread throughout all Egypt and reached the Elder Paphnuty, a strict ascetic struggler who had converted many of the lost to Salvation. Attired as a layman, Paphnuty came to Taisia and asked her to meet him someplace where neither people nor even God Himself would see them. Taisia responded that this was impossible, for God is everywhere present, and sees and knows all things. Seeing this glimmer of the fear of God in her, the elder revealed his identity to her. He showed her the full severity and vileness of her sins and told her that she would have to answer before God for the souls of those she had seduced and destroyed. St. Paphnuty's words so touched the sinner that, gathering up all of her riches acquired on the shameful path, she burned them in the town square, and went with the elder to a monastery, where she spent three years in seclusion. Turning to the East, Taisia unceasingly repeated this short prayer: "O My Creator, have mercy on me!" Before her repose, Venerable Taisia told the elder, "From the moment that I entered this cell, all my sins were constantly before me and I wept remembering them." The Elder Paphnuty answered, "Because of this, and not for the strictness of your seclusion, has the Merciful Lord shown you His mercy." (http://www.stjohndc.org/Russian/english.htm)

Infant Baptism

2007-01-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

We are excited to baptize our lovely Taisia this month.

I've been asked to clarify what is the expected outcome of this baptism. I am no theologian, but I do my best to understand everything and I'll do my best here to explain the Orthodox perspective. I welcome comments.

Baptism is wonderfully mystical. I'm going to use a bunch of quotes to explain it (and more). But first it may help to note that the Orthodox believe that the human body is very important since Christ's incarnation-- he is fully man and fully God. We believe in a strong soul-body connection. Therefore when we profess a faith, it is very important to make deliberate actions with our bodies that equal/parallel our words and thoughts. Also, Orthodoxy is not a 'once saved, always saved' faith. Every day we either choose Christ/choose to live by the Grace we received at the baptism, or not. But baptism is the important beginning. It gives us a clean start and allows us to receive the gifts of the Spirit in order to work toward holiness. Infants should not be excluded from baptism as they too are guilty of original sin (many do not believe this); and why keep them from spiritual rebirth until they are older when it is that much more time for God's Grace to work in them! My baby is not guaranteed a free pass to Heaven by this baptism; but by it she is welcomed into the folds of the Church, is given a new life free of original sin, and is enabled to partake worthily in the Divine Mysteries (sacraments) through which the Spirit's Divine Grace or Energy flows into her.

There are a few important verses:
"Verily, verily I say unto thee, except a man be born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God.That which is born of flesh is flesh, and that which is born of spirit is spirit" (John3:3-6).
"Repent, and be baptised every one of youin the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit"(Acts 2:37-38).
From these verses I get the idea that baptism is very important to our salvation.

"We are buried with Him by Baptism into death, that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life" (Rom. 6:4).
The following is from the book 'Orthodox Dogmatic Theology':
"Holy Baptism by the Holy Spirit, again unites him with the Divine Nature as it was when he was created by the hands of God, restores all the powers of his soul, renews them and brings them to the condition in which they were before the transgression of first-created Adam; in this way it leads him into the Kindgom of God, into which no one unbaptized can enter, and enlightens him with its light and grants him to taste its joys. Thus each one who is baptized becomes again such as Adam was before the transgression, and is led into the noetic Paradise and receives the commandment to work it and keep it--to work it by fulfillment of the commandments of Jesus Christ Who has recreated him, and to keep it by the keeping of the Grace[Divine Energy] of the Holy Spirit which was given to him through Holy Baptism, confessing that the power of this Grace which dwells in him fulfills together with him the commandments of Christ."
Also this:
"Baptism is not only a symbol of cleansing and washing away the defilement of the soul, but in itself is the beginning and source of the Divine gifts which cleanse and annihilate all the sinful defilements and communicate a new life. All sins are forgiven, both original sin and personal sins; the way is opened for a new life; opened is the possibility to receive the gifts of God. Further spiritual growth depends upon the free will of man. But since temptation is capable of finding sympathy in the nature of man, who from the day of his first fall into sin has had an inclination to sin, therefore spiritual perfection cannot be accomplished without battle."

If you're interested here is a nice article discussing baptism into the Orthodox Church.It also describes what will be done at the baptism.
Infant Baptism.

the Crucifix

2007-01-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

I recently realized that I have an aversion to the crucifix. That bothers me.

I need a new cross to wear around my neck. I really liked my previous one, it was a plain and simple three-bar Orthodox cross. It seems to have been the only one of its kind, though, as I cannot find one without the crucifix. I don't want one with the crucifix. This is how I have come to realize my enduring aversion to Christ depicted on the cross.

Since I can remember Catholicism, with which I associated the crucifix, has been portrayed to me as wrong and icons as tools of trickery and idolatry. I accepted this without ever looking into either.

For a long time I also had this general line of thought: Christ died on the cross. But then He conquered death, arose and ascended into Heaven. He died so I wouldn't have to. Death (and the ultimate sacrifice) is behind us, and now I must focus on my personal relationship with God and rest in His loving, protective arms.

I still agree with this, but I find that I added some feelings and attitudes between the lines which I am now questioning. Between the lines is an even sunnier outlook on my spiritual walk. Forget the sorrow, forget the pain, forget the (real) sacrifice.

To look at a man dying a horrible death on a cross every day is just as disconcerting as taking an honest look at my soul and describing it's ugly blackness aloud, for all to hear (and oh it will happen someday...before God...before the saints and angels...before the smirking demons). Actually, isn't that what happens when I look at the crucifix? My soul is exposed and I am the guilty one watching the innocent, beautiful One suffer my fate. To read about it is one thing, to see it is quite another.

To be honest, deep down I'd rather encounter this once a year, like on Good Friday, with the buffer of sing-songs and sermons that point one big finger at everyone's sins, not just mine; makes me feel like I belong. And I like to remember that the one dying is God--He can handle it, plus He knew that He'd be alive again soon. It's an insolent thought.

What I'm saying is that my soul doesn't totally grasp the reality of my place before God and what happened at the cross. I don't think I'd handle the situation with such ease of spirit if my innocent neighbor did this for me, died in my place. I'd be devastated and not a moment would go by without the vivid remembrance of what happened. Eventually I might move from devastation to determination to live a worthy life, but I'd be a changed person forever.

The irony is that I was in love with the symbol of the cross (I say "was" because I have new thoughts and feelings about it all now). I put it after my name, I doodled a million of them in my notebook in class...But it's the cross without Christ on it that I loved. Now I wonder, what's the point? I do think that the cross in any form has been made a powerful symbol because of how God has used it. However, why prefer an empty cross to one that depicts the very reason it is important and powerful?

I naturally want to forget the extreme, painful parts of my faith, or at least remember them minimally and with a grain of salt. At the same time I want to celebrate the wondrous, salvific results. I want to have my cake and eat it too.

Well, I have to change. I need to find humility. I need to face Christ on the cross, let it move me, and learn to accept His saving grace and love for such an unworthy soul.

I'm going to buy myself an Orthodox crucifix to wear constantly. Perhaps it is God's plan for me to be particularly conscious of it so that its purpose is not lost in routine. So that I remember His sacrifice and why He had to do it. So I remember that it is by God's grace alone that I live.

Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal have mercy on us.

Mother Theresa on Forgiveness and Humility

2006-12-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

Someone found this video and posted it in my bulletin on myspace. I want to share it with all of you. Sometime I will write about Humility myself, but at this point all I can do is try to absorb some of the wisdom and let it do its work on my soul.

Invalidating

2006-12-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

Recently I have become more intolerant to the unsolicited advice and opinions I receive concerning the health and development of my child. However, here's what I've come to realize about this phenomena of unsolicited advise being given to a mom:

If you really think about it, it makes no sense to try to tell a mom about her child: she's got the intuition, time with the child, and, generally, the paranoia and curiosity to keep her busy reading and seeking out advise on her own.

I think the true driving force behind these comments is the need for validation. Most advise-givers are parents themselves and seeing a child just brings it all back...They want, even need, to prove that they've "still got it". They want to prove it to themselves, but they also need to prove it to me so I can validate it back to them.

Fact is that I want validation as well, that's why I get upset. I want to be acknowledged and respected as the one who knows, loves, and cares for my child best. I get defensive and ready to challenge anyone willing to question my position and abilities as a mom. I want you to validate the fact that I'm a good mom by trusting me to ask all the right questions myself, not needing your prompting.

So the cycle goes: You (my dear reader, please realize that I'm NOT talking about YOU here...am I? haha) give me unsolicited, unwavering opinions and advise about, say, my baby's sleep habits. I say that they're normal, I've looked into it (but I say it with an attitude, like how dare you even ask/say that!). You reitterate your opinion because you're afraid I don't understand the implications of what you're saying. Then I dismiss the whole conversation because I'm ready to bite your head off. We're now both a little on edge and ready to do the whole thing again next time my little one has a bad night.

Now I realize the problem on my part. I intend, starting from today, to break the cycle of invalidation. Why not validate the other person? Why deny them that simple pleasure?--it doesn't hurt me or my baby to do so. By "validate" I don't necessarily mean follow their advise. I mean thank them for being concerned and for sharing their knowledge and assure them that I will look into it. Easy cheesy. Surprising I don't already do this. Honestly it's the mature thing to do. Being prideful sure makes life more difficult and emotional.

Humility

2006-12-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

“Those who seek humility should bear in mind the three following things: that they are the worst of sinners, that they are the most despicable of all creatures since their state is an unnatural one, and that they are even more pitiable than the demons, since they are slaves to the demons. You will also profit if you say this to yourself: how do I know what or how many other people's sins are, or whether they are greater than or equal to my own? In our ignorance you and I, my soul, are worse than all men; we are dust and ashes under their feet. How can I not regard myself as more despicable than all other creatures, for they act in accordance with the nature they have been given, while I, owing to my innumerable sins, am in a state contrary to nature.”

-- St. Gregory of Sinai, Philokalia, Vol. IV.

What do you all think of this quote? Is all this necessary to be truly humble?

I'm a Moderate.

2006-11-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

>"A moderate what? Democrat or Republican?"
>"Just Moderate."

It's my opinion that asking someone's political party should be considered a faux pas just as it is with asking about someone's pay or what grade your classmate made on the last exam. Generally most people agree with me on this. In the past I thought that this, then, implies using discretion when talking politics. However I've recently found out that not knowing gives you, instead, the freedom, even the right, to assume that the person is not part of the opposing party. This way tact can be thrown out the window as you attack and generalize 'those people' without a worry that you're inadvertently insulting your friend who's politely listening to you. Besides, if you're friend is one of "them", they need to hear the truth anyway. Sometimes truth hurts.

>"The major centers of educated people may vote that way, but that's exactly my point. They're all freaking atheists who're afraid of stepping on anyone's toes. They will follow just about anyone, then they cling to that person for direction. They need us to provide the backbone for the country and protect them from themselves."
>"I hate them. They will follow anyone. They're just not smart and believe anything they're told. Now they're trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with my body and that global warming is a hoax. There's no place in our government for these people. They only care about their own personal riches and oil."

I've honestly been shocked by what people have been saying to me regarding the political parties (with not knowing which "side" I'm on). They tend to focus less on the policies of the party and instead make sweeping generalizations and attack the character and intelligence of individuals in the party. I never knew that people attach such personal significance to being Democrat or Republican. It is beyond me. I'm in shock at the angry condescension and laugh at the fact that they often accuse each other of the exact same traits. I've been insulted left and right, literally, because no one stops to think that I may support the other party. My feelings aren't hurt at this silliness, I'm just still reeling from the ignorance.

So let's all be smart and vote for the individuals running for office and on each policy instead of for a party. We all need to let go of the principle of being Democrat or Republican and stand on our own two feet when we vote and talk politics. That's why I'm a Moderate...how I'm registered is no one's business and it doesn't matter so don't ask.

my joy

2006-10-24T16:23:00.000-06:00

TAISIA ANDREYEVNA

Update

2006-09-27T14:51:00.000-06:00

Hi all. An update from the pregnant lady...

I'm feeling quite good. Don't have anything to complain about, really. Just my feet are a bit puffy and I don't think my wedding ring is coming off anytime soon. Our little one is sitting low and in the right position. She's still moving a lot, which I love. It's such a fun feeling, even when it stabs a little. Andrei and I just feel so positive about the whole experience and we're looking forward to the birth.

We've bought a condo, but it is still being built. Hopefully we will close on it Oct 20 (I'm due Oct 26). It's cutting it a little close, but what can you do? Our current lease ends this week, and we're going to live with my mom until we can move into our condo. So this is packing week. How fun...): Not a big fan of packing and cleaning.

Andrei is busy with his businesses: AF Components and aliveBroadcast. Both are coming along well. His aliveBroadcast site is getting better all the time. It's basically a photo blog--you use your webcam to take a picture and leave a little message to go with it, and then people can leave comments.

I'm busy being a home-maker and oven. That's about all there is to say about that(:

Love you all!

this one's for you, lubov

2006-09-14T15:25:00.000-06:00

I just want to tell the world how lucky I am to have the husband that I have. For about 4 years he pursued me from overseas; then he chose a university near me, and we dated for the next 4 years. We've now been married for 2 years, and everyday he tells me how he loves me and how beautiful I am. Faithful. Wonderful.--that's my man. Already our little girl floating in my womb knows just how lucky we Taraschuk ladies are to have him--I tell her often.

A husband is the strength of the family. When I'm upset, acting out of proportion to a situation, calmly he sees past the external into what is really going on with me, and he helps me see it too. Since we've been together, I've come a long way emotionally (from being a depressed, moody timebomb to being just a bit more moody than the average Jane). I absolutely attribute it to having him there as a strong and reasonable presence, supporting me as I worked through things. God filled him, and he touched and healed me. "You pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm ok."

A husband loves, honors, and respects his wife. Recently my husband was given a difficult challenge. To put me first meant painfully putting someone else second, if it can be summed up so simply. His efforts were valiant, and I feel so honored. I'm grateful for how he showed love and respect to everyone involved as he made his decision. All-around he's an honourable man.

A husband leads his family in their spiritual journey together. My husband has a strong faith that is balanced with a spirit of grace and a realistic view of the world. He is uncompromising in his beliefs, but he leaves judgement and condemnation behind. It is his strength and balance that I admire and try to emulate. In many ways, he is my spiritual role-model. With him at my side, I feel safe and like we can't lose our way even in these days of spiritual bunny-trails--new paths forged by those who find the "straight and narrow" nice but a bit too narrow.

What else can I say? Did I tell you that he is a superb designer/programmer and businessman? That he was the prize student and is now a rising star in his field? He won't tell you that, so I will. I am so proud. He works hard, keeps up-to-date in his profession, and still finds quality time for his wife.

He will be a wonderful father: playful and loving, yet firm in matters that count. He will teach her what it means to be a good person and will give her the tools to succeed in life.

If I were as eloquent as Solomon or David I could do more justice to how good he is. I could write him a beautiful song of praise. Anyway, this is my humble attempt. You can also read the lyrics to Sarah Mclachlan's song Push. It must have been written just for our relationship. With every verse I can associate a specific memory.

Andrei, lubov, I love you. No other words can say what I feel. Я тебя люблю.